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"I do not peddle flesh. I sell dreams."
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[Jul. 18th, 2009|06:28 pm] |
Dudes, Being Human is completely awesome. The show, I mean, not actually being human, because as I have said previously, that's actually a bit rub. But anyway, oh my God, George! I love him! He is my favouritest werewolf of all the werewolves throughout the recorded history of time! He's so shrill and flaily and random.
Annie and Mitchell are also good. Evil Fiance Owen is good in the sense that he is horrifying and evil. Herrick is not good, because he's like a poor mans' Holland Manners, who in turn was a bargain basement version of the Mayor. But mostly GEORGE! Oh, he is so wonderful. I hope it runs for millions of years and I never get bored or snarky about it and they never introduce lame plots where, FOR EXAMPLE, Lauren turns up with Mitchell's baby whose arrival was foretold by prophecy and who has the power to RUIN EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD ABOUT THE SHOW EVER AND GENERALLY WHINE AND HAVE A STUPID FUCKING FACE.
Oh God Vincent Kartheiser, I fucking hate you. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2009|11:22 pm] |
Well, Buzz Lighthair of Ron Smiths Command's adventure in skydiving ended almost before it began. Turns out a perforated eardrum obtained during a brawl in a parking lot has left him succeptable to changes in atmospheric pressure, so on his second time down he blacked out and started bleeding from his nose and ears.
I shouldn't laugh, because obviously blood coming out of your ears = serious, but I can't help it. This is pretty much exactly what Brother Jonathan predicted would happen if Ben went up too high - of course, the way he phrased it was more along the lines of "I bet his massive head explodes" and came between my betting he wouldn't get to jump because his giant head wouldn't fit through the doors of the plane and Wilhelm suggesting that he employ a second parachute to support hisoversized cranium.
Anyway, apart from that, today was another day of train-related "joy" - and I use sarcastic quote marks - involving a six mile an hour ride in a dining car from Grossmont to Pickering while being forced to eat some truly undelicious food. Seriously, I would swallow my own head right about now, I am so hungry. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|08:26 pm] |
Well, we didn't have to go to the Pig Show thing, thank God. I only like pigs if they are used to eat up human remains, and then only if they are in the care of a Chinese dude whose knowledge of the English language consists solely of the word "cocksucker".
So we went to York instead and walked around the National Railway Museum for about a hundred and forty years (I am totally not kidding, I'm pretty sure I died of old age twice while I was in there) and then we went "shopping," which pretty much means Mama Froodle dragged me around these ludicrously expensive and for the most part entirely ugly clothing stores and wittered at me about getting "a nice pair of flatties" and "some glamorous tops" - I should note at this point that to my mother, glamour equates to shoulder pads and sequins - and Papa Froodle jibbed on about getting me a digital camera, while I tried in vain to point out that books and DVDs and nice things from Lush, or, if we're talking big-ticket items, a sofa that is not held together with scotch tape and the Will of God, would be much more welcome.
Dudes, do anyone elses parents do that? Like, totally ignore what you actually want and what would actually be useful to you, and buy you random shit because they think you should want it, even after you've explained that you don't and in fact, have no use for it? Is this a normal parental thing or are my folks total freaks?
Anyway, we went to ASK for lunch, which was nice, although they felt compelled to lecture the waiter about how much better the Isle of Man is than England (LIE!) and then to Betty's for tea, and I got some China Rose Petal tea in a tin which was awesome, and then we came home.
In a little bit I might go and wash my face and then see if I feel like going to see the new Harry Potter movie - I kind of actually don't care at all about Harry Potter now, but the Froodle Brothers have abandoned me to go sky-diving and I fear the alternative is an evening with the parental units trying to explain that no, "I would like to watch Battlestar Galactica in peace" is not code for "Feel free to change the channel to that stupid cycling thing," failing, and then shoving them off the balcony in a fit of temper. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|09:01 am] |
New John Connolly book, oh my God, the awesomeness! If you have not read it, you must do so at once or risk being eaten by sharks. Vampire sharks. Vampire zombie sharks. Wearing hats!
Also he is doing a signing in Borders this Friday FTW! Tune in that night to hear me squeeing and giggling and generally acting fangirly.
Also, those Charlaine Harris books are a bit lame, yet oddly compelling. I'm aware they're pretty much vampire bodice rippers, but I care not!
ETA: Oh my God, save me dudes! Papa Froodle wants us to go to the Great Yorkshire Argricultural Show today. He's just been on the website reading aloud details of such enticing activities as a "cattle parade" and a "pig of the year" competition. I mean, we're from the Isle of Man, you'd think that he'd had enough farming-related delights in his lifetime. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2009|10:30 am] |
Well dudes, I am writing this on a windy Sunday morning, sitting on a penthouse balcony overlooking all of Leeds and fighting the urge - no doubt caused by having watched the Goonies at a tender age - to make puking noises and then pour some gross shit over the people walking below me.
The Family von Froodle has descended upon Yorkshire and rather than make an ill-advised attempt to cram more than one person and three rabbits into my homey hovel, we have rented a top-floor apartment in the Chambers in Park Place.
And dudes, it is epic. When you walk in, the foyer is all marblelicious and there's "tasteful" displays of modern art in all the alcoves (note: these are not alcoves suitable for hidin' when employed in the killin' of dudes, these are alcoves for the tasteful displayin' of tasteful modern art) and there's a twenty-four hour concierge service and, dudes, if you want a DVD or some groceries or whatever, you just ring down to reception and they go and get it for you! How awesome is that!
And the apartment itself is even more awesome - it's got floor to ceiling windows on all the outside walls, and a balcony that runs all the way around and has blue spotlights in the floor that you can turn on at night, and sliding doors in each room that open on to the balcony and one of those jzacuzzi-baths and hardwood floors and lights in the wardrobe that come on when you open the door and a TV in the bathroom.
And oh, my God, the TVs! They are so big, I think they are giving me AIDS. AIDS causes you to want to steal stuff, right? I was watching SGA last night (on DVD, but it was my DVD that I brought with me, not a DVD I randomly made the reception dude run out and get for me because that would make me feel uncomfortable and jerklike) and, okay, Joe Flannigan and Major Lorne are beautiful even on my small old-school piece of shit TV, but in 40-inch hi-def with surround sound, their combined beauty is enough to melt your face.
I always make fun of James for working ridiculously long hours, figuring that nothing could make a seventy-hour week worthwhile, but when I see this place, how some people live, I can understand it a little bit better. Don't get me wrong, my character flaws are such that I am a lot more lazy than I am materialistic, but I do get it a bit now.
Anyway, we went to see Dreamboats and Petticoats on Friday and it was marvellous - it's about this dude who enters a song-writing competition, and his writing partner is in love with him, only he is in love with this slutty hot chick, who is in love with this slutty hot guy who, and this is the most important thing, was played by a total bargin basement Jensen Ackles. And it was all set in the fifties and there were awesome old-school rock and roll songs and those beautiful circle dresses and it was made of win. And! Nobody even died or exploded or shot some dudes, and I still loved it, so that should tell you how great it was.
Anyway, Mama Froodle just got out of the shower so I'm going to put the laptop aside and go see what the plan is for the rest of the day. Later days! |
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[Jul. 10th, 2009|12:54 am] |
Comment to this entry and I will pick three of your fandoms. You must then update your journal and answer the following questions:
I was given American Gothic, Carnivale and X-Men.
1. What got you into this fandom in the first place?
American Gothic: I got some gift vouchers at work and it was on sale in HMV for a ridiculously low price. I initially confused it with Twin Peaks, resulting in some very weird looks on the way home when I was happily babbling about wee evil dudes in cowboy boots and a friend saying (in a highly offended tone) "Gary Cole isn't wee!" Anyway, I decided to give it a whirl anyway as I love shows about spooky happenings in small towns and it seemed like a win. So I put it on and it's like, HO DUDES THERE IS THIS TOTALLY EVIL SHERIFF DUDE! AND OH MY GOD THERE'S THIS WEE BLONDE DOCTOR WHO'S TOTALLY SNARKY! AND THEY'RE LIKE ENEMIES BUT SECRETLY THEY'RE A BIT GAY FOR EACH OTHER! Also, Caleb was lovely and sympathetic and not at all annoying like most kids on TV, so that was win. But yeah, at first it was the whole Lucas/Doctor Matt thing.
Carnivale: The first season was a present on my birthday - I took it home, watched the first three episodes and was right there the next day getting season two. I loved the opening sequence, I loved Sampson's monologue at the start of episode one, I loved how bleak the whole look and feel of the show was. I also really liked how you couldn't tell which Avatar was the Avatar of Light and which one was the Avatar of Darkness for like... pretty much until the first half of season two, really, although apparently that wasn't intentional. I loved that all the characters had their parts to play - there wasn't anyone there who felt superfluous. I loved Rita Sue because she was tough and smart and kind of a bitch with it. I loved Ben because he was so damaged and so completely without social skills. I loved that you had to think your way through each episode instead of being spoonfed everything.
X-Men: Like most 80s children, my first exposure to it was the cartoon that used to air on Fox Kids. Of course, in my case they seemed to endlessly repeat the Dark Phoenix Saga, which lead me to a) assume that the stories were always about Jean and Scott and b) to really hate Jean and Scott. I did, however, develop a kind of pre-pubescent crush/hero worship thing with Storm and Rogue. I desperately wanted Rogue's hair and beautiful Southern accent, along with Storm's poise and self-assurance and, of course, absolutely kick-ass powers. The first X-Men movie, while a lot of fun and containing plenty of Hugh Jackman in leather - surely the best kind of Hugh Jackman - didn't really bring my adolescent self back into the fold. I was a little busy with Pokemon by then. But then X-Men: Evolution came out and I fell in love. Kurt was so adorable and Pietro was so hilarious and, God, even Scott was semi-likable.
2. Do you think you will stay in this fandom or eventually move on?
American Gothic: It went off the air in like, '96, and it only ran for a single season, so there isn't much of a fandom to speak of. However, if anyone ever wants to squeal with me about how awesome it was, I am more than happy to oblige.
Carnivale: Again, there's not a whole lot in the way of fandom - I do think it's another one of those shows that I'll rewatch over and over and have minor gleefits about, and again, you are all welcome to join me.
X-Men: With Evo having ended a few years ago, that part of the fandom is pretty much dead. I will always love Hugh Jackman in leather, and I do like the Ultimate X-Men comics, but I would say I already have.
3. What are your favorite episodes/books/movies/etc?
American Gothic: To Hell and Back, the Beast Within and the Plague Sower. To Hell and Back is, for all it's ostensibly about Doctor Matt and his wife and daughter, completely gay. The Beast Within is hilarious - I love how totally mean Lucas is about Archie and the prospect of soldiers in the psych ward getting blown up. The others are all like, we have to save Archie! and Lucas is all, "I don't care about that Jarhead!" And then Gail is all, wahh, hundreds of people will die, and Lucas is like, "Yeah, hundreds of crazy people," and it's so mean and heartless and wonderful. I love when Ben refers to his kid's stepfather "the Bionic Man." I love the way Caleb says "I hate you" with such venom in his voice. I love that Doctor Matt punches Lucas and Lucas responds by decking him. Plague Sower is lovely because it showcases what a great kid Caleb is, and the empathy and mercy he feels for the people around him, and the importance he places on love. I liked that it was part of a darker character arc for Merlyn, and I like that Doctor Matt's version of "going mental" mostly involves highlighting everything.
Carnivale: Babylon, because it was fucking terrifying. Over the course of the episode there's this mounting sense of dread that rises to a point where it's almost unbearable - the sense of impending doom is so vivid, it's almost a seperate character in itself. Then there's the scene at the very end, where Sampson sees Dora Mae standing in the window of the bar, and he makes this face that's somewhere between a sob and gagging as if he's about to throw up, and the full horror of it crashes down on you as the credits roll.
X-Men: Survival of the Fittest, purely for that bit where Avalanche and Scott get into it and Lance pushes Scott into the river and Jean's all, "Scott is far too mature to sink to that level" and then Scott (off-camera) fully eye-beams Lance into the water. Joyride, for that scene at the end where Bobby's all, "Yeah, we stole loads of things - the X-Jet, the X-Coptor, Wolverine's motorcycle..." and Wolverine's all like, "My motercycle?!" and Bobby's like, "Ummm bye!" The Hex Factor, for Pietro's girly "Wanda!" scream and for the X-Men getting totally curb-stomped during the battle in the mall. No Good Deed for the random old dude who glomps Todd.
4. Do you participate in this fandom (fan fiction, graphics, discussion, etc.)?
American Gothic: Again, there's not really much by way of fandom, though if it comes up I am right there with the squeeing and the hand-clapping. I am a shockingly bad writer, so a lack of fanfiction from me can only be seen as a good thing.
Carnivale: Again, not much in the way of fandom, although I have read a couple of astoundingly good fics involving Ben'spower and the circumstances that have him shackled in a chain gang before the start of the series.
X-Men: Aside from a little Evo-squealing and leather Jackman appreciation? Not really.
5. Do you think that people should get into this fandom?
American Gothic: YES! You should all watch it and be amazed at it's beautifulness and write lots and lots of fic for me to read.
Carnivale: Oh God yes! Not even for selfish reasons this time, do it for yourselves. Carnivale's a masterpiece. You won't be sorry.
X-Men: I'm certainly not adverse to a little post-X2 Wolverine/Scott porn, or some Logan/Victor action set around the time of the Wolverine movie. If we're talking Evo, let's have some Lance/Pietro and Scott/Kurt action. |
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[Jul. 8th, 2009|11:46 pm] |
Why isn't there more Hyena!Xander in the world? Why, dudes?! I feel if we are to avoid being killed in a nuclear explosion, the government should fund an increase in Hyena!Xanders.
That is all. |
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[Jul. 7th, 2009|11:47 pm] |
Dudes, is it just me or is every Ronan-centric episode of SGA exactly the same?
- Some Wraith come.
- Ronan hates the Wraith.
- Ronan cries about his dead gay planet.
- Ronan works out his angst by shooting a lot of things.
I mean, I guess he is slightly less of a one-note character than Ford eventually became ("RARR! I EAT WRAITH JUICE! RARR! YOU ALL HATE ME! RARR! NOW LET'S GO AHEAD WITH OPERATION: REALLY STUPID PLAN!") and he's not, you know, unfun to look at, but seriously Ronan, do something other than whine about your stupid planet!
Of course, it's cancelled now so he will never have the chance. Oh well. Maybe in the inevitable movie sequel Ronan will have an exciting new obsession that doesn't revolve around avenging Sateda or crying because his mates are little Wraith bitches now. |
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[Jul. 4th, 2009|11:30 am] |
So, I'm watching Stargate: Atlantis and seriously, how awesome would it be to be a Wraith? Think about it; your entire life consists of flying around in space, eating people and molesting innocent Sheppards, indispersed with centuries-long naps. Also, I bet human life force has like, almost zero fat and carbs, so you never have to worry about getting too chunky for your spiffy leather duds.
I think the only downside of it would be that a lot of them are obviously a bit vain - I mean, okay, they say they're sleeping for years at a time, but really, does anyone actually get up with hair like that? My worry is that the time they claim to spend in hibernation is really spent obsessively straightening their hair in preparation for the next big Cullapalooza, and as some of you know, I am not that great on the concept of haircare.
Having said that, though, you do get the ones with dreadlocks, who tend to be a bit harder than the Zombie Legolas wannabes - maybe the rule is that if you're busy fighting a war or terrorizing the population of Atlantis or just, you know, having a bit of a rough millenia being stuck in Genii prison or stranded on some craphole planet, the Wraith Fashionistas lay off if your hair gets a bit matted. I could totally deal with that - I am way more comfortable with the concept of killing people horribly than I am with holding heated bits of ceramic near my face.
God, being human sucks. I want to go out and eat a bunch of people right now. |
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[Jun. 29th, 2009|11:45 pm] |
Dudes. What a complete and utter shitter of a day. I'm in the office five minutes and this fucking retard is on the 'phone, whinging because "you were supposed to call me today." Yes, dilhole, and I made a point of saying I worked from ten 'til eight, so don't be getting in my face acting like I've let you down because it's four minutes past ten and I haven't called yet. And then, after explaining to her what she needs to do, she calls back twenty minutes later when I'm in the middle of explaining something else to some other 'tard. And then she calls back. Again and again and again. Fuck off! "She will call you when she's off the 'phone" does not mean "please call every five minutes to be told exactly the same thing you were told five minutes ago and keep harrassing Froodles who already have a full job with both their caseload and their absentee "buddy" advocates caseload AND answering questions from every dimwit who can't follow a three-page PowerPoint presentation."
And oh, my God, I hate my team/s. It's not even the fact that they're stupid, which they are, and which is enough to piss me off even on a good day. I can almost come to terms with the fact that watching them try to form a coherent thought is like watching a train derailment in slow motion, or that after ten minutes in their presence I have to leave the room in order to suppress my evolutionary imperative to murder them before they can breed. After all, it's not as though they have a time machine to travel back twenty-odd years and beg their mothers to please stop swigging wood alcohol for five minutes while pregnant, or a rocket ship to fly to Heaven and beg God to give them the basic reasoning skills He imparts to the average six year old.
No, it's the fact that they won't even try to figure things out for themselves. I've got one halfwit who apparently thinks that boxes labelled 1, 2, 3 and 4 should contain the exact same information as a set of boxes on the following page labelled 5, 6, 7 and 8. I've had to explain to one of them that a meter cannot be passing unregistered energy if the dials are spinning when energy is being used, because in point of fact that is how a meter registers the use of energy. I've got a dink who "accidently" raises callbacks for a day when she knows she's going to be on holiday and then "oopsie-daisys" out of it and lets me pick up the slack. I've got one bloated speciman who snaps his fingers to get my attention, and since his fingers are like enormous swollen sausages, I can't even break them in retribution for his lack of manners. Maybe if you'd waddle the ten feet to my fucking desk,you wouldn't weigh four hundred pounds, you fat fuck!
At lunch tomorrow, I am going to buy a bottle of drain unclogger and a box of injectin' needles, and every person who wastes my time with another soul-destroying display of dimwittedness is going to get stabbed in the neck with a syringe full of agonising death.
I was going to friendslock this post in case any of them stumbled upon it, but frankly I doubt most of them can read, so I won't. |
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[Jun. 28th, 2009|11:52 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | angel, buffy, christian kane, david boreanaz, dickens, firefly, joss whedon, numb3rs, poor ickle lindsey, serenity, the dave, zombies | ] |
Dudes! Okay so, I generally try and pretend the last four seasons of Buffy never happened, mostly because thinking about them sparks off a twnety minute string of profanities about the shitness of Dawn/Riley/Kennedy and the downfall of Buffy and I really try not to mention what Xander devolved into because it breaks my heart a bit and of course you have Spike's eighty-odd-episodes-long character rape and I'm going to stop now because otherwise this post will be another swearathon, but anyway! So I always thought that Andrew was a bit shit, although in fairness by the time it ended he was the only one I wasn't actively hoping would die, but only because he was just lame instead of rage-inducingly dislikable. But anyway, I was watching that episode of Angel with the mental Slayer who cuts off Spike's hands, and I realised, it's Amita from Numb3rs. And now I'm thinking, Andrew can't have been as much of a 'tard as I thought he was, because apparently his training program not only makes you not be crazy, it turns you into a kind of Maths Superhero.
And now I think Amita Ramanujan: Vampire Slayer should be a show. Or maybe she can be a character in my Zombie Dickens fest - like when Zombie Twist is all, "Please sir, can I have some more... BRAINS ARRRGHRAHGARGHCHOMPYFACE!" Amita can dramatically ninja in through the window and dismember him.
I'm not sure how I feel about Amita/The Dave, though. Probably he would have another love interest that was Lindsey no I didn't just write that.
Also, where is all my Jayne/Simon porn? I thought I bookmarked it under memories but it's gone away. Boo! |
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[Jun. 27th, 2009|11:12 am] |
Okay dudes. So now that Bones has descended into a world of suckiness and hurt, I think it's time there was another vehicle for David Boreanaz to showcase his particular brand of being a champion of good through the medium of brutal violence. So we need to come up with a format that will include all of the following:
- The Dave digs.
- The Dave wears a hat.
- The Dave rescues puppies.
- The Dave hugs distraught children.
- The Dave wears a white vest.
- The Dave broods.
- The Dave does the Angel Dance.
- The Angel Dance must now also include a part where he plays air instruments.
- The Dave uses his Charm Smile on someone.
- The Dave punches people.
- The Dave pistol whips people (this bit is super-important - these days, if someone isn't getting pistol-whipped, I don't feel I've been entertained).
- The Dave smashes down doors.
- The Dave is involved in a brutal, knock-down drag-out fist fight that lasts no less than ten on-screeen minutes.
- The Dave sulks.
- The Dave makes his "please don't seduce me" face.
- The Dave is cranky.
- The Dave is inappropriately giddy.
Now, I realise, looking at this, that I could get all of this by watching Angel or Bones, and that's fine, except for the parts that involves Sweets or Cam or Fred or Connor or snoretastic plot arcs about Gormogons or Jasmines. So really what we need is something that already has a great plot, but can be adapted for The Dave without the need to introduce annoying pointless characters who wreck ewverything.
And thus was born: The Dickens/Zombie/The Dave Extravaganza - an entire season of Dickens adaptations containing all the blood, gore and zombies that Dickens would have intended if he had been alive when the Evil Dead movies came out. Nicholas Zombilby, Zombie Expectations, Bleak Zombie, Zombie Twist, A Zombie of Two Cities, the Zombie Tollbooth - the possibilities are varied and marvellous.
Also I think Lindsey should be in it, because I just watched Dead End and I had forgotten how entertaining his big gay unrequited crush on Angel was. And really, if there was ever anyone who deserved to get savaged by zombies, it was... well, actually it was Gavin, because he REALLY sucked, but watching terrible things happen to Lindsey was a key aspect of Angel in my house. Also, Leverage is a bit rub and he doesn't get his hand cut off or ANYTHING, so let's go back to traditional values, where getting in the way of justice means you get your parts cut off. YAY! |
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[Jun. 20th, 2009|11:49 am] |
Oh Bones, where did things go so wrong for us? You were my Unexpectedly Delightful New Show of 2006. You redeemed David Boreanaz at a time when it seemed his glory days were long since past. You earned him the League of Hot's highest honour, elevating him to the rank of The Dave and making him part of the Holy Trinity of Hotness. You were beautiful, and I loved you.
But ever since that first season ended, dark forces have been at work behind the scenes, slowly chipping away all that was once good and pure and replacing it with things that are evil and failsome.
Where once Daddy Goodman ruled the medico-legal lab with a deep voice and an authoritarian beard, now there is only Evil Cam and her lame, boring attempt to be "hip" and "sassy" while also "dedicated to her work". It's like you took everything that was annoying about Brennan and everything that was annoying about Angela and combined them with a few extra annoying qualities to make one giant superfluous pile of irritation.
Then came Gordon Gordon, forensic psychiatrist extraordinairre, who forced The Dave into drinking tea and forgiving Hodgins. He was awesome, and we loved him, and he was replaced the next season with Sweets, whose sole claim to fame is the fact that his teeth are so huge you could surf the Banzai pipeline on them.
And oh, Zack. You deserved so much better. Most supporting characters only get royally screwed over in one season finale - you had it twice in a row. I can only imagine what kind of goon will take your place in the new series.
In fact, that's the underlying theme of Bones - let's take away everything fun and good and replace it with boringness and hate. Forget Angela/Jack - who wants all that sexiness and interesting, likable characters? Let's bring Fred and Wesley back and really suck the joy out of our audience. And Caroline is far too much fun - where is Ally McBeal when you want a lawyer with as much screen presence as a used tissue? No doubt by season six they will kill Booth off, as having a lead actor with charm and charisma and passable acting ability will no longer fit with the direction of the show. Maybe once CSI: Miami ends, they can bring in David Caruso, thus effectively transforming what was once a thing of beauty and light into a gaping hole in the fabric of the television universe.
Fuck you Bones. You have failed in your duty to... not fail. Or something. |
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[Jun. 16th, 2009|10:37 pm] |
Oh my God, they even have Halloween-themed mixing and measuring bowls. HOW IS THIS FAIR?! I hate you America. |
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[Jun. 16th, 2009|10:11 pm] |
DUDES! Why does God hate me so much? All I want in life is a bowl with some ghosts on that I can eat my cereal out of. How hard can that be? But no, England has to made of losers who do not celebrate Halloween properly (ie, with GHOST BOWLS). Is it so inconcievable that I might be allowed to enjoy a bowl of delicious soup while staring at some ghosts? No!
And then, just to make it worse, while the UK eBay is all,"Did you mean these cheap plastic pieces of shit from Poundland?" the American eBay is like, "BEHOLD! A veritable cornucopia of BEAUTIFUL GHOST BOWLS that are NOT FOR FROODLES! AHAHAHAH! This one has SKULLS!"
AMERICANS! Quit hogging all the ghostbowls.
ENGLAND! Get it together and start having better Halloween stuff all year 'round.
EVERYONE! More werewolves please!
Also someone should buy me that Little Red Riding Hood cuckoo clock from Cursed. NO I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S NOT REAL I WANT IT!
This post has been brought to you by the International Brotherhood of Froodles Wanting Ghostbowls. |
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[Jun. 6th, 2009|12:35 am] |
Give me a character from any fandom, tv show, movie, book you know that I know and I will tell you:
a. My favorite thing about that character.
b. My least favorite thing about that character.
c. One person I would ship them with in their own verse.
d. One crossover ship for them I think would be neat.
e. One crossover universe for them I think would be even neater.
f. Their ship from hell.
g. Their song.
h. The title of their biography or autobiography.
i. The last bad dream they had.
j. How they're gonna shuffle off the mortal coil, if they haven't already.
In other news, I am seriously thinking about going back to school full-time. Not to do law (my parental-inflicted enemy of five and a half hideously boring years) or even english (my first love, and like the first guy I fell in love with, a lot of fun at the time but a total waste in the long run) but something practical. Automotive repair or something.
As things stand at the moment, I have absolutely no transferable skills from the three years I have wasted in call centres. So I give great customer service? All that really means is that I'm adept at taking shit from sub-literate fuckwits. And even with the promotion, so now I'm also good at supporting my team with difficult queries? Great, I have the ability to explain incredibly simple concepts to developmentally-challenged clods. Yay for me.
I've survived this long by telling myself I would take my experiances and shape them into a zeitgeist-capturing satirical novel about a phonemonkey who is driven to become a serial killer by the stupidity and rudeness of the general public, but more and more it feels like I might just skip the writing and go straight to the cutting of throats in real life.
If I could do something where I worked with machines instead of people, it might improve my day-to-day moods, if not my habitually grouchy disposition. Not to mention, I may develop the technical skills I need to build my dream invention, the Deppotron. It's the next generation of my initial dream invention, the Deppbot, but where the Deppbot was purely about sex with a robot that looks like Johnny Depp, the Deppotron comes with added features, like the ability to fly and cook and clean and perform household DIY. And of course it shoots lasers from it's eyes, for those inevitable days where sex and cake aren't going to cheer me up and all that will work is a massacre.
Because sometimes even sex with Johnny Depp isn't as satisfying as really fucking someone up. |
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[May. 29th, 2009|01:28 am] |
Dudes, why isn't there a sequel to Heathers? WHY?! At least with other fandoms where there isn't enough canon to go around (Once Upon a Time in Mexico, for example, or the History Boys, or even to a lesser extent SWAT) I can console myself with massive amounts of porn err... well thought-out additions to the universe originally laid out in the movies. But with Heathers, there's nobody carrying on the torch - JD explodes, Veronica smokes, Martha Dumptruck does donuts with her scooter thing, and that's the lot.
Man, somebody write me a sequel to Heathers. JD should be like this mean hallucination and trying to get Veronica to kill some dudes, and you'd never be sure if she's just seeing him because she's nuts or because he is a spooky ghost of evil! And then at the end, Betty Finn would be the baddie! It would rock.
More JD. More Agent Sands. More Gamble/Street porn. That's pretty much this post in ten words or less.
Somebody help me decide what to watch now. I am sad because nothing I own is Heathers 2: the Stabbening. Suggest things! |
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[May. 25th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...
The Rarity (QTAF)Quirky Traditional Alpha Female 
You have an unusual and unbelievably precious combination of traits, especially in a woman. Not only are alpha females extremely rare, but traditional ones with nerdy/geeky interests are even more scarce. Unlike the other types, I can't give you a description because I'm not sure if you actually exist. PS: I know this is not a compatibility test, but there is a very good chance you are the girl of my dreams. Not to sound desperate or anything, but please, oh please message me! (Assuming, that is, that you are between 20 and 30 and live in New England). --Bookwyrm85 You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL. You are more TRADITIONAL than LIBERAL. You are more DOMINANT than PASSIVE. When picking a date, consider: Lord of the Misfits (QLAM), The Late Bloomer (QTAM), The Snowball's Chance in Hell (QTBM), or The Manga Geek (QLBM).
(Image from http://folk.uio.no/thomas/lists/amazon-connection.html)
Take The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?) at HelloQuizzy
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[May. 25th, 2009|10:09 pm] |
Urgh, dudes. Do not watch Hairspray right after you watched the final episode of the Wire "because you needed cheering up." All it does is make you really cranky and cynical about the fate of everyone in Hairspray. Like at the end, when Seaweed and Penny are singing about being together and how OMG RACIAL INEQUALITY IN BALTIMORE IZ DED YAY! and I'm like WHATEVER SUCKERS, hope Penny has a backup plan for when Seaweed is MOWED DOWN BY WARRING DRUG GANGS! And that's the best-case scenario, because at least in that one he doesn't end up a fiend or a hopper. And as for you Tracy, whatever validation you think you got from snagging Link is going to BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE when you catch him with Scott Summers' cock in his mouth. In fact, I HATE YOU ALL, STOP BEING SO HAPPY YOU SELF DELUDING LITTLE BASTARDS!
Argh. Going to watch Heathers. I HOPE YOU ALL EXPLODE HAPPY BALTIMORE! |
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[May. 22nd, 2009|01:18 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | bones, james purefoy, jeremy renner, job of doom, moonlight, nip/tuck, people make me sick, rome, supernatural, torchwood, true blood | ] |
Do you think that if I could get a doctor to certify me as being wanktard-intolerent, I could go on permanent medical leave and never work again? Because pretty much all jobs are going to involve some level of wanktardery, and if it was possible I might die from it, they'd pretty much have to pay me incapacity benefit or something, right? That would be awesome.
What is decidedly not awesome is when some numbnuts decides to pull me away from my massive workload in order to "talk to you all about NPS." Dick, I know what NPS is. I am part of the motherfucking trial. I am at my desk every day calling these jizzstain customers back and recording their moronic comments verbatim. I do not need a fucking presentation on your lameass board with it's lameass charts. I MADE THE FUCKING CHARTS! I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN, DILHOLE! And it especially pisses me off when I am subjected to their idiotic attempt at a peptalk. I do not respond well to peptalks. I don't respond well to pep. In particular, I do not respond well to peptalks about how a certain thing is working fabulously when I know that is not the case because, and pay attention here, I AM PART OF THE GODDAMN TRIAL TEAM! Do not fucking lie to me, I am by nature both smart and cynical, and when someone shines shit and tries to call it gold it makes me very fucking cranky indeed!
Urgh!
In other news, I think there should be a show that is made up of characters who are either too good for their original show or who wound up being screwed over on it. Lafayette from True Blood and T-Bear from Supernatural would be the stars and they would fight crime, in between T-Bear's bouts of crying and attempting to kill himself and Lafayette's secondary but much for lucrative career as a go-go dancer. Josef from Moonlight would be the local crime kingpin - he'd sort of be their stated enemy, but really it would be one of those relationships where they have a grudging kind of respect for each other and sometimes Josepf would help them out dealing with other, baddier baddies. The main baddie would be the Carver from Nip/Tuck, only back when the Carver was still really fucking terrifying, before we found out it was just dumb old Quentin behind the mask. Zack Addy would be the adorkable gender-ambiguous lab assistant nature always intended him to be, and everyone would keep a stern eye on him to make sure it stayed that way. Mark Anthony would pop up every now and then as a time-travelling manwhore/adventurer - a bit like Jack Harkness only not rubbish or in Wales. Also, Jeremy Renner would get to be in it all the time and not die. |
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[May. 18th, 2009|11:37 pm] |
The House of Gas are cocks! Seriously, my workload is a fucking joke: take all the fresh advocate cases from my team, cover Ollie's team half the time while he's off being "upskilled" or what-the-fuck-ever, check all of my pended cases to see how they're progressing, answer any and all fucking retarded questions from the fucking retarded CSAs, do two hours of CET backlog work, listen to all the same day and next day repeat calls, call back every customer who gives us a score of 2 or below on the Net Promoter survey and ask them why (as if we don't already know it's because our customers are unreasonable malicious fuckheads), answer more fucking retarded questions, check the RB55 report, earmark anyone who alters a payment scheme by more than ten percent, check those accounts, listen to the calls and give feedback as required and do two hours of answering 'phones on the General Enquiries line?
Okay, great, and after that, I will fly around the world backwards in order to bend time and space and therefore somehow pull off doing twenty hours worth of work in a ten hour shift, because I am in fact Superman and I can do that shit. Fuck you all.
Not to mention this new "Debt Champ" bullshit they're rolling out, which might as well be subtitled "I know it's a recession, but the House of Gas doesn't give a fuck about your financial hardships and in fact we're going to give our people less flex and train them to be even bigger hardasses in order to get our money," and is going to be used as an excuse for every lazy piece of shit manning the 'phones to pass off everyone who doesn't like his direct debit amount to their advocate. FUCK OFF! I spent months last summer explaining direct debits to these retards, and I worked fucking hard to get made adovcate so I wouldn't have to waste my time trying to get these braindead fucks to understand basic maths, and I will not fucking well do it again.
And last Tuesday, I'm in training for eight hours, then I get back and I'm on the 'phones until the end of my shift, but do I have any cover for the fresh caseload? No, I'm expected to make that shit up the next day. Yet Ollie gets pulled for half a day on Wednesday, and I'm supposed to take his new cases? While managing my own backlog? Fuck off! His guys can wait a single fucking afternoon while he gets to them, rather than putting me two days behind on everything.
At least Twatby, my fuckwad of a stand-in manager, is dead or in Thailand or whatever. Piece of shit kept trying to get me to do his fucking manager calls, claiming he was busy, all the while sat there talking about whatever piece-of-shit House of Gas football league he plays in with some other no-concept-of-an-indoor-voice shitsacks. DIE!
I feel like shooting a whole bunch of people in a whole bunch of fucking places. |
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[May. 11th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | addams family, antonio banderas, brad pitt, christian slater, coraline, hairspray, halloween, hugh jackman, i am sick, i hate ben affleck, interview with a vampire, job of doom, nbx, neil gaiman, people make me sick, supernatural, the wire, tim burton, tom cruise, xmen | ] |
God, there are some right divs at the House of Gas. The fire alarm went off today and, I kid you not, our fire warden stood there in the middle of the corridor, blocking the way, bleating about whether or not we knew where the assembly point for our call centre was in the event of a fire. I was like, "Hmm, is it perchance outside of the burning building?" How do these people make it to adulthood? Fuckwad.
Anyway, some important points to note:
- The Wolverine movie is beautiful. It's a bit soap-opera-ish with the evil long lost brother thing and of course it has Gambit in (boo!) but really, this is about Hugh Jackman wearing leather and lots of hairspray, and a flimsy excuse for a plot strung together wuth awesomely choreographed fight scenes.
- Hairspray has a bit wrecked the earlier X-Men movies for me. Well, not X3, that one came pre-wrecked. But now I cannot look at Cyclops without seeing Corny Collins and wanting him to dance and sing and be massively inappropriate on a daytime kids TV show. And then I feel sad when it doesn't happen.
- If the Wolverine movie is beautiful, then Coraline is even more beautiful. I cannot describe the wonder. Go watch!
- I love the movie version of Interview with the Vampire. I sometimes forget how much I love it because I'm a bit shallow and there's nobody I really think is hot in there,* and also nowadays it's a bit tainted from the combined batshittery of Tom Cruise and Anne Rice, but I was watching it on Sunday and as soon as I heard those first few bars in the opening sequence, all my love for it came rushing back.
- The first half of the fourth season of Supernatural is semi-awesome. That's not the same as being full-on good, by the way. It's like, a bit good. There's a lifesized walking, talking, suicidal teddy bear (awesome), a stubbly angel who's a bit gay for Dean (awesome), an episode which is basically Supernatural does the Universal Studios Monster Mash (awesome to the power of a sideways eight thing) and BUNNY! Unfortunately, there's also creepy Padaleckisex, the stubbly angel isn't as stubbly or as overtly gay for Dean as I feel he could be, and Bunny is really mean. To like, everyone. Oh Bunny, how have we come to this? Also, there were these totally mean witches who tried to ruin Halloween for everyone. Boo, mean witches! You're lucky it was only Sam and Dean that showed up to punish you with guns. If Jack Skellington had been there, then you'd be sorry.
- I had better have pig flu! I feel like shit and the only thing keeping me from curling up and dying in misery is the thought that I am actively spreading a contagion that will wipe out billions of humans. If this turns out just to be a bad cold, I will be pissed.
- The Assassination of Jesse James is soooooooo booooring. Casey Affleck may be mildly less hideous than his sibling, but they are both gaping voids in the fabric of the universe, into which any semblence of talent or charisma is dragged, screaming, into the darkness, ne'er to return. Also, it is so badly directed, they have to have some random narrate what's going on in every scene.
Anyway, I think that's all the important life lessons I learnt this week - I trust you will all take them on board and be enriched by my wisdom. I'm going to watch the Wire and bemoan Bunny's fall from grace. Oh Bunny!
*Okay, it has Christian Slater, but he's in it for like ten minutes, and althoughg Antonio Banderas is normally hot, let's face it, white base and a Morticia Addams wig are not a good look for him. |
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[May. 8th, 2009|12:50 am] |
You know, I had this whole post planned out about how I love Escaflowne and I was going to go through it and talk about all the little touches that made it so perfect and beautiful, but I just watched the movie and now all I cam think to say is:
HORSEY GO BOOM!
That is all. |
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[May. 3rd, 2009|04:06 am] |
Aw man, I should totally not put A Home at the End of the World as the last movie I watched for Colinfest, seeing as how it always makes me cry a little bit. In fact, I have just watched Colin Farrel lose four boyfriends and one daddy figure in a single evening and I'm totally sad now. I need to go and watch something happy and beautiful before I go to sleep, but I lent my copy of Once Upon A Time In Mexico to a friend, boo! You guys need to recommend some other good films with cheery endings to me.
Oh wait! I totally forgot about Hairspray. Screw you Zac Efron, I deserve some damn cheer right about now and your stupid cancer-inducing face isn't going to stand in the way of happy songs about chocolate and cake. |
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[Apr. 30th, 2009|10:50 pm] |
Man, I hate being poor. You know what I'm eating right now, as part of my celebratory "yay, you survived another week at the House of Gas and you haven't been fired or even shot anybody in the face!" meal? Couscous. That's right, fucking couscous. No take-out pizza for Froodle, oh no, because despite working a forty hour week in the belly of the hideous beast that is customer service, she's too poor to waste a whole fiver on delicious jalapeno-laden pizza. I mean, I suppose I could console myself with the thought that staying off the junk food will ensure I look even more fabulous than ever in this cute dress I saw at Rose and Co, but oh wait! I can't afford it anyway!
Fucking couscous. Seriously. |
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[Apr. 18th, 2009|02:52 am] |
So, prompted by the EPICNESS of Nick Stahl's suprising talent for snark in How To Rob A Bank, I declared today The Day That Was The Day, or for those of you who are losers who won't take advice, Carnivale Day. Dudes, I love Carnivale. I wish there was more of it. I wish there was a full six seasons of wacky allegory and wanton symbolism and Cynthia Ettinger's breasts. I want Tim DeKay's little crush on Ben and Iris being creepy as all get out. I want show-runners with PhDs in anthropology who assume everyone is as familiar with the concepts of Avataric lore as they are. I want to be able to sit there and go, "What is this shit? I have no idea what's going on!" and then give up and admire Nick Stahl's milky-white torso. I want to see Lodz come back. I want to find out what was up with that fuckin' bear. I want to find out if Sofie really does bring about the End of Days. I want Ben and Ruthie to get some closure. I want to see poor Ben's heart break when he finds out Sofie is the Omega. I want Stumpy to be... well, Stumpy, and I want to know what the deal was with Sampson and Management.
But, God hates me and Carnivale is cancelled. So I have to make do with whatever pieces of pure awesome I can find on YouTube. And these are pretty awesome. Highlights:
Ben, to Libby: Let's go kill some birds, I'm psyched!
Ben,to Lodz: I said not it! If the playround rules aren't in effect, this is anarchy!
Norman, to Justin: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things keep happening to you is because you're a dumbass.
Ben, painting up Ruthie's banner: I suck at this job.
The fact that "Ben" plays over the closing credits of the first link.
The COPS parody at the start of the second - triple bonus points for the sped-up shot of Gabriel picking Ben up while he kicks and flails and generally looks like a complete spastic.
And my personal favourite?
Justin: *GODZILLA ROAR*
Oh, also Psych is okay. I may write more about it later, but I may not. Who knows?
Oh, PS: I would have also wanted to see that creepy fuck Evander Geddes get his. What a dick, seriously. |
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[Apr. 16th, 2009|12:39 am] |
Dudes. Dudes.
What is this?
Why are Vorenus and Mark Anthony in bed together? Where is Pullo in all this? And most importantly, how come it's not on my DVDs? Help, dudes!
In other news, everyone should watch How To Rob a Bank, as it is marvellous and is basically just Ben from Carnivale ranting about bank surcharges while locked in a vault for ninety minutes. It's like someone made a film out of the opening scene from I Am The Messanger. In other words, it is beautiful and if you don't agree you're probably a rapist or something else bad! |
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[Apr. 15th, 2009|02:34 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, billy campbell, buffy, heroes, i hate bugs, i hate clowns, shark, simpsons, smallville, stargate, supernatural, x-files | ] |
Do you guys know why the 4400 is better than pretty much every sci-fi/fantasy/horror show ever? It's not because it has Billy Campbell bringing heaven to earth (if the suckfest that was Shark proved anything, it is that not even Billy Campbell can rescue a show that is otherwise dire) or because there's a character whose ability is the power to make shockingly poor B-movie conspiracy thrillers, or even because Joel Gresch is a marvellous actor who really hasn't been given the praise he deserves in previous posts because I'm shallow and would rather talk about how beautiful and earnest his character is. No, the 4400 is better than it's peers because it has never, ever had an episode about bugs.
I hate bugs. I would rather face hoardes of ravening zombies in a nuclear wasteland than see some bugs. And that sucks because, from Buffy to the X-Files via Smallville and Stargate and Supernatural, in every sci-fi-ish show in the whole history of recorded time, there's always an episode about bugs somewhere. Even Heroes did it with that whole Mohinderspider thing - and really, way to take a character whose only positive attribute is his pretty face - not to mention, one of only a few really attractive actors left by that point - and totally wreck it for everyone. Stupid Mohinder. Stupid show.
Anyway, the point of this post is that I just finished watching Fear Itself, and I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with anyone's arachnophobia coming to glaring CGI life on my TV screen that I forgot about the bit at the start where the dude gets attacked by clowns. And now I'm having a total "can't sleep, clown will eat me" moment and I'm trying to distract myself and it's totally not working.
Damn it. I am going to make a hot chocolate and then sit up working on my Marked!Jordan/Shawn smutfic and try not to think about clowns with mouths full of yellowed, needle-sharp teeth and long, jagged fingernails tearing at my flesh OH GOD! |
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[Apr. 13th, 2009|01:34 am] |
Shark sucks. Like, to infinity and beyond. I was all ready to write it off as a lame ripoff of lame House only with lame lawyers, and then BILLY CAMPBELL showed up and I was like OMGJORDANILOVEYOU only then he turned out to be this incredibly horrifying serial killer (and seriously dudes, a serial killer has to be pretty horrifying before I'm horrified) and he didn't be at all awesome, he was just frightening and not in a good or awesome way AT ALL and it sucked.
Oh, and did I mention, it's pretty much House but with lawyers? Like Shark is House, and Blonde Boss is Cuddy, and Tiny Latino Dude is Cameron, and Whitey McWhiteBoy is Chase, and Bitchy Blonde is Bitchy Blonde (from the later seasons, I don't know her name because I lost interest during that storyline with the mean police dude that went on for like a thousand episodes) and Sasspirella is what would happen if you combined Foreman and Cameron into one person and Investigator Tall is Foreman and it's fucking lame, dudes. Also, Shark's real name isn't Shark, it's Stark, and every time someone uses it I keep hoping that he'll don a blinged-out flying suit and zoom away to fight some terrorists or whatever, but he doesn't because Shark is made from fail.
Seriously, dudes. What a waste of perfectly good Jordanbeard.
Anyway, now I am watching Queen of Swords and it's epic - Methos is this wee snarky doctor who steals apples and is snarky, and Kronos is this mean Colonel dude who steals all the peasants gold and is really snide about everything in a really English villain type way, only he has this random Spanish accent that comes and goes at random. There's a lame girl Zorro who is lame but whatever, this is really about Kronos stealin' gold and meening on people and Methos being snarky. Go watch! |
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[Apr. 10th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
Oh, "No Exit", are you my favourite episode of the 4400 ever? I think it is quite possible.
Kyle and Shawn getting into a little bitchfight over Jordans' affections is completely made of win - Kyle's all, "My relationship with Jordan is very different from the one you had," and Shawn's all, "Oh no you didn't! Bitch, I will fucking cut you!"* and then the glass explodes and Jordan carries Shawn's body in his MANLY ARMS and Tom was all teary-eyed and earnest and beautiful and then him and Jordan on the 'phone at the end and Jordan's all suggestive and pervy and Tom is like, "Hmmm-NO WAIT YOU DEBAUCHED MY NEPHEW AND MY SON GO AWAY!" and - dudes, it was wonderous and you should all watch it. There is hotness for all tastes here - wide-eyed, pouty-lipped boywhores, conflicted, protective daddy figures, morally ambiguous bearded Dark Messiahs, bespectacled geekboys - something for everyone. WATCH!
*This is a tiny overstatement on my part - Shawn's reaction is more like, "Pfft!" But that's kind of Shawn's equivalent of threatening to cut somebody this season. Boy needs a visit from the Manly Violence Fairy if you ask me. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2009|06:17 pm] |
Teehee! I am watching the 4400 and it's just after Cassie brings Kyle and Isabelle to Jordans' seekrit P-positive hideaway. Shawn's at the 4400 Centre when he receives a photocopy of the White Light book in the mail. His 'phone rings and it's Kyle. Kyle tells Shawn that he needs to read the entire thing before "the meeting." Shawn's all like, "What meeting?" Kyle says that Jordan is nearby.
And Shawn sort of looks around and automatically makes as if to check his hair.
And guys, it's so adorable, because it's obvious to anyone else that what Kyle means is that Jordan is near to him, but Shawn's reaction is like he thinks Jordan will be hiding behind the filing cabinet or something, and Jordan's going to be all, "What's with the coma-hair, Shawn?" and he and his beard will be all beautiful and mocking and superiour about it and Shawn will be sad and hurty-faced.
Oh Shawn. I know I mock you for your constant hurty-face and your excessive earnestness, but I love you really. If Patrick Flueger ever decides to star in something that doesn't suck again, I will be there. I'm even going to give him his own tag, just on the off-chance.
ETA: Click here for some classic Hurty Face!Shawn. Also contains Business Beard!Jordan, from his pre-Jebus days. I have to apologise for the puke-inducing song, though. |
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[Apr. 9th, 2009|10:55 pm] |
What? What? WHAT?!
New Skulduggery Pleasant, dudes. What the fuckedy fucking fuckcakes?!
.........
No, seriously. What?!?! |
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[Apr. 5th, 2009|09:59 pm] |
Not that you guys should really need any encouragement to watch the 4400 beyond Jordan's beard, but as I am watching the episode in question, I would like to point out that there is a 4400 whose ability is, I kid you not, the ability to bring MANLY VIOLENCE on a massive scale. I'm totally serious, there was Tom and Major Lorne and handcuffing and pistol-whipping galore. It was glorious, dudes!
TJ should take herself over to Numb3rs and spend some time around Don and David this season. And Colby. I don't think I've ever seen Colby pistol-whip someone. Tch, Colby. Way to let the side down. |
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[Apr. 4th, 2009|03:21 am] |
ALEXANDER! I love you! Let's never be parted again. Seriously, I even love Colin Farrel's "conqueror-up-front, party-in-the-back" mullet wig. My love is all-encompassing!
...well, maybe not all. The bits with Ye Olde Ptolemy are still made of boring, and I could really do without that cringe-inducing sex scene between Alexarrell and Mimi from RENT and Cassander still needs to shut his fucking bitch mouth and not be in films anymore. Perhaps it would be fairer to say my love encompasses all the Alexarrell/Jarphaistion bits and the battle scenes and the bits with Olympias and Phillip and Buccephelus. The good bits, in other words. |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2009|11:48 pm] |
Hah! Oh man, I had forgotten how much I liked that bit in the final episode where Vorenus finishes laying out Mark Anthony in state (is that a spoiler? I think everyone knows that Mark Anthony dies in the end) and Cleopatra walks in and Vorenus is all, *glare* and Cleopatra's like, "Lucius Vorenus has something he wishes to say?" and Vorenus is like, "No," and she's all, "Then he will stop looking at me!" and Vorenus sort of leans forward and super-glares at her in this really insolent way and I'm not describing it well but it's fucking hilarious, 'cause Vorenus is quite a glary character anyway but this is him dialling it all the way up to 11 and it's like - okay, you know that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where they open the Arc and the Nazi dudes' face melts off? The Arc could have contained the Level 11 Vorenus Glare. If the Care Bear Stare and Chernobyl had a baby, it would be Vorenus's glare at that moment.
And oh, Agrippa, I love you. That scene where Cleopatra dies and he asks Octavian what she whispered to him and Octavian's like, *visably shaken* "She said I had a rotten soul," and Agrippa just says "Ah," and you can tell that what he really means is, "Yeah, that's fair, you suck," and it's so understated and yet such an epicly harsh burn, I love it.
Also huge love for Atia's final scene, for this fucking beautiful exchange with Octavian's creepy-ass wife:
Livia: Oh, I don't mind really, but it is really I who should go first. If you consult the priests, I'll think you'll find the wife takes precedence.
Atia: I don't give a fuck what the priests say! I'll not let a vicious little trollop like you walk ahead of me. I go first.
Livia: I take no offense, of course. You are not yourself.
Atia: I know who you are. I can see you. You're swearing now that, someday, you'll destroy me. Remember that far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go look for them now.
Anyway, I am now exactly in the mood to watch Alexander, so I'm going to do that. Please have Alexander/Hephaistion porn waiting for when I get back. |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2009|01:42 pm] |
Oh noes! Poor Atia! I keep forgetting to say this (because I am shallow and easily distracted by shouty menfolk in leather skirts) but I love Atia. She's such a cold-hearted, power-hungry, manipulative bitch - I wish I had the balls to be as much of a cunt as she is. And now she's in Egypt and Mark Anthony won't even see her and she's all sad and it's totally making me cry. And Octavia is all, "You suck, Mark Anthony!" Even Vorenus is extra-glary and distainful at his behaviour. For shame, Mark Anthony. Your tattoos and eyeliner may be beautiful beyond all reason, but meening on Atia is very unacceptable.
Alao, grown up!Octavian is a cock. He doesn't deserve to have been played by Ickle Midshipman Blakeney. Dick. |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2009|12:16 am] |
Oh my God you guys, help! I just watched the bit where Caeser and Cleopatra are all like, "Look at wee Caesarian!" and all the army dudes are like, "Yay!" and Pullo's like "YAY!" and Vorenus is all glary and cranky, like, "Hush your excessive yay!" and Pullo's like, *teenytinyyay* and-and-and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL WHY IS NOBODY HERE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS! |
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[Apr. 2nd, 2009|12:20 am] |
Dudes. Dudes! Why are you not all watching the Wire now that the BBC has finally gotten its fucking retarded act together and started showing it on normal TV?
Or to put it another way: watch the Wire. Or you suck.
PS: Also watch Rome. Then be a bit in love with Vorenus. Then come here and talk to me about it so I don't feel like I'm all alone with my embarrasing Vorenuscrush.
PPS: If you wanted to come here and talk about how hot Mark Anthony is instead, and maybe post some pictures of James Purefoy being naked and/or menacing, that would be totally okay aswell. |
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[Feb. 26th, 2009|11:23 pm] |
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHOSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Yes, I am watching Highlander. Yes, that is all I came on here to say. No, I have nothing to add. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|10:38 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, blade, cadillac records, colin farrel, constantine, coraline, ewan mcgregor, heroes, hugh jackman, job of doom, neil gaiman, numb3rs, profit, push, stab woody allen in the face, star trek, supernatural, tim burton, underworld sucked monkeyballs, xmen, year of the pasdar | ] |
Notes From This Weekend:
- Cadillac Records is fucking awesome. Also, Beyonce is totally not-fail as an actress. I wasn't even a little bit embarrassed for her at any point. Well done, Beyonce.
- Push is okay. It has Papa Midnite as the main baddie, and he's cool, but the main dude is like the love child of Dean Winchester and that dude who plays Dracula in Blade: Trinity. Not as hot as it sounds, guys. Also, the cast list was all, NOW WITH ADDED TOM BALDWIN! and then I watched it and Tom Baldwin was in it for like ten seconds before he died. Not cool, Push. We do not go around killing beautiful earnest Tom Baldwin.
- Zachary Quinto was put on this earth to torment me. They showed the trailer of the new Star Trek movie and I swear, it's like God is sitting there going, "Hey Froodle, here's a really seriously fucking hot guy for you to stare at, but the catch is, every time you see him on-screen, he's going to be playing a character that you want to kick in the nuts." Why, Zachary Quinto? Why?!
- There is a new Fast and Furious movie. Paul Walker was being failsome and excessively American as usual. Vin Diesel was being retardatical as usual. It was all very disgraceful.
- CORALINE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
- Likewise, WOLVERINE MOVIE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
- Mohinder, you fail at science so much. I am completely filled with distain for you. SCIENTISTS! PLEASE DO NOT INJECT YOURSELF WITH UNTESTED SHITTERY! IT NEVER ENDS WELL!
- I really hate Woody Allen. Honestly, I want to kick him in the nuts so badly, Zachary Quinto will probably end up playing him in the biopic. Cassandra Dreams is fucktarded beyond belief. How anyone can take Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor and turn it into a bloated, self-important, mind-numbingly dull wankfest is beyond me.
- Profit is beautiful. Oh Profit. You are my only friend.
- The fact that there is yet another Underworld movie makes me hate God.
On a totally unrelated note, the House of Gas has arranged an hour and a half lecture on the Golden Ratio and Fibonacci sequences. At work. For the workers. Except that if you're scheduled to be on the 'phones, you don't get to go, which begs the question, who the fuck is expecting a bunch of phone-monkeys to give up their free time to go to a lecture, at work, on advanced mathematical concepts? Are we going to be fighting crime with them? Will the FBI and adorkable curly-headed mathematicians be involved? No? Fuck off then. I'm just so confused by the rational behind it - most of our retardo customers can't add VAT to a fuel bill without having a meltdown - is this something King Gas thinks is going to be useful in our day to day lives? WHAT IS GOING ON?! |
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[Feb. 12th, 2009|01:00 am] |
There are not, on the whole, many things that would make me wish I lived in America. In fact, apart from the International House of Pancakes (why don't we have those over here? Seriously, why? How many fucking Starbucks does one city need, and not a single place to get delicious pancakes?) the only thing I really envy is the effort they put into Halloween. Like, I'm sat here watching Jericho, and bear in mind these people have just survived a nuclear Apocalypse, not to mention the fact that they live in Kansas so their lives must be shitty anyway, what with the hurricanes and Superman being such a dick and all, but when Halloween rolls around, the decorations go up, the costumes go on and the candy comes out. Over here the only acknowledgement we get is like, a selection of three shitty plastic masks at your local 24-hour Spar, and that's only if it's a big Spar.
Seriously, England. Learn. |
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[Feb. 9th, 2009|09:49 pm] |
Fuck you, Homicide! I swear to God, just fuck you! Not content with ruining nearly two weeks of good fandom-intentions, you have to sneak into my other fandoms and wreck them for me too. To recap: it's Sunday afternoon. I've just made a big batch of brownies with nuts and I'm kicking back with a plate of chocolatey goodness, a glass of milk and Eerie, Indiana. Thanks to the beautifulness that is Agent Sands (MOAR AGENT SANDS PLZ!) last night, I have more or less gotten over my Homicide-related hissy fit and I'm feeling pretty mellow. I'm watching No Brain, No Pain and it's that scene where Syndi is looking after the crazy homeless dude and she's trying to explain Todd and Donna in Latvian and suddenly I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, I know that voice..." and it's fucking Kyle Secor aka Wee Bayliss playing Todd, and suddenly all my hatred comes rushing back and the whole experiance is ruined and I go off in a sulk to watch Escaflowne. DON'T FUCKING FOLLOW ME THERE, WEE BAYLISS! THE LOVE IS DEAD!
Fuck you, Homicide. Seriously. |
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[Feb. 8th, 2009|12:56 am] |
Oh my God, Homicide, you make me so fucking cranky for so many reasons! First of all, you have completely broken my heart with the demise of the Lewis/Kellerman love, which is extra-annoying because they were so beautiful and fun and Luther Mahoney was evil and horrid and deserved to get shot anyway and how dare you meen on poor Mikey and Meldrick for that! And also because it's Clark Johnson and nothing bad should ever happen to him because he directed SWAT and that pretty much gives him a free pass on everything for all fucking time. But also you suck for having a stupid TV movie that I knew nothing about and so, even after I was so good and watched right to the end and didn't spoil myself for any of it, I go off to find some fic at fucking last and suddenly the Intarwebs are all, RARGH OH MY GOD WEE BAYLISS GOES TO JAIL FOR SHOOTIN'S RARGH OH MY GOD! and thanks for fucking wrecking it for me dickholes!* And even after that, your fic is hard-to-find and organised in a totally retarded way and I hate you all!
Anyway, screw you Homicide. I am going to watch Once Upon A Time In Mexico and be all OMG MOAR SANDS PLZ and not think about you anymore. Stupid Homicide.
*Yeah, sorry if I ruined that for anybody else, but OH WAIT NO I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL I AM CRANKY AND MEEN! And no, I didn't misspell that, the extra E stands for added MEEN. |
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[Feb. 7th, 2009|02:36 am] |
Man, I'm dumb. I have allowed myself to get sucked into the madness that is CreepyPasta and now I am so creeped out that I can't sleep or even get off this sofa in case something reaches out from underneath and grabs my ankle (totally possible, given my lack of housekeeping-fu). I just got out of the shower and literally, I was standing there under the spray thinking, "Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, oh God, shampoo in my eyes, don't close them, don't close- oh God the pain, oh it burns, no, keep them open, don't close, don't close!" for the full twenty minutes. Then I had a panic attack when the bathroom door got stuck because I thought there might be a clown hiding behind it waiting to get me, and then the stupid fucking energy efficient bulbs in the lounge took ages to come on and it was pitch black and now I am made entirely from irrational, stupidity-induced fear. In conclusion: I suck, and should never be allowed on the Intarwebs.
On a sort of but not really related note, why is the 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo not out on DVD, when that piece of shit new thing where they all have iPhones and other such bullshittery can be purchased in its' entirety? Fuck you, Hanna Barbera, you are ruining Vincent Price Day before it even starts. Dicks.
Anyway, I need something very distracting and utterly devoid of creepiness to calm me down, so I'm going to raid my stash of Emergency Porn for some Jonah/Jake Green slash that I have saved for exactly this kind of situation, and bid you goodnight. |
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[Jan. 28th, 2009|09:44 pm] |
ARGH! Don't you just hate it when you're halfway through a series that you've not seen in its entirety before, and you really, really want to read some fic for it, but you can't because most of the stuff you want is set in the seasons you haven't seen yet and even the fucking summaries give away big fatass plot points? Argh! Going to watch more Homicide now. Find Pembleton/Wee Bayliss porn for when I get back.
PS Also, "entirety" is a weird word. I just checked it in three different dictionaries because I was sure it was wrong. It looks stupid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 30 rock, a town called eureka, buffy, heroes, mad men, near dark, profit, smallville, star trek, stargate, utena, vampires yay, year of the pasdar, zac efron blows goats | ] |
Profit arrived last week. Oh my fucking God! It's like somebody sat down and thought, "Hmm, let's design a show specifically to appeal to Froodles. What do Froodles like? Nakedness, killin's, Nathan Petrelli - I HAVE IT!" Seriously dudes, this is what Mad Men would be like if Don was actually a sociopath rather than just kind of a dick. And did I mention, there is so much naked Nathan Petrelli!
Starting immediately, 2009 will be known as the Year of The Pasdar. Anyone caught not celebrating the Year of The Pasdar will be doomed to spend the next 360 days in Hell, which is a small room covered in pictures of Zefron fondling his nipples while a tape of Jade Goody talking plays on an endless loop and there's nothing you can use to take your own life and end the pain.
Of course, since he hasn't been in much besides Heroes and Profit and that one really random movie with the cowboy vampires (no, I'm not making this up), it may be necessary to Pasdarize some other shows in order to have enough entertainment to last the whole year. Suggestions so far:
- Nathan: the Vampire Slayer
- Battlestar Pasdarica
- Stargate: SG Pasdar
- Pasdar Atlantis
- Pastrek
- Pasdarville
- A Town Called Pasdar
- Revolutionary Girl Pasdar
- 30 Pasdar
On a related note, I saw the season finale of Heroes when I was home over Christmas and Sylar is such a goon! He's totally fallen into the trap of having plans that are too complicated to actually work - I'm not going to go into too many details here because I can't be bothered to look up the cut tag, but I swear he spent five minutes gloating to Mr Bennett about whatever the fuck his evil plan was. And Mr Bennet looked bored. Whatever, Sylar. I liked you better when you just ate brains and stalked Mohinder. |
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[Dec. 22nd, 2008|12:53 am] |
You know what makes me sort of tetchy about the Numb3rs fandom? It's the fact that there's like, a massively disproportionate amount of porn featuring Billy Cooper, often with guys who hadn't even joined the show at the time of his mighty one episode only appearance, but there is no Colby/Dwayne action to be seen. Seriously, you guys! Where is the Dwayne love? I know he turned out to be a bit lame and evil and he kind of spoke like a retard, but he did save Colby from Fatass Kilmer Batman in the end, so I think that should earn him some points.
Aah, screw you all. Go and find me some pictures of Nathan Petrelli looking beautiful. I'm going to bed. |
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[Dec. 15th, 2008|10:29 pm] |
You guys, I just finished watching the last season of the West Wing and it was so good I think my face might melt off from the joy of it! In fact, I think the only way it could possibly have been improved is if there was an episode where President Bartlett got Puppet!Cancer and they had to orchestrate a massive cover-up while trying to find a cure. And even then, Puppet!Cancer is not very West Wing-y, so it's probably best they didn't*. Except now I'm all, "Hmm, I think I shall watch Moonlight," and you know how Moonlight is actually not a very good show anyway? It's even worse when you watch it after three weeks of beautiful Josh the West Wing.
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ARGH OH MY GOD SOMEBODY BUY ME STUDIO 60 I AM GETTING AIDS FROM LACK OF JOSH! *rolls around on the floor foaming at the mouth*
*Although, come on, that would rock! CJ would crack at the press podium and come clean and the reporters would all be like, "Whatevs, CJ, you could at least make up a convincing lie!" Josh would hide under his desk and pretend the whole thing wasn't happening. Will would be confused and slightly intimidated and have pockets filled with olives. Toby would yell at everyone and hurl rubber balls with reckless abandon (so, no change). Then at the end Margeret would be revealed as a secret Communist puppet spy who masterminded the whole plot and everyone would be like, GASP! Leo would shake his head sadly as they dragged her away in handcuffs. |
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[Dec. 9th, 2008|09:00 pm] |
| Which creature of the night are you? Your Result: Demon Your raging id needs no chemical incentive to break out into a fiery orgy of destruction. When you're not burning, you're brooding. All you need is someone to point the way out for you. | | Werewolf | | | Cthulu Spawn | | | Vampire | | | Sorceror | | | Incubus/Succubus | | | Ghost | | Which creature of the night are you?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz |
Do not even try to pretend you are suprised.
I'm trying to decide what weirds me out most about the West Wing, now that Rob Lowe and his strange face have gone to travel the world and maybe learn to grow a manly beard, and I can't decide if I'm more freaked out about Glinda being Toby's new Gal Friday or the fact that Lucas Buck is the Vice President. Like, every time the President has an MS attack or Toby's crazy ex-wife crazily refuses to re-marry him because she's crazy or some handsome Republican rogue tries to steal one of Josh's many whores, I keep expecting to hear a door slam off-screen and then the camera spins 'round and Lucas will be standing there brimming with his trademark genial menace and it never happens.
Actually, yeah, the Lucas thing is weirder than the Glinda thing.
ETA:
In other, boring news, passport turned up, leak is fixed, central heating works and apart from a lingering wet-dog smell from the carpet, flat is livable again. |
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[Dec. 6th, 2008|01:47 am] |
Well, that was officially the worst Friday in the entire world history of Fridays. First of all, my insomnia is now back in full swing and I haven't slept at all since Wednesday night. Then I waited in all day for a flat inspection prior to renewing my lease which never happened, and nobody bothered to call and tell me it was cancelled. Then the Post Office conspired to lose my passport, without which I cannot go home over the festive season, therefore rendering the holidays I fought tooth and nail to secure for myself utterly worthless* and also means lots of hassle dealing with retarded people I really don't feel like dealing with, and then. THEN! My central heating system literally explodes, flooding the flat below me, leaving me without heat or running water and trashing my mattress.
Actually, now that I write that, it suddenly seems a really good thing that I didn't renew my lease today.
Silver linings:
- The girl in the flat beneath me, though understandably somewhat hysterical at the sudden deluge coming through her light fixtures, is actually quite interesting to talk to. Given my disinclination towards sociability at all times, I would probably never have known this if I hadn't inadvertantly destroyed her VHS collection.
- The engineer I called and left a message for got back to me at half-past eleven and, without any wrangling, turned up twenty minutes later to do what damage control he could. You have to give him props for that.
- As previously stated, I haven't actually renewed my lease, so if this turns out to be an epic disaster, I'm off the hook at the end of this month anyway.
Nevertheless, as days go it sucked mightily, and I think you should all seek out the finest porn in the land and bring it to me as a balm for my many wounds.
*And while we're on the subject, why the fuck do you need a passport to go to the Isle of Man? As if anyone is going to go to all the effort of sneaking into that inbred shithole illegally. "Hmm, what country shall I attempt to gain access to without proper documentation? The Netherlands? Canada? Oh I know, the Isle of Man. Number one for marriages between first cousins and second only to Wales in the livestock-fucking stakes." |
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