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"I do not peddle flesh. I sell dreams."
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[Nov. 17th, 2009|12:22 am] |
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Why has nobody written a fic about how Wendell from Bones is actually a zombie and the "people from the neighbourhood" who clubbed together to send him to college are the zombies from Wasting Away who form their own settlement at the end of the movie? I'm totally offended by the lack of a Wasting Away/Bones crossover.
Of course, if somebody was to write it for me, I would waive my offendedness. And I might give them some sort of reward, such as... umm... cake? Or a time canoe! Or even both!
Actually, I will only give you both if you manage to work something in there about Hodgins and the tiny gay English intern who is totally in love with him* aswell. But it will be totally worth it!
*This is actually kind of against the rules in Bones, since it was clearly established at the very start of the show that everyone is in love with The Dave and any other love-interests are secondary to that love, but I think Tiny Gay English Intern is very brave for daring to defy the Rule of Bones and thus deserves some credit. Or at least not to be written off the show for not loving The Dave enough. |
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[Nov. 16th, 2009|10:20 pm] |
Okay, one, I just watched American Outlaws, and it was BEAUTIFUL and an EXACT EXAMPLE of what all films about the Wild West should be, ie it should consist entirely of Colin Farrel being wet and shirtless and FOOLISHLY BRAVE and saying that various lady friends of his friends have moustaches EVEN THOUGH quite clearly they don't.
Secondly, dudes, I have been totally remiss in not talking more about my love for Once a Thief, for it is lovely and you should all watch it. I'm talking about the cheesy rip-off TV series, not the serious boring John Woo movie that doesn't even have Krycek in it, obviously.
If you've never heard of Once a Thief, there is quite a good overview of it here. It's this utterly marvellous show about these two ex-thieves, Li Ann and Mac, and an ex-cop who was UNJUSTLY FRAMED for some crime he didn't do - except that it's Krycek so probably he did do it really, just in a different way than everyone thinks, and then lied about it, because THAT IS HOW HE ROLLS - who work for a SHADOWY GOVERNMENT AGENCY (that you never learn the name of, and which is repeatedly referred to by all the characters as "a shadowy government agency") under the guidence of Jennifer Dale, aka MYSTIQUE, as the Director. Everything is about a hundred times better with Mystique. It also features a Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss (no, really) and the two most awesomely marvellous assassins in the entire known universe, and it is SO GOOD YOU GUYS, oh my God.
Reasons you should watch it:
- Murphy and Camier, the Cleaners, get called in to provide backup on a case when Mac, Krycek and Jackie (the Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss who gets recruited into the Agency later in the series, dudes I totally gave that away, sorry) are kidnapped by some evils. After the evils are defeated, the Cleaners are going to execute them, but Jennifer Dale stops them. The Cleaners get really het up about this and mention filing a grievance through their union because Jennifer Dale brought them there under false pretenses and didn't let them kill some dudes.
- When Mac gets married, Krycek offers to throw him a bachelor party, except Mac doesn't have any friends so Krycek brings in a random bunch of Japanese tourists, the Cleaners and a scientist that he interviewed from a case he was working on to fill out the numbers. No, really.
- One episode starts with Li Ann and Jackie having this knock-down drag-out catfight in the middle of the Agency award ceremony. Mac and Krycek spend the rest of that episode fantasising about various girl-fights and betting on who would win. At the end of the episode, Krycek stupidly bets on Li Ann and Jackie to defeat the Director, despite the fact that Jennifer Dale has never lost a steel cage match.
- During a brawl in a strip club, Mac is mistaken for a baddie and gets maced by the security dudes. While he's clawing at his eyes and screaming "I'm on your side! I'm one of you!" Krycek laughs evilly and wanders off. Seriously, he just lets him get arrested and everything, it's hilarious.
- It has KRYCEK! I don't even know why I bothered to mention that other stuff, the existance of KRYCEK should be enough to convince you people. Go watch it!
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[Nov. 13th, 2009|02:04 am] |
Dudes, I just finished watching Escaflowne and I never picked up on this before, but is Folken kind of retarded or what? 'Cause, you know, he keeps sending Dilandau into these situations that obviously need a bit of delicate handling and then he gets all outraged and cranky when Dilandau starts setting fire to shit in the middle of a mission.
And okay, the first couple of times you sent him to kill one dude or nick one Guymelef and he ended up burning an entire city to the ground, maybe you'd think it was inexperiance or the heat of battle or whatever, but by the sixth or seventh time he pulls the exact same stunt, wouldn't you be like, "Okay, you stay home and mind the Fortress, Chesta can handle this since we're only going to collect one fucking sword, you little prick!"
Stupid Zaibach. If you're going to hire people that dumb to be your Stragegos, you don't deserve to rule the fucking world. Assholes. |
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[Nov. 10th, 2009|03:35 pm] |
Dudes, oh my God! I have just read the most unbelievably cheeky email from the House of Gas that I have ever recieved during the two and a half years that I have spent being slowly tortured there. After putting us on the 'phones pretty much constantly last week, the Powers That Be have decided to "offer" overtime to the Advocates so that we can come in and work our overdue caseloads, and they're acting like this is the biggest damn favour they could give us in the entire fucking universe.
So, let me get this straight: you want us to come in on our God-given, much-needed day of rest, for a lousy time-and-a-quarter, which by the way actually works out at less than what we make in our normal forty-hour week once you take taxes and NI into account, to clear up a mess that you got us into in the first place? A mess that, by the way, we warned you would happen if you kept using us to answer the fucking telephones instead of doing the work you specifically trained us to do? The mess that you then told us you were "confident" would not arise if we "managed our caseloads effectively", while also managing to get in a cheap shot about our "negative attitudes" during the same briefing?
Because in case I was being too subtle for you, dearest House of Gas, that was both an "I told you so" and a "Kiss my ass, you stupid motherfuckers, I'm not coming in on my day off just because you screwed up." It's your fuck-up, you fix it. Or, here's a notion: take us off the fucking 'phones, you slack-jawed corporate-cock-sucking halfwits.
Goddamn assholes. |
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[Nov. 3rd, 2009|09:36 pm] |
Dudes, there are two new shows this season that I really want to hear about and none of you are talking about, and that displeases me. So, with immediate effect, everyone please start posting about White Collar and the Cult.
That is all. |
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[Nov. 2nd, 2009|09:29 pm] |
OH FUCK OFF HEROES! I don't even know why I watch you anymore, you Pasdarless piece of shit. Having ripped off pretty much everything it could from the 4400, it's moved on to stealing wholesale from both BSG and Carnivale, except for the part where all of those shows were actually good and had storylines that made sense and characters you gave a damn about. Seriously, they've even got Tommy Dolan playing Sampson- oh, I'm sorry, "Samuel" - and sir, you are no Micheal Anderson. Also mean imaginary friend Sylar is not as badass as Clancy Brown and House-of-Mirrors spends-most-of-an-episode-crying-like-a-big-gay-baby Sylar is about a hundred million times less lovely than Nick Stahl. So in conclusion, I hate everyone and I'm going to watch Carnivale.
I think they should start stealing from Deadwood and then Ian McShane could guest-star and systematically slit everyones throats before feeding them to Mister Wu's piggies. COCKSUCKERS! |
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[Oct. 27th, 2009|10:53 pm] |
OH DUDES. I just watched the Lost Boys 2, and while I am still all about the Shane/Chris love, now I am also a little bit about the Erik/Kyle love too. Mostly because of that scene where they're playing a video game and Erik starts cheating and when Kyle yells at him he's all like, "Stop crying! You, always with your crying!" so Kyle runs him through with a sword. I love it because it's like a really gruesome version of the brawls that the Brothers Froodle and I used to have growing up, except instead of penetrating each other with phallic objects, we would yank the game controller out and try to choke and/or whip each other with the leads.
I don't know if that makes us more deviant or less deviant than a bunch of X-TREME SPORTS vampires though. |
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[Oct. 25th, 2009|04:22 pm] |
Dudes, I have just seen not one but two of the most marvellous movies I had never heard of before this weekend: Weirdsville, in which a group of preppy Satantists get curb-stomped by a quartet of mace-wielding midgets in medieval battle gear, and Wasting Away, in which a talking severed head leads a group of zombie bowling enthusiasts on a quest to found the Undead Holy Land. Quotes of utter joy include "Oh, this is all my fault! If I had a body I wouldn't have fallen out of the damn truck!" "Do you think Mexican brains are spicy?" and "Brain margheritas?"
Also, for extra comedic value, the lead midget in Weirdsville is the same midget that got karate-chopped by Colin Farrell in In Bruges, and the severed head in Wasting Away is the dude who played the soldier that was completely in love with Colin Farrell's character in Tigerland.
Clearly this proves that Colin Farrell is at the epicentre of everything that is good and pure in this life. |
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[Oct. 23rd, 2009|09:28 pm] |
Dudes, I have just had the most EPIC idea about how Heroes can effectively attone for Nathangate - as with everything beautiful, it naturally involves Colin Farrell, debauchery and just a little bit of manly violence.
See, with Claude either dead or in hiding, and Adam... well, I don't want to talk about Adam, but let's just say he will not be around anymore... Heroes needs a new character to bring the UK-based snark for which we are so justly renowned. Enter Colin Farrell, reeling from whiskey and stinking of sex, to mortally offend/wound/sexify everyone he comes across.
His first act will be making Peter cry by dismissing his prophetic drawings as "rubbish by spastics," then following that up by headbutting Sylar when he tries to take his ability (which, by the way, is never actually revealed to the audience) breaking his nose and possibly done while yelling something along the lines of "Telekinesis? No, don't bother!"*
Having effectively demonstrated that even Claire's healing abilities are no match for Colin Farrell, our soon-to-be fan favourite then avails himself of Sylar's wallet, Watch of Evilness and any spare booze he might have on his person before putting the boot in a couple of times and fleeing into the night, while the world's lamest super-powered serial killer is curled up in fetal agony on the floor. At which point Mama Petrelli shows up and points out that which we have always known, that Sylar is such a disappointment that he really could be one of the Petrelli boys after all.
Anyway, while Daddy Bennet and the Haitian are dispatched to track down Colin and recruit him into the latest incarnation of the Company/the Initiative/the Brotherhood of Mutants/whatever, Sylar and Peter put aside their mutual animosity in order to form the We Hate Colin Farrell club, and pinky-swear to eradicate him from the world once and for all. Later, Bennet will join their quest when it emerges that Colin has seduced Claire, Lyle, Sandra, Mr Muggles, the Haitian and his horn-rimmed glasses, leaving him alone and unable to read small print in the world.
*In my book, sorry, someone comes at you with telekinesis, that is a deadly weapon, he's gotta take the consequences. That's almost as bad as knowing karate or trying to hit you with a bottle. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2009|08:42 pm] |
Just finished watching Desperate Romantics - I'm aware that some of the MASSIVE LIBERTIES taken with historical accuracy should be making me wince, but somehow Slutty Frockcoat-Wearing Mitchell makes me not care. Though I do think he could have beeen naked more often, and also if he could have seen his way clear to debauching the narrator dude - who was so clearly gagging for it - that would be even better. Come on Rossetti, put a little effort into it!
However, those slight criticisms aside, I do think that any series that ends with Aiden Turner gleefully robbing somebodys grave before scampering off into the night is quite beautiful despite any other failings it may have.
Also, oh my God, there is Twin Peaks slash. Did everyone know this but me? Best. Day. Ever. |
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[Oct. 21st, 2009|05:16 pm] |
DUDES! Sylar's real dad is Daddy Luthor? On the one hand: AWESOME, because a day without John Glover is like a day without beautiful unicorns made from cake, but on the other hand, this makes Sylar's frequent lameitude even more annoying - you'd think with BDL floating around in his gene pool, he'd manage to be a bit more badass than he usually is.
Oh, and speaking of how much Sylar fails, did anyone else want to slap him when he went off on one at Radioactive Boy over how he'd used Sylar as a way to get out of town? Seriously Sylar, get over yourself. You're getting a strop on about the fact that a sixteen year old boy used you for his own selfish ends without considering your feelings first? Are you in fact a grown man or a highschool girl with a broken heart? Write it in glitter-ink in your fucking locked diary and put some sparkly stickers around it, you twinkie.
Also, I kind of figured that Rebel would turn out to be Micah, but I was secretly hoping Heroes would go down an ATM with a Heart of Gold-type route and Not-Niki would end up being stalked by a bowtie-wearing robot named Mister Wilson who makes her sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for hours on end until beautiful Nathan saves her beautifully with his beauty.
Man, Nathan is so pretty. |
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[Oct. 20th, 2009|07:19 pm] |
Oh thank God, he's not a zombie.
Now I'm up to the part where Mohinder injects himself with a magical potion that gives him the ability to be butch. He even has sex with a lady! Okay, it's just Sylar's aggravating sloppy seconds from the season before, but still. Of course, now he's turning into some kind of melty dinosaur thingie, so that sucks. Poor Mohinder. Your attempts to use science to help you attain some level of socially acceptable masculinity have failed, and now not only are you still the seven year old girl you always were, now you're a seven year old girl who looks like a rejected Power Rangers baddie.
Also, ADAM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! |
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[Oct. 19th, 2009|09:42 pm] |
Okay dudes, first of all, I would like to point out that I am a little bit cross with everyone in the Heroes fandom for not having made a Sylar/Mohinder music video set to the song "A Little Priest" from Sweeney Todd. Because that would totally work, you guys!
Secondly, and still on the subject of Heroes, I have just started watching the third season and oh God, is Nathan a zombie? Is that where this is headed? Because he just woke up after dying on the operating table and he looks like crap. I don't think I want a zombie Pasdar; he's too pretty to have parts of him falling off all the time. |
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[Oct. 16th, 2009|10:50 am] |
...my heart is with the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today...
THLAYLI
2004 - 2009 |
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[Oct. 13th, 2009|11:10 pm] |
Did anyone else watch My Own Worst Enemy? Does anyone else kind of love it? Not only has Christian Slater finally got a role that requires him to look hot, kill people and then monologue snarkily about it (which is something he hasn't had a chance to do since around 1988) but it has Dudley Smith! Everything is automatically a thousand times better with Dudley Smith, especially when he's a bit dodgy and manipulative and questionably Irish.
Also Raymond. I love Raymond, he's so mean. I love how he is completely dismissive of Henry. Like Henry will wake up and ask a perfectly reasonable question like, "Why are we in Russia?" or "Why are dudes shooting at us?" and Raymond just rolls his eyes like Henry's the dumbest thing he's ever witnessed, and then Henry is all OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT MY NICE FRIEND TOM?! and Raymond is like SERIOUSLY I WILL SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FACE IF YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME LOSER! and Henry is all WAHH LIFE IS HARD NOW I WILL GO AND CRY IN A CORNER! and Raymond is all grouchy and snotty about it but he saves him anyway and dudes, it's pretty beautiful.
Supernatural is also slightly beautiful. I just watched the episode after Castiel comes back from getting a bollocking in Heaven about, well, basically about having become Dean's little gay angel bitch, let's face it, and Dean's all, OH MY GOD DO AS I SAY and Castiel's like OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME DEAN WINCHESTER! and then he storms out in a huff and Dean's just like, WTF DICKHEAD! and then in the end Castiel comes back and does exactly what Dean asked him to in the first place.
Oh Castiel. Dean is quite clearly the boss of you. |
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[Sep. 30th, 2009|09:48 pm] |
Fucking hell, I hate my job. Apparently, Lord o' Leeds Gas has decreed that all advocates (that's House of Gas speak for Helper Monkeys) will do a minimum of three hours 'phone time every day. That's three hours taking meter readings, producing bills and taking card payments. That's three hours of the House's supposedly best and brightest doing a job someone who's been there a month could do, instead of supporting said newcomers and all the other Phone Monkieys with complicated or confusing enquiries that we, the Helper Monkeys, have been specifically fucking trained for.
Of course, we're still supposed to do all our Helper Monkey cases at the same time, not to mention also being Quality Assessing Monkeys, Debt Reduction Champion Monkeys and Call Our Dillholiest Unsatisfied Customers Back Monkeys. And while I may have changed the titles, I'm not joking about having to do another three jobs besides being Helper Monkeys who only get five hours a day to actually help.
Then to add insult to injury, the Resources Monkeys have decided that,e ven when it gets quiet and all the Phone Monkeys get taken of the 'phones, Helper Monkeys will not. That's right, the Phone Monkeys, who have no other work to do, get to come off and look at AutoTrader for hours at a time, but the Helper Monkeys, the ones with the massive backlog of enquiries, can sit there and explain direct debits to our customers. Because that is an effective use of resources.
And what, when challenged on this, is the Resources Monkeys response? "It's a call centre. It's about bums on seats. Everyone has to take calls." Now there's a bit of logic that could only come from a team that spend all day with pivot charts and spreadsheets and no time out in the call centre, taking calls and actually dealing with the reality of life in customer service.
And when we take it further, what do we get? Apparently, we need to manage our time more effectively. Yes, this comes straight from the Lord o' Leeds Gas, our esteemed site manager, who "wants to know what the Helper Monkeys do all day." But rather than sit with a Helper Monkey for a day, or come to one of the Helper Monkey review meetings, or, and I may be talking crazy talk here, actually ask us, he delivers this little insult by proxy via the Helper Monkey Manager. Because the only thing more fun than being given a job to do and then not being given the time to do it, is being criticised for how you use that non-existant time and then insulted and having it implied that you're lazy by someone who's too much of a coward to say it to your face.
But our woes do not end there. Swine flu, holidays and the common goof-off have taken it's toll on our noble Helper Monkey ranks. As everyone struggles under the ever-increasing workload, Lead Helper Monkey decrees that we should put all new cases into a communal pot and allocate them out as he sees fit. Of course, nobody actually knows how to set that up, and despite what Lord o' Leeds Gas may think from his lofty vantage point with his head up his ass, we really don't have time to dick around figuring it out, so it's not going to happen.
Instead, Lead Helper Monkey asks that, at the end of each day, we send an email letting him know how many new cases we've had in that we haven't had time to raise processes for. To his credit, and a rare event in the House of Gas, this is quite a good idea - a Helper Monkey may have only five open processes on a Monday morning, but that doesn't mean twenty queries haven't come in over the weekend and are sitting in his inbox by the end of his shift.
Of course, the first day this gets implemented, everybody forgets to send this information to him. Lead Helper Monkey sends a perfectly polite email out the next day asking for this information. Helper Monkey Manager, or as she will henceforth be known in my mind, Cuntrag, sends out an incredibly abusive and excessively punctuated email wanting to know why we haven't done this??????!!!! how do you expect to work together if you can't even do this????!!!!???!! and why isn't the work being shared out?????!!!!!
Let me answer your question, Cuntrag. I didn't send out the email at the end of the day because a) I was taking calls for the last two hours, b) I am so swamped that I was endevouring, in the three second gaps between calls, to try and work some of my overdue cases, and c) OH MY GOD FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING IGNORANT BITCH! Learn some manners, learn proper respect for the exclaimation mark, and go throw yourself off a bridge.
As an extra-special treat, tonight I got the distinct pleasure of being screamed at for over an hour by an irate social worker over something I had absolutely no power to fix, and for an added bonus, the department whose fuck-up it was and who could have actually fixed it refused to take any responsibility for it. The outside contractor we needed, who would have taken ther instruction from a Reconnections Monkey, would give no aid to me, and the social worker is making the totally fair point that, having disconnected the electricity meter of a mentally ill double-amputee and then refusing to book a replacement job until a week later, the House of Gas would get reported to our Ombudsman, various charities and the media. At that point, I would have said we pretty much had it coming, but it still wouldn't get this guy reconnected.
So I email King Gas. And I copy in Lord o' Leeds Gas and of course my own Manager Monkey. The customer is going to email him anyway, and I figure an email from lowly me is better than opening his newspaper tomorrow to see the legend HOUSE OF GAS HATES DISABLED PEOPLE splashed across the front page.
Ten minutes later, my Manager Monkey is getting a lecture on chain of command from the Lord o' Leeds Gas. Apparently, after Manager Monkey was unable to resolve it, I should have directed the customer to write in to our complaints department. No doubt they would have responded in their usual 28 day time frame, by which time effigies of the Court of Gas are being burned in the streets and I get to spend even more of my day on the 'phones dealing with the backlash of public opinion. Because yes, some people will wait in a queue for forty minutes in order to tell you that they think the company you work for is despicable. Obviously these are the people that have never suffered the indignities of working for a company that occaisonally makes choices you don't agree with, probably becauser they are dole-bludging scum.
Fortunately, Manager Monkey is Scouse, and while I don't want to resort to cultural stereotyping, I don't think I'm out of line in saying that Scousers traditionally have a fair amount of common sense, and extremely limited bullshit tolerence. She points out that, yes, it has been escalated to her, and yes, we have spoken to the third party contractor (let's call them Ponstream) and yes, we essentially got a raspberry blown in our faces.
Of course, Lord o' Leeds Gas isn;t going to do anything so common as sort it out himself; no, instead he grudgingly tells Manager Monkey that she can use King Gas's name to force a response out of Ponstream. Then he tells her to "discuss appropriate escalation routes" with me, so that I never bother him with such petty concerns as customer service ever again.
No, Lord o' Leeds Gas. I think what you meant to say was, "Thank you, Froodle, for sparing the House of Gas a very public and unlubricated assfucking on GMTV. I am so glad you decided to show some fucking initiative. Maybe we had better put in a clearly defined escalation route for dealing with meter operators as well as within our own departments, since at the moment it seems these meter operators have free reign to ignore our customers and deliver bad service with impunity, leaving our unfortunate Phone Monkeys to face the wrath, while at the same time having absolutely no power to ask a meter operator to do anything."
I hate being a Helper Monkey. I worked so hard to get here, and in the end, all I have done is manage to fuck myself in the ass. And that is impressive for three reasons: one, I'm female so I don't have the equiptment to assfuck myself in the normal course of events, two, even a giy would have to be unusually limber and/or exceptionally well-hung to carry out an effective self-assfucking, and three, the House of Gas is also currently endevouring to fuck me in all three holes, so things are pretty crowded up there as it is. |
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[Sep. 29th, 2009|09:56 pm] |
It's meme time!
Based on my interests list, my tags page or just things I have talked about in my LJ, recommend five books, movies, bands or TV shows that I should try, and give me a brief overview and an explanation of why you think I'd like them. |
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[Sep. 27th, 2009|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | alexander, angel, buffy, christian slater, colin farrel, cynthia ettinger, firefly, heroes, jared leto, joss whedon, nick stahl | ] |
Oh man, you guys, I have just had my best idea ever! Having finally succumbed to my own suckiness, I have purchased the alledgedly "ultimate" edition of Alexander, and was disappointed to discover it contained no Colin Farrel/Jared Leto sex scenes, no dinosaurs, no lasers and no car chases. I mean, can you really call anything an "ultimate" version of something if there aren't even any car chases? Shame on you, Oliver Stone.
Anyway, while pondering the injustice of misleading Hollywood reissues, I sulked my way through an extra twenty minutes of Jared Leto and Colin Farrel not getting it on, and at last Ye Olde Anthony Hopkins appeared to tell me my pain was at an end, as signalled by a shot of a statue that looks nothing like The Colin. I sigh a sigh of bitterest disappointment while Anthony Hopkins and his beard witter on about "the greatest man I ever knew," blahblahblah historical boringcakes, and then I hear the words, "Mecha Alexandros".
And that's when it hit me. The key to a successful retelling of the Alexander legend is to set it in SPACE! Instead of Macedonian sheep herders, Alexander will be descended from the inventors of the first Mecha capable of space flight, but the evil Persian empire has long since co-opted the technology for their own nefarious purposes. Led by the dread king D3r1u5, the Persian empire assassinate King Phillip in a bid to subvert intergalactic patent laws relating to their new mechanical army. However, they have reckoned without the bravery of the young Prince Alexander and his snake-charming MILF, Queen Olympias.
Buccephelus will be Alexanders' fighter craft, who talks, and Nearchus will be a flamboyantly gay space pirate who is never seen without a bottle of mineral water in hand and insists on referring to Alexander and "Alexander the Fabulous". Hephaestion will take over the traditional "bitchy queen" role and largely be based on Cordelia Chase.
Obviously it would be super-awesome if we can get Jared Leto and Colin Farrel back, but on the offchance that they want nothing to do with this thing of beauty, I already have the new cast in line: Nick Stahl will play the role of Alexander, with Sean Maher playing Hephaestion. Christian Slater will be Philip, Cynthia Ettinger will be Olympias and the role of Nearchus will be ably filled by Zachary Quinto. IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG! |
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[Sep. 25th, 2009|12:21 am] |
Dudes, I have discovered the most beautiful book in the history of mankind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As you may infer from the title, it is literally Pride and Prejudice rewritten to include zombies. And, in a couple of instances, ninjas. And it is lovely! Colin Firth should totally return as Mr Darcy for the zombilicious TV version of it.
Mr Darcy: Vampyre, however, is as lame as the mere fact of spelling vampire with a Y would suggest. It's pretty much Twilight if you changed Cubehead and Insipid Twit's names to Darcy and Elizabeth.
Also, I saw the Dorian Grey film over the weekend and it was a bit disappointing and melodramatic. Firstly, Colin Firth is too good an actor for him to be cast alongside not-very-good actors (coughBenBarnescough) because he completely shows them up, and secondly the whole thing is totally serious and doesn't laugh at its own over-the-top absurdity or in fact be funny at all. It's literally like, OH MY GOD THE PAINTING MOVED! IT'S SO TERRIBLE! ARGH I AM SO SCARED! SURELY EVERYONE WILL BE TERRIFIED BY A PICTURE WITH MOVING EYES, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY HAVE SEEN ANY EPISODE OF SCOOBY DOO EVER! Whatever, Ben Barnes. Come back when you have actually learnt to express an emotion instead of standing around smiling like a gormless idiot.
I'm watching Carnivale now; man, Ben's family suck so much. Old Cherry Blossom Road is pretty much Carnivale does Deliverence, which is kind of ironic given that being forcibly sodomized by hillbillies is pretty much the only terrible thing that doesn't happen to poor Ben over the course of the series. "Squeal like a pig, Ben Hawkins!" There's got to be a special level of Hell for people who ass-rape the Avatar of Light.
And on that note, I watched Pulp Fiction at the weekend and what is the deal with hillbillies and anal violation? It's like, your recessive gene count gets to a certain level and all you can think about is corn-holing the next unsuspecting fool who passes through your derelict shanty town. |
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[Sep. 18th, 2009|12:31 am] |
OH MY GOD, I love Loretta so much. She is like, the best character to ever get knocked up on television in the history of mankind. She tries to start a bidding war for her baby! And Van and Pascal and Cheryl keep trying to get her to hold it and feed it and stuff and every time they're all watching wide-eyed waiting for her maternal instincts to kick in and she's just like, "Meh" and hands in back and they're like OH LORETTA WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL? and she's all, WHO KNOWS NOW I HAVE TO GO BURN SOME SHIT DOWN AND MAYBE FRAME MY FATHER FOR BANK ROBBERY!
Oh, which is also another reason I love her - the way her revenge is completely disproportionate to the slight against her. Like when Hayden dumps her, which is a bit mean, so she burns down his house, or her dad is a bit sneery about her ideas for CRIME, so she frames him for bank robbery and gets Jethro to help her but totally doesn't give him any money.
Oh, and speaking of Jethro, Antony Starr is kind of beautiful and lovely too. I love that bit where he's playing Jethro playing Van during the scene where he shags Cheri, so he's Jethro's take on Van and he's like, an extra-thick version of Van, and then every now and then he'll respond to something she says and he'll look away and smile this evil little Jethro smile before he turns back to look at her.
And oh, that bit where Wolf is in jail and he thinks it's Van who helped Loretta and of course Van doesn't know what he's talking about and Wolf gets mad and is all, "Tell me, you fucking retard!" and Van's face just freezes and Wolf looks horrified because their whole family is so careful not to say it and oh man, kicked puppies have looked less hurt and betrayed than Antony Starr in that scene.
In conclusion, Outrageous Fortune is beautiful, everyone should watch it and if you don't, you suck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|10:38 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | alexander, american psycho, antonio banderas, batbale, black sheep, blood ties, christian bale, colin farrel, david boreanaz, jared leto, johnny depp, moonlight, my so-called life, outrageous fortune, snithy, supernatural, the dave, the tribe, true blood, vampires yay, werewolves yay, zombies | ] |
Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.
Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.
I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:
- My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
- American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
- Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.
So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:
- No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
- No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
- No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.
Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!
*Michelle Ang, however, cannot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|09:19 pm] |
You know what's awesome? The Thief Lord. I just wanted to come on and say that because I feel people need to be writing me some Scipio/Prosper porn right about now.
Stardust is also quite awesome. You don't need to write me porn for that, though if you wanted to, I guess it would be okay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|12:47 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, antonio banderas, buffy, bully, carnivale, heathers, highlander, i hate bugs, interview with a vampire, jason issacs, johnny depp, joss whedon, larry clark, nick stahl, ouatim, peter pan, shitty movies i hate, snithy, the lair, vampires yay | ] |
Oh dudes, I am watching the Buffy movie for the first time in like, ten years (seriously, the last time I watched it I still lived at home and it was on TV) and it's so random and campy and beautiful and it's totally making me want to watch the TV series again even though I just watched all of it* like a month ago. Like when they're interviewing kids at the end and that one guy is all, "They had fangs and they were biting people and their eyes were totally dead - I think they were Young Republicans" and that part where Buffy steals the dude's bike and he's like, "Skank! You're a dyke! I'm going to tell the world!" or the fact that her friends are totally Heathers and the one guy who is still dying even after the end credits and it's so beautiful.
Also, this massive spider just ran across my floor and I was so busy giggling about the Buffy movie that I dropped a book on it before I even had a chance to freak out. Yes, it is that good!
Also I watched Interview with the Vampire today and oh my God, how much is the making of Claudia like, the vampire equivilent of deliberately getting knocked up in order to trap a dude into a relationship? She's like a three foot high walking piece of emotional blackmail. Andandand that bit where she tells Louis that she wants to leave and he's all whiny and like, "No that will never happen MY LIFE IS MISERY AND DESPAIR!" and she makes this awesome "get over yourself" face that makes me laugh and which is made even funnier by the fact that she's like seven years old, and that bit where she tells Lestat she has a present for him and he's all, "Then I hope it's a hot babe with boobies which you will never have!" and I'm like OH TOTAL BURN because nothing is worse than the "you'll never be a wo/man!" burn (see also: Kenny from Highlander or Peter Pan in that awesome movie where Jason Isaacs was Hook).
ALSO! Snithy, you should totally have let me show you Bully this weekend - it had male strippers, but they were young and sleek and, if not actually attractive, at least not eye-gougingly hideous and Clivelike. Also, naked Nick Stahl! Being naked and totally mean and punching people for no good reason! Nick Stahl is surely one of the most under-rated beautiful men of our time.
Then again, Bully was actually good so you probably would have had an allergic reaction to it seeing as you only like things that suck in the not-good way, Mrs "Carnivale and OUATIM and the 4400 are crap oh wait let me watch two seasons of the Lair and give us both brain damage!"
Man, you know that fuckwad who created Kidulthood, and all those other even bigger fuckwads who went on about how great it was, when in fact it was a shitty movie about a bunch of dumbass chavs doing dumbass chav things and not getting sterilized and/or shot down like rabid dogs which is really what needed to happen, both in the film and in real life? It would be so great if Larry Clark could give those people lessons in how to make movies about young people that are dark and true and also don't totally fucking suck.
*And by "all of it", what I actually mean is "the first three seasons because I try to pretend everything after Graduation Day didn't happen." |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|02:01 am] |
I would just like to point out that, although I do in fact own the Lair, I did not force anyone to sit there and watch it for ten fucking hours, so Snithy, how about you just admit that you loved it as much as Zac Efron loves cock and go and buy Dante's Cove like the no-taste-having failotron you are?
(For the record though, the Lair is a little bit beautiful. It definately needs hotter actors - when the best looking guy is the random newspaper bunny who doesn't even show up until season two, you've got casting problems - but Colin is fucking awesome when he stops trying to be a villian and just concentrates on being, well, basically Mark from Ugly Betty if Mark was a not-very-scary vampire witch who worked in a not-very-good sex club. Also when he gets staked, he explodes into glitter. I bet Damien doesn't fucking glitter. He just sits behind the wall and cries like the big gay baby he is.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|09:51 pm] |
OH MY GOD THE JOY! The first wave of Halloween stuff is out already. ASDA are being totally lame and still have all their back-to-school shit in, as if stupid school is as important as Halloween, but TK Maxx are off to a flying start. They had these supercute snowglobes that play "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" (I got the skeleton couple in the car, the skeleton undertaker driving a hearse and the haunted tree with ghosts in it) and this awesome haunted house tealight holder that is black and made from tin and has crenelations on the roof. Crenelations, dudes! That means added spookiness!
There were also scary mummies in coffins (we'll leave aside the fact that mummies don't live in coffins for the moment) and a voodoo dude in a tophat who was all big and had a bowl for putting sweets in, but I didn't get him because he was big and I had to walk home, and a lot of glittery things or things with spiders that I didn't like, but dude, Halloween stuff. In August! Yay!
Also, I bought this completely made-of-win spooky soundtrack from Poundland that is just howling wind with like, occaisonal crow caws and wolves holwing in the distance. This is super-important because most Halloween soundtracks totally overdo it and have fake-ass screaming and creaky doors and what I assume are supposed to be scared panting noises but really are more like porn sound effects.
Hah, and when I was in TK Maxx, there were these little kids asking their mum if they could buy some of the stuff, and she was all like, "Wahh, no, it's too far away and I am mean and want my children to suffer!" and then I came along and bought things and they were all, "But that lady's buying things!" and she was like, *glare* and her kids were like, *sad cries* and I was like, that's right kids, I can have Halloween whenever I want and you can't, because your mummy doesn't love you! Mwahaha!
Also, I was randomly given some champagne at work today. It doesn't mean the day didn't still suck, but it sucked slightly less than it would have done if nobody had given me a bottle of champagne. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, american gothic, angel, buffy, carnivale, cornelia funke, eerie indiana, escaflowne, job of doom, joss whedon, meme, numb3rs, the tribe, thief lord | ] |
Dudes, I just saw the last episode of the Tribe and really, how fucking stupid do you have to be not to realise that an AI with the combined personalities of a dead sociopath and a live megalomaniac is going to wind up going SkyNet all over the place? What an idiot!
Man, I so want a Zoot AI of my own now. Especially if I could put it on the PCs at work and have it smile creepily every time someone tried to ask me an inane question. Which would actually be all the time. Maybe if someone asked me a non-retarded question, he'd Vogue.
And now, meme answers!
Scheherezhad wanted to know my top five Eerie moments:
1: The scene in the Hole in the Head Gang where Simon and Mars see the fake ghost head for the first time, and Mars is like ARRRRRGGGHHHH-*takes picture*-AARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
2: The scene in Scariest Home Movies where Harley steps on the female leads' dress and it rips and you see her knickers and then he turns and waggles his eyebrows suggestively at the audience - is there anything funnier than a pervy six year old?
3: The scene in Who's Who where Simon tells Sarah Sue-Bob that she should try telling her family how she feels, and Sarah Sue-Bob says that she hopes "this isn't some New Age peaceful thing that will backfire on me," and then it does!
4: Dash and Mars' almost-kiss in the alley behind the Loyal Order of Corn. Yes it was, shut the fuck up.
5: The Foreverware Wave.
Chibimarchy wanted to know my top five canon or fanom pairings from any fandom:
Canon pairings:
1: Buffy and Angel (BtVS/Angel) I swear, I will be like sixty and watching it on the DVD player surgically grafted onto my face as I zoom around the Moon Station with my personal jetpack, and I will still be crying over that scene at the end of season three where he shows up to take her to the prom. And then I'll probably crash into a satellite because I can't see where I'm going through the tears.
2: Van and Hitomi (Escaflowne) Even though in the end Hitomi chose indoor plumbing and electricty over young love and an early death from cholera due to Fanelia's appalling lack of infrastructure, I got a bit choked up during that scene where she decides to go back to him and as she's running on the track, he appears on the Escaflowne in a pillar of light and he's about to speak and she just throws herself into his arms. Having said that, I also quite liked the scene in Operation: Golden Rule of Love where he was trying to tell her how he felt and he ended up saying he wanted her powers instead and she bitchslapped him.
3: Rita Sue and Jonesy (Carnivale) That first time, where she takes off his brace, was so bitter-sweet and beautiful, and afterwards they were so hot and heavy together, the way they couldn't keep their hands off each other - Rita Sue is so jaded and worldly when it comes to sex and love and marriage, so having her fall for Jonesy that hard made it all the more meaningful. And of course all the more heartbreaking when he broke it off.
4: Jack and Ellie (the Tribe) I just think they're adorable together - like when he renames their newspaper the Amulet and she says he's beautiful, or the conversation with the walkie-talkies where neither of them want to hang up - and that scene where you find out that it's Ellie sending Ebony all the death threats, because she blames her forJack being taken, and Ebony gets her trademark sass on and Ellie just lunges for her and Ebony's like OMGWTF and even Techno Ranger almost manages an expression.
5: Lucas and Selina (American Gothic) Because... because they're Lucas and Selina, come on, like I even have to explain that!
Fanon pairings:
1: Jordan/Shawn (4400) Because the debauching of underage boys by morally ambiguous, totally hot, beard-having Messiah figures is awesome.
2: Bray/Lex (the Tribe) Because alpha-male power struggles are also awesome, especially if one party habitually wears a lot of leather and eyeliner, and especially-specially if it tends to devolve into homoerotic wrestling matches.
3: Scipio/Prosper (the Thief Lord) Because underage boylove in Venice? Yes, that too is awesome.
4: Mars/Dash (Eerie Indiana) As above, but in Indiana.
5: Colby/Charlie (Numb3rs) Because... dude, look at them! That's why!
itsjustc wanted to know my top five Tribe characters:
1: Jack
2: Lex
3: KC
4: Ebony
5: Bray |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2009|12:36 am] |
Ask me my fannish Top 5 [Whatevers]. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! And I will answer them all in a new post.
Also, I am now watching the fourth season of the Tribe, which is also known as "the season I barely remember because Ram makes me sick and also where is Bray and Jack and KC and pretty much everyone I love except Lex," and although Ram does still make me sick, I totally love the way he plays Jay.
Obviously at some point Jay is going to realise he's completely bug-fuck crazy (and not in an awesome way like Big G, but in an annoying latex-glove-wearing stupid-fake-high-fiving of the Littlest Shithead way) and turn against him, but at the moment, any time Jay gets uppity about the questionable morality of something Ram's doing, Ram totally exploits Jay's uncomfortableness about the wheelchair and his guilt about being whole and healthy, and then Ram's all like, "Oh i need you Jay, we're still friends aren't we?" and Jay's like, "No, we totally are, slavery and experimentation on human beings is awesome yay!" and Ram's like, "Sucker!"
Also, OH MY GOD VED SHUT UP! He dies, right? Please tell me he dies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|09:16 pm] |
Blargh! i have been off work the last two days with an ear infection and it is utterly horrible. Not being off work, obviously, although given the choice I would prefer to save my sick days for times I don't feel so awful, but the ear infection part of it. I get them a lot, so I pretty much know what to expect, but that doesn't make it less shitty.
So, I'm sat here trying to eat this bowl of cereal, because I'm starving but also kind of nauseous from the pain in my head, and I'm watching Power Rangers (because I've finished the third season of the Tribe and damn it, I'm ill, I deserve more Dwayne Cameron!) and you know, off your face with pain and exhaustion and sleeping pills that don't fucking work for moer than an hour at a time, it becomes strangely compelling. Dwayne Cameron will now be known as Pretty Soldier Sailor Bray for the rest of his days, due to his excessively sparkly transformation sequence. No kidding, it's approximately 98% more sparkly than any of the other Rangers. He even does the Sailor Mercury staff-twirly-around thing.
There was something else I came on here to say, but I can't remember what it was. Pretty Soldier Sailor Bray and Falcor should totally team up though. FALCOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Oh my God, I am so out of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2009|11:27 am] |
Hee! I just watched that episode of season three where Bray, Lex and Ebony see a puppet show slagging them off and they get all cranky and hijack it and stage their own version and it was so marvellous, I just had to recap it all here in it's cracktastic beauty:
( The Tribe, Season 3, Episode 23 ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2009|12:57 am] |
Oh no. Oh KC. Oh, say it isn't so! KC becomes the latest Tribe alumni to go the Way of the Ranger.
Seriously, I am totally not ready for the thought of KC in spandex. I feel entirely dirty just thinking about it. I'm going to bed!
ETA: Oh God look at him he's really attractive! What's wrong with me?! I'm going to Hell! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2009|11:28 pm] |
Oh guys, am I the only one who finds the whole Lex/KC thing completely adorable? I don't mean as a pairing - although probably if KC had still been on the show when puberty hit, it would have gone that way - but the whole vibe the two of them have.
I love KC. I want to take him home and feed him cookies and then get mad when he steals my shitty Poundland batteries out of the utensil drawer. I like how he makes up random origin stories about growing up in a home or having an abusive dad or losing all his stuff in a fire purely to get his own way. I like the fact that after he helps save Dal and Sasha from slavery and the rioting starts, he stays around to nick stuff before heading back to the mall. I love the way he helps out Jack with the wind turbine after Dal leaves, and how he helps out after Jack breaks his leg, even though eventually he gets pissed off and ends up slipping Jack sleeping pills to keep him quiet. I like how he's portrayed as this just-out-for-himself Artful Dodger character, but he waits on at Ryan and Salene's honeymoon in Venice.
I love how he's ready to take the blame for stealing the water in Lex's place (I kind of a little bit hated Lex in that episode, but they didn't throw KC out for it, so that was okay) and how he goes to him after Zan takes him out of isolation in the mall. I love how he tries to look out for Zandra when Lex is busy dying from the Virus. I love how he climbs up to the balcony and kicks Top Hat in the nuts in that one episode, even though he's frightened to the point of tears. I love that bit at the end of season one where Lex says he and Zandra are leaving and KC wants to go with them, and Lex is all mean and sarcastic about it and KC looks utterly crushed. I love how, after Lex and Bray had their first knock-down drag-out, he insisted that Lex had won despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and that he stormed out of the cafe when Ebony told him he was wrong, and how he's all proud and boasty after Lex rescues Alice from that (by the way, completely lame and unconvincing) collapsed barn.
I like how, when Lex is all drunk and crazy, KC keeps stopping by to keep him company, even though all that happens is that Lex yells at him a lot. I like how Lex steals all his gambling proceeds and KC still cuts him in on all his deals, and how he's totally gleeful when Lex says he'll take him fishing, even though it's a totally hollow promise. I like that bit where everyone keeps telling him to do something useful and then yelling at him for doing it wrong, and then he goes and asks Lex for a job and Lex tells him to "go steal me something," and then he goes off to do just that.
In short, I think KC is marvellous and lovely and there should totally be more love for him. That is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|06:20 pm] |
Hee! I'm watching that episode now where all the guys get wasted at Lex's bachelor party and Jack is teasing him about how he's not going to be able to go off whoring anymore (which, really Jack? Really?) and then they start talking about Ebony and there's this pause where they all stare off into the distance and smirk - even Sasha, which gives me concern over his probable proclivities - and then all drink a toast to Ebony and it's awesome and beautiful and I love it.
Now they're having drunken roller-blade races and Bray is trying to make Sasha have a go on his skateboard. Sasha's like, "Ummm... no," and Bray is getting all mocky and Sasha's like, "Oh, I'm really sorry to disappoint you, I guess I'll just go have really loud obnoxious sex with Amber now!" and Bray's like, *sad cries*. Hee! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|10:29 pm] |
Dudes, I'm starting to think I was wrong in my assumption that living an indoor life causes bunnies to lose their inborn survival instincts.
Illustration: I get up this morning, full up with the usual mixture of misery wrapped in rage with a sprinkling of despair on top that is my workaday mindset. The "low battery" light on my 'phone is beeping. "Shit," I think, "I cannot go a whole day without sending someone vitriolic text messages about how much I hate the people I work with." I go to pick up the charger... and it's been chewed clean through.
I know right away that Kagame is the guilty party. For one, she's the only one big enough to jump out of the cage - in fact she woke me up at four am doing just that. And two, she has developed a fondness for phone chargers since this is the second time she's done it in less than four weeks.
I'm enraged. I'm so enraged that on my lunch break, which was forty-five sweaty minutes running around town trying to find a replacement charger, I actually yell at the pair of fucking elephants that insist on waddling side by side down the street, taking up the entire pavement and forcing me to walk on the road. Not that it does anything, of course - they're still fat selfish fucktards and no doubt they're waddling two abreast back from the takeaway right now and forcing some other poor bastard to walk in the path of oncoming traffic.
By the time I come home, my mind is made up - Kagame has to go. I'm too poor and vile-tempered to keep a pet that continually destroys my things. As I'm sweeping the floor of the pen, part of me is composing the post I'll put on rabbit rescue to secure her a new home. The other half is considering just dumping her outside the back door and letting the Lumberjack Cat and the Cat With The Pointy Face have her.
I kneel to sweep the litter into the dustpan. Thlayli and Fluffi-Wan, who have been eyeing me nervously since I stormed into the house, continue to maintain a careful distance.
But Kagame comes up to me and starts licking my legs.
So it turns out rabbits don't lose their survival instincts when they live indoors - they evolve methods more appropriate for the situation, such as avoiding being thrown from a window by your furious and now even broker than usual owner. Of course, a cynical person would point out that I spent the day in a huge glass office where the air conditioning is broken and there's a computer every seven inches, which lends credence to the position that call centre work is merely a Westernised version of the sweat shop, and therefore Kagame just wanted the salt on my skin, but I prefer to think of it as a gesture for attonement.
That being said, does anyone in the Leeds area want a rabbit? |
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[Aug. 5th, 2009|09:23 pm] |
GROSS! I was coming home tonight, and I'd just come into the little driveway/parking lot thingie in front of my house, and this dude is just driving out, and he stops and smiles at me out the window, so I sort of smile back in that "I'm polite and friendly but also terribly busy and distracted so don't try to engage me in conversation, random person" way that I do, and he's all like, "You don't remember me, do you?" So I'm all, umm... and he tells me he used to deliver my groceries from ASDA* and I'm like, oh, and he's like, "Yeah, I used to really fancy you," and I'm like, slightly more uncomfortable oh, and then, THEN! He says, "Well, aren't you going to invite me in for a coffee?"
Because, what, ten hours in a job I hate isn't enough misery for one day? I want to compound my pain by letting some deviant rape me in my own home? And even if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and not just assume he's a creepy rapist, what man is stupid enough not to realise that any woman you say that to is instantly going to automatically think that you're a creepy rapist?
The moral of this story is, people need to stop acting like creepy rapists!
*And dudes, I'm not being stuck up because I too work in a low-paying monkey-level job, but who the fuck remembers someone you see for ten minutes once a month? |
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[Aug. 4th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
So I'm watching the Tribe, and there's this one scene that's really bothering me.* It's that scene where Trudy goes into labour and Amber asks the kids to get some clean rags and they come back with Zandra's patchwork blanket and say it's all they can find, and I'm like, really? Because, aren't they in a homewares shop, with all the beds and sofas and stuff?
And I really doubt that when the Locos and the Demon Dogs were marauding across the city, Zoot was all like, "And loot me some 2K thread count Egyptian cotton sheets!" and then some poor Loco came back with Percale and Zoot threw a hissy fit and had them thrown off a roof or something and then Trudy was all, "Okay, I've just realised you're totally fucking mental!" and left and that was the real story of how Percale sheets made Martin evil and Bray made up the whole thing about their dead parents being the trigger because he thought the truth made Martin sound kind of gay.
*Actually, a lot about it is really bothering me, not least of all my overwhelming shame at watching the Tribe in the first place, but never mind |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2009|10:50 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | angel, blood ties, buffy, david boreanaz, edward cullen is a big gay baby, joss whedon, keiffer sutherland, moonlight, the dave, the lost boys, true blood, vampires yay | ] |
Dudes, I would just like to point out that if there was some kind of big vampire convention and all the fictional vampires got invited, Edward Cullen would not be allowed to sit at the Awesome Table. In fact, he wouldn't even get a table. He would have to sit huddled in the corner where the rising damp is, with the other rejects like Mick from Moonlight and Henry from Blood Ties. And all the vampires at the Awesome Table like Angelus and Eric and David would laugh at them and make mocking and hurtful remarks and possibly throw things. |
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[Jul. 28th, 2009|10:44 pm] |
Oh dudes, sometimes I am just so dumb I want to stab myself a bunch of times. Even in the midst of a squeefest, I am a little bit disgusted with myself over how excessively gleeful I got when I read this.
Butbutbut it's the Lost Boys, and it's always going to be a bit beautiful even when it isn't, and I want more of it and also why is there still not any Shane/Chris porn from the second movie? Boo!
In other news, at the end of this week my manager is leaving our team in order to work for another part of the House of Gas. I am kind of... insanely gutted by this fact, partly because it's pretty rare for me to genuinely like anyone I meet, ever, and I sort of almost nearly like him, but more importantly because this is only the second time in my entire working life that I've been managed by someone I actually respected, as opposed to someone I just pretended to respect because the alternative was being honest enough to inform them that I regard their existance as an affront to Darwinism and thus getting fired, although I have done that once and it was totally worth it at the time. But anyway, wahh! |
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[Jul. 24th, 2009|11:11 pm] |
Wah! I was trying to watch Eerie, Indiana today and my DVDs are totally wrecked and skippy. I'm so gutted! So then I tried to get over it by watching Hocus pocus, but it was not the same at all.
Anyway, now I'm watching the latest episodes of True Blood and oh my God, how much does Steve Newlin want to bone Jason? And Jason's all, yes, this is what God's love feels like, and I'm like, dude, no, that is what having your balls cupped by a religious insaniac feels like, and also, run away! Poor Jason. I love him. And he wears a clip-on, aww! So stylin'!
Also, Eric! "Do I have blood in my hair?" for the win! And ( SPOILER FOR THE START OF SEASON TWO ) yay! And Admiral Cain is in it, and she's totally awesome and terrifying and makes everyone crazy, and Sam is almost not-hatable. Yay!
On a completely seperate note, I think I have accidently turned my bunnies into junkies. See, Kagame keeps jumping out of her pen at night and running around knocking shit over and making a ton of noise, so lately I've started steeping a little valerian root in hot water and putting it in their drinking bottle in an attempt to get her to chill the fuck out. And they are definately more sedate, which is what I was going for, but now they drink like a litre and a half a day and they go really crazy everytime I fit a fresh bottle, like totally wrestling each other to get to it.
I should probably feel bad, but whatever, at least now I can sleep through the night and not have two stone of rabbit pile-drive me awake around 3am. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2009|11:54 pm] |
So, no thanks to you bunch of losers, I managed to find out what the deal with slutty frockcoat-wearing Mitchell was - it's a TV adaptation of Desperate Romantics, a book which, by the way, totally does not feature enough Romantic-era debauchery for my liking.
But anyway, I got hold of the first episode, and oh my God, he's so slutty! I want to cover him in butter, put him between two slices of bread and make him into a slut sandwich. He will taste like pure, unadulterated pretty. |
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[Jul. 21st, 2009|09:56 pm] |
Dudes! So I was skimming the Metro this morning and there was a picture of Mitchell. And he was wearing a frockcoat and looking slutty! But I got distracted and put the paper down and forgot about it and now I don't know what it was about and googling "slutty frockcoat mitchell" isn't yielding any kind of useful results.
Please tell me! What is the import of slutty, frockcoat-wearing Mitchell? Should I be excited? Is this some kind of Being Human spin-off that covers his bad vamp days, when he and Herrick rampaged across the landscape like a really sick-and-wrong buddy movie?
Because I would totally watch that. |
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[Jul. 21st, 2009|12:23 am] |
GAYEST NINJAS EVER! Oh my fucking God, why is there not more Being Human? Like, right now. I need it! I'm trying to watch Mad Men and I can't even lust after YoSaffBridge properly because I'm getting cranky that there is no flaily werewolf action. Jon Hamm would be an awesome werewolf, but he wouldn't flail. Probably. He'd just be morose and sad and then randomly fucking punch you in your face!
Also on the subject of Mad Men, I am so glad Brickhead gave her baby away. Can you imagine how ugly the child of her and Connor would be? Seriously. It would in fact be Sloth. Gross.
Dude. Don. Quit looking into your drink all sad-like and do some flailing. Your handsome face no longer pleases me. |
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[Jul. 19th, 2009|10:16 pm] |
Dudes, how did Herrick ever get made a vampire? He totally has no neck. Seriously, he is like, George Lucas and Elijah Wood levels of necklessness. What did they bite?
Also, I want to get a soundbite of George saying "Oh, and it's one E in paedo, not two, you cretins!" and make it the sound for text messages on my phone. Because that line is SO MUCH WIN. Close runner-ups were "I'm not the pervert, that's my housemate. And actually, he's not a pervert either" and "Who keeps their rotten tomatoes? Who looks in their salad cooler, sees their tomatoes are on the turn and thinks 'oh no, no I'll hang on to those in case some paedos move in opposite'?", but I think maximum win goes to being targeted by an angry mob of neighbours for being a child-molester and still caring about correct spelling. |
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[Jul. 18th, 2009|06:28 pm] |
Dudes, Being Human is completely awesome. The show, I mean, not actually being human, because as I have said previously, that's actually a bit rub. But anyway, oh my God, George! I love him! He is my favouritest werewolf of all the werewolves throughout the recorded history of time! He's so shrill and flaily and random.
Annie and Mitchell are also good. Evil Fiance Owen is good in the sense that he is horrifying and evil. Herrick is not good, because he's like a poor mans' Holland Manners, who in turn was a bargain basement version of the Mayor. But mostly GEORGE! Oh, he is so wonderful. I hope it runs for millions of years and I never get bored or snarky about it and they never introduce lame plots where, FOR EXAMPLE, Lauren turns up with Mitchell's baby whose arrival was foretold by prophecy and who has the power to RUIN EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD ABOUT THE SHOW EVER AND GENERALLY WHINE AND HAVE A STUPID FUCKING FACE.
Oh God Vincent Kartheiser, I fucking hate you. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2009|11:22 pm] |
Well, Buzz Lighthair of Ron Smiths Command's adventure in skydiving ended almost before it began. Turns out a perforated eardrum obtained during a brawl in a parking lot has left him succeptable to changes in atmospheric pressure, so on his second time down he blacked out and started bleeding from his nose and ears.
I shouldn't laugh, because obviously blood coming out of your ears = serious, but I can't help it. This is pretty much exactly what Brother Jonathan predicted would happen if Ben went up too high - of course, the way he phrased it was more along the lines of "I bet his massive head explodes" and came between my betting he wouldn't get to jump because his giant head wouldn't fit through the doors of the plane and Wilhelm suggesting that he employ a second parachute to support hisoversized cranium.
Anyway, apart from that, today was another day of train-related "joy" - and I use sarcastic quote marks - involving a six mile an hour ride in a dining car from Grossmont to Pickering while being forced to eat some truly undelicious food. Seriously, I would swallow my own head right about now, I am so hungry. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|08:26 pm] |
Well, we didn't have to go to the Pig Show thing, thank God. I only like pigs if they are used to eat up human remains, and then only if they are in the care of a Chinese dude whose knowledge of the English language consists solely of the word "cocksucker".
So we went to York instead and walked around the National Railway Museum for about a hundred and forty years (I am totally not kidding, I'm pretty sure I died of old age twice while I was in there) and then we went "shopping," which pretty much means Mama Froodle dragged me around these ludicrously expensive and for the most part entirely ugly clothing stores and wittered at me about getting "a nice pair of flatties" and "some glamorous tops" - I should note at this point that to my mother, glamour equates to shoulder pads and sequins - and Papa Froodle jibbed on about getting me a digital camera, while I tried in vain to point out that books and DVDs and nice things from Lush, or, if we're talking big-ticket items, a sofa that is not held together with scotch tape and the Will of God, would be much more welcome.
Dudes, do anyone elses parents do that? Like, totally ignore what you actually want and what would actually be useful to you, and buy you random shit because they think you should want it, even after you've explained that you don't and in fact, have no use for it? Is this a normal parental thing or are my folks total freaks?
Anyway, we went to ASK for lunch, which was nice, although they felt compelled to lecture the waiter about how much better the Isle of Man is than England (LIE!) and then to Betty's for tea, and I got some China Rose Petal tea in a tin which was awesome, and then we came home.
In a little bit I might go and wash my face and then see if I feel like going to see the new Harry Potter movie - I kind of actually don't care at all about Harry Potter now, but the Froodle Brothers have abandoned me to go sky-diving and I fear the alternative is an evening with the parental units trying to explain that no, "I would like to watch Battlestar Galactica in peace" is not code for "Feel free to change the channel to that stupid cycling thing," failing, and then shoving them off the balcony in a fit of temper. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|09:01 am] |
New John Connolly book, oh my God, the awesomeness! If you have not read it, you must do so at once or risk being eaten by sharks. Vampire sharks. Vampire zombie sharks. Wearing hats!
Also he is doing a signing in Borders this Friday FTW! Tune in that night to hear me squeeing and giggling and generally acting fangirly.
Also, those Charlaine Harris books are a bit lame, yet oddly compelling. I'm aware they're pretty much vampire bodice rippers, but I care not!
ETA: Oh my God, save me dudes! Papa Froodle wants us to go to the Great Yorkshire Argricultural Show today. He's just been on the website reading aloud details of such enticing activities as a "cattle parade" and a "pig of the year" competition. I mean, we're from the Isle of Man, you'd think that he'd had enough farming-related delights in his lifetime. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2009|10:30 am] |
Well dudes, I am writing this on a windy Sunday morning, sitting on a penthouse balcony overlooking all of Leeds and fighting the urge - no doubt caused by having watched the Goonies at a tender age - to make puking noises and then pour some gross shit over the people walking below me.
The Family von Froodle has descended upon Yorkshire and rather than make an ill-advised attempt to cram more than one person and three rabbits into my homey hovel, we have rented a top-floor apartment in the Chambers in Park Place.
And dudes, it is epic. When you walk in, the foyer is all marblelicious and there's "tasteful" displays of modern art in all the alcoves (note: these are not alcoves suitable for hidin' when employed in the killin' of dudes, these are alcoves for the tasteful displayin' of tasteful modern art) and there's a twenty-four hour concierge service and, dudes, if you want a DVD or some groceries or whatever, you just ring down to reception and they go and get it for you! How awesome is that!
And the apartment itself is even more awesome - it's got floor to ceiling windows on all the outside walls, and a balcony that runs all the way around and has blue spotlights in the floor that you can turn on at night, and sliding doors in each room that open on to the balcony and one of those jzacuzzi-baths and hardwood floors and lights in the wardrobe that come on when you open the door and a TV in the bathroom.
And oh, my God, the TVs! They are so big, I think they are giving me AIDS. AIDS causes you to want to steal stuff, right? I was watching SGA last night (on DVD, but it was my DVD that I brought with me, not a DVD I randomly made the reception dude run out and get for me because that would make me feel uncomfortable and jerklike) and, okay, Joe Flannigan and Major Lorne are beautiful even on my small old-school piece of shit TV, but in 40-inch hi-def with surround sound, their combined beauty is enough to melt your face.
I always make fun of James for working ridiculously long hours, figuring that nothing could make a seventy-hour week worthwhile, but when I see this place, how some people live, I can understand it a little bit better. Don't get me wrong, my character flaws are such that I am a lot more lazy than I am materialistic, but I do get it a bit now.
Anyway, we went to see Dreamboats and Petticoats on Friday and it was marvellous - it's about this dude who enters a song-writing competition, and his writing partner is in love with him, only he is in love with this slutty hot chick, who is in love with this slutty hot guy who, and this is the most important thing, was played by a total bargin basement Jensen Ackles. And it was all set in the fifties and there were awesome old-school rock and roll songs and those beautiful circle dresses and it was made of win. And! Nobody even died or exploded or shot some dudes, and I still loved it, so that should tell you how great it was.
Anyway, Mama Froodle just got out of the shower so I'm going to put the laptop aside and go see what the plan is for the rest of the day. Later days! |
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