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"...I do not peddle flesh; I sell dreams..."
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[Aug. 17th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, american gothic, angel, buffy, carnivale, cornelia funke, eerie indiana, escaflowne, job of doom, joss whedon, meme, numb3rs, the tribe, thief lord | ] |
Dudes, I just saw the last episode of the Tribe and really, how fucking stupid do you have to be not to realise that an AI with the combined personalities of a dead sociopath and a live megalomaniac is going to wind up going SkyNet all over the place? What an idiot!
Man, I so want a Zoot AI of my own now. Especially if I could put it on the PCs at work and have it smile creepily every time someone tried to ask me an inane question. Which would actually be all the time. Maybe if someone asked me a non-retarded question, he'd Vogue.
And now, meme answers!
Scheherezhad wanted to know my top five Eerie moments:
1: The scene in the Hole in the Head Gang where Simon and Mars see the fake ghost head for the first time, and Mars is like ARRRRRGGGHHHH-*takes picture*-AARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
2: The scene in Scariest Home Movies where Harley steps on the female leads' dress and it rips and you see her knickers and then he turns and waggles his eyebrows suggestively at the audience - is there anything funnier than a pervy six year old?
3: The scene in Who's Who where Simon tells Sarah Sue-Bob that she should try telling her family how she feels, and Sarah Sue-Bob says that she hopes "this isn't some New Age peaceful thing that will backfire on me," and then it does!
4: Dash and Mars' almost-kiss in the alley behind the Loyal Order of Corn. Yes it was, shut the fuck up.
5: The Foreverware Wave.
Chibimarchy wanted to know my top five canon or fanom pairings from any fandom:
Canon pairings:
1: Buffy and Angel (BtVS/Angel) I swear, I will be like sixty and watching it on the DVD player surgically grafted onto my face as I zoom around the Moon Station with my personal jetpack, and I will still be crying over that scene at the end of season three where he shows up to take her to the prom. And then I'll probably crash into a satellite because I can't see where I'm going through the tears.
2: Van and Hitomi (Escaflowne) Even though in the end Hitomi chose indoor plumbing and electricty over young love and an early death from cholera due to Fanelia's appalling lack of infrastructure, I got a bit choked up during that scene where she decides to go back to him and as she's running on the track, he appears on the Escaflowne in a pillar of light and he's about to speak and she just throws herself into his arms. Having said that, I also quite liked the scene in Operation: Golden Rule of Love where he was trying to tell her how he felt and he ended up saying he wanted her powers instead and she bitchslapped him.
3: Rita Sue and Jonesy (Carnivale) That first time, where she takes off his brace, was so bitter-sweet and beautiful, and afterwards they were so hot and heavy together, the way they couldn't keep their hands off each other - Rita Sue is so jaded and worldly when it comes to sex and love and marriage, so having her fall for Jonesy that hard made it all the more meaningful. And of course all the more heartbreaking when he broke it off.
4: Jack and Ellie (the Tribe) I just think they're adorable together - like when he renames their newspaper the Amulet and she says he's beautiful, or the conversation with the walkie-talkies where neither of them want to hang up - and that scene where you find out that it's Ellie sending Ebony all the death threats, because she blames her forJack being taken, and Ebony gets her trademark sass on and Ellie just lunges for her and Ebony's like OMGWTF and even Techno Ranger almost manages an expression.
5: Lucas and Selina (American Gothic) Because... because they're Lucas and Selina, come on, like I even have to explain that!
Fanon pairings:
1: Jordan/Shawn (4400) Because the debauching of underage boys by morally ambiguous, totally hot, beard-having Messiah figures is awesome.
2: Bray/Lex (the Tribe) Because alpha-male power struggles are also awesome, especially if one party habitually wears a lot of leather and eyeliner, and especially-specially if it tends to devolve into homoerotic wrestling matches.
3: Scipio/Prosper (the Thief Lord) Because underage boylove in Venice? Yes, that too is awesome.
4: Mars/Dash (Eerie Indiana) As above, but in Indiana.
5: Colby/Charlie (Numb3rs) Because... dude, look at them! That's why!
itsjustc wanted to know my top five Tribe characters:
1: Jack
2: Lex
3: KC
4: Ebony
5: Bray |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|11:52 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | angel, buffy, christian kane, david boreanaz, dickens, firefly, joss whedon, numb3rs, poor ickle lindsey, serenity, the dave, zombies | ] |
Dudes! Okay so, I generally try and pretend the last four seasons of Buffy never happened, mostly because thinking about them sparks off a twnety minute string of profanities about the shitness of Dawn/Riley/Kennedy and the downfall of Buffy and I really try not to mention what Xander devolved into because it breaks my heart a bit and of course you have Spike's eighty-odd-episodes-long character rape and I'm going to stop now because otherwise this post will be another swearathon, but anyway! So I always thought that Andrew was a bit shit, although in fairness by the time it ended he was the only one I wasn't actively hoping would die, but only because he was just lame instead of rage-inducingly dislikable. But anyway, I was watching that episode of Angel with the mental Slayer who cuts off Spike's hands, and I realised, it's Amita from Numb3rs. And now I'm thinking, Andrew can't have been as much of a 'tard as I thought he was, because apparently his training program not only makes you not be crazy, it turns you into a kind of Maths Superhero.
And now I think Amita Ramanujan: Vampire Slayer should be a show. Or maybe she can be a character in my Zombie Dickens fest - like when Zombie Twist is all, "Please sir, can I have some more... BRAINS ARRRGHRAHGARGHCHOMPYFACE!" Amita can dramatically ninja in through the window and dismember him.
I'm not sure how I feel about Amita/The Dave, though. Probably he would have another love interest that was Lindsey no I didn't just write that.
Also, where is all my Jayne/Simon porn? I thought I bookmarked it under memories but it's gone away. Boo! |
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[Apr. 5th, 2009|09:59 pm] |
Not that you guys should really need any encouragement to watch the 4400 beyond Jordan's beard, but as I am watching the episode in question, I would like to point out that there is a 4400 whose ability is, I kid you not, the ability to bring MANLY VIOLENCE on a massive scale. I'm totally serious, there was Tom and Major Lorne and handcuffing and pistol-whipping galore. It was glorious, dudes!
TJ should take herself over to Numb3rs and spend some time around Don and David this season. And Colby. I don't think I've ever seen Colby pistol-whip someone. Tch, Colby. Way to let the side down. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|10:38 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, blade, cadillac records, colin farrel, constantine, coraline, ewan mcgregor, heroes, hugh jackman, job of doom, neil gaiman, numb3rs, profit, push, stab woody allen in the face, star trek, supernatural, tim burton, underworld sucked monkeyballs, xmen, year of the pasdar | ] |
Notes From This Weekend:
- Cadillac Records is fucking awesome. Also, Beyonce is totally not-fail as an actress. I wasn't even a little bit embarrassed for her at any point. Well done, Beyonce.
- Push is okay. It has Papa Midnite as the main baddie, and he's cool, but the main dude is like the love child of Dean Winchester and that dude who plays Dracula in Blade: Trinity. Not as hot as it sounds, guys. Also, the cast list was all, NOW WITH ADDED TOM BALDWIN! and then I watched it and Tom Baldwin was in it for like ten seconds before he died. Not cool, Push. We do not go around killing beautiful earnest Tom Baldwin.
- Zachary Quinto was put on this earth to torment me. They showed the trailer of the new Star Trek movie and I swear, it's like God is sitting there going, "Hey Froodle, here's a really seriously fucking hot guy for you to stare at, but the catch is, every time you see him on-screen, he's going to be playing a character that you want to kick in the nuts." Why, Zachary Quinto? Why?!
- There is a new Fast and Furious movie. Paul Walker was being failsome and excessively American as usual. Vin Diesel was being retardatical as usual. It was all very disgraceful.
- CORALINE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
- Likewise, WOLVERINE MOVIE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
- Mohinder, you fail at science so much. I am completely filled with distain for you. SCIENTISTS! PLEASE DO NOT INJECT YOURSELF WITH UNTESTED SHITTERY! IT NEVER ENDS WELL!
- I really hate Woody Allen. Honestly, I want to kick him in the nuts so badly, Zachary Quinto will probably end up playing him in the biopic. Cassandra Dreams is fucktarded beyond belief. How anyone can take Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor and turn it into a bloated, self-important, mind-numbingly dull wankfest is beyond me.
- Profit is beautiful. Oh Profit. You are my only friend.
- The fact that there is yet another Underworld movie makes me hate God.
On a totally unrelated note, the House of Gas has arranged an hour and a half lecture on the Golden Ratio and Fibonacci sequences. At work. For the workers. Except that if you're scheduled to be on the 'phones, you don't get to go, which begs the question, who the fuck is expecting a bunch of phone-monkeys to give up their free time to go to a lecture, at work, on advanced mathematical concepts? Are we going to be fighting crime with them? Will the FBI and adorkable curly-headed mathematicians be involved? No? Fuck off then. I'm just so confused by the rational behind it - most of our retardo customers can't add VAT to a fuel bill without having a meltdown - is this something King Gas thinks is going to be useful in our day to day lives? WHAT IS GOING ON?! |
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[Dec. 22nd, 2008|12:53 am] |
You know what makes me sort of tetchy about the Numb3rs fandom? It's the fact that there's like, a massively disproportionate amount of porn featuring Billy Cooper, often with guys who hadn't even joined the show at the time of his mighty one episode only appearance, but there is no Colby/Dwayne action to be seen. Seriously, you guys! Where is the Dwayne love? I know he turned out to be a bit lame and evil and he kind of spoke like a retard, but he did save Colby from Fatass Kilmer Batman in the end, so I think that should earn him some points.
Aah, screw you all. Go and find me some pictures of Nathan Petrelli looking beautiful. I'm going to bed. |
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[Oct. 31st, 2008|09:24 am] |
I just finished watching that episode where Gary Navarro (he was calling himself Clay Porter, but whatevs, he's Gary Navarro to me) comes back because some evil Army dudes kidnap his family and Colby is all, filled with ANGUISH and PAST ANGST and then at the end he gets that picture of him and Dwayne out of the drawer and puts it back on the desk and looks all sad and wistful and-and-and...
Um. Uh.
I really want Colby/Dwayne smut now.
OH GOD STOP JUDGING ME! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2008|10:08 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | bones, david boreanaz, halloween, keiffer sutherland, lord of the rings, meme, numb3rs, queen of the damned sucked, russel crowe, shitty movies i hate, stuart townsend, the dave, the lost boys, the lost boys 2 | ] |
You know, I talk a lot on here about people being the poor man's version of other people, but I don't always mean it as a bad thing. Like, okay, Stellan Skarsgård is totally the poor man's version of Russell Crowe, but what that actually means is that he has traits in common with Russell Crowe, and that's a good thing. It's not as good as actually being Russell Crowe, but it still makes you better than people who aren't Russell Crowe-like at all. Or like how Colby is the poor man's version of Seeley Booth - all that means is that he will eventually evolve into Seeley Booth.* A few more years, a better haircut, and maybe some hugging of puppies and Boothdom is totally achievable.
But then you get these really tragic cases, where someone is trying to be the poor man's version of some other, more awesome person, and they fail and wind up becoming the poor man's version of someone far more losery than their intended idol. Case in point: Angus Sutherland. I just feel so bad for him, because he's trying so hard to be Keifer Sutherland in the original Lost Boys, and instead of being David Mark II, he ends up being Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.
And before anyone gets on my case, yes, I loved the Lost Boys 2, and yes, I do hate Queen of the Damned with all the considerable hate in my soul, but that's not the point of this post. The point is that while Keifer Sutherland was good at being a badass vampire and exchanging long homoerotically-charged looks with Jason Patrick, Angus Sutherland is really only good for the latter. Also, and this is not really his fault but it should be mentioned, Tad Hilgenbrink as Chris Emerson is nothing like as pretty as Jason Patrick as Micheal Emerson.
Of course, if any of you wanted to rush off and find me lots of Shane/Chris porn, I would not be adverse to reading it. In the spirit of scientific enquiry, of course.
I was going to make a list here of things I love and things I hate about the fourth season of Numb3rs, but I don't feel like it any more, so I will just say that we need more falling in water from Colby and less wearing of horrible ties from Charlie.
And now, some random quiz things:
You Are Candy Corn
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Your Halloween personality is whimsical, colorful, and creative.
You see Halloween as a time to get your creative juices flowing.
Each year, Halloween can't start soon enough for you.
You tend to go all out for Halloween. You decorate like crazy and always dress up.
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You Are a Werewolf
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You are moody and easily provoked.
You are highly loyal and protective of those you love.
While you can be intense at times, you are generally a laid back person.
But if a fight comes your way, you will fight 'til the death if necessary.
You seem normal to most people. No one understands how different you can be.
It's like a switch flips for you sometimes - and then you're a completely different creature.
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What Your Cute Monster Says About You
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You're the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you're trying to blend in.
You are honest in your character and appearance. You don't pretend to be someone else.
Your inner demon is sorrow. You tend to get depressed easily.
People think you're cute because you're rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.
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*Except for the shooting clowns bit, as we can all agree that Don is far more likely to shoot a clown than anyone else on Numb3rs. |
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[Oct. 29th, 2008|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | batman, eerie indiana, family von froodle, heathers, i hate bugs, job of doom, meme, numb3rs, snithy, thlayli, transformers, val kilmer | ] |
Tagged by thestorymaker:
A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.
1. What is your favorite show on TV?
I don't actually have a TV aerial, so I never see anything until it's out on DVD or a friend pimps me an illegally downloaded copy, but I'm going to say Numb3rs because it is airing right now and also I am watching the fourth season as I type this and it is so beautiful and filled with Colby being tortured by Batman, you guys. Okay, it was only Fatass Kilmer Batman, but still.
2. Name five things you’d want with you if stranded on a desert island:
The Intarweb (for reading porn)
A laptop (to read intarweb porn on)
Cake (for eating while reading porn on the Intarweb)
Some DVDs (to watch on the laptop when not reading porn or eating cake)
Thlayli (for companionship/emergency source of protein)
3. What was the best part of your day?
That beautiful moment when the revolving door at the entrance to the House of Gas span me out into the free world, away from the fuckery of the general public.
4. What is your favorite scent?
Cinnimon, orange and clove
5. What is your favorite drink?
Maya Gold hot chocolate
6. What do you drink the most?
Coffee
7. What is your favorite restaurant?
Tintins, a wonderous (but ruinously expensive) Cantonese restaurant in Leeds
8. What will you be doing after finishing this?
Probably watch more Numb3rs, maybe drink some hot chocolate
9. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Alone
10. Your favorite romantic movie?
Heathers
11. What kind of person do you think the person is who tagged you ?
Pretty awesome
12. What are you afraid of?
Pretty much any kind of creepy-crawly.
13. What's your favorite item of clothing?
My "robots in disguise" t-shirt - it's got the Transformers logo wearing the GM 20-20s aka Groucho Marx glasses and "robots in disguise" written underneath it. LEGEND.
14. What time do you usually go to bed?
About 12.30am
15. What's the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
Back when I still lived at home, the two youngest Froodlebrothers, Buzz Lighthair and Kaizer Wilhelm, went on this camping trip thing with their Scout group. Kaizer Wilhelm came back with a toy monkey that had long dangling arms and legs that hung like limp noodles, and staring crack addict eyes ala Elijah Wood in Lord of the Rings. Frodo+Noodle = Froodle. The name amused me so much I co-opted it for my own use.
I tag:
ajmckay, alt-baie, chibimarchy, Snithy, girlofprey, marystmatthew, yume623 and itsjustc. |
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[Oct. 24th, 2008|11:05 am] |
Oh shit, you guys! I'm watching that episode of Numb3rs with the Toxic Manifesto and the product tampering, and it's one of my favourite episodes, mostly because it combines the alpha-male coolness of Lou Diamond Phillips, aka Boothius Maximus, with this rancher dude who was falsely accused of selling tainted beef and killing a US Marshall, and he's all capable and manly and lives off the land in a way that makes me weak-kneed and trembly because I'm a lazyass city person and I find that whole concept terribly impressive, and I never really talked about this before because he's only in the one episode and he doesn't interact with any of the characters (because he's busy being a MANLY FUGITIVE FROM INJUSTICE!) and-and-and I just realized, he's the same guy who played stupid whiny Micheal from Stargate Atlantis and now I feel dirty and violated and not in the good way.
Sigh. Now I must find someone else rugged and capable to crush on. |
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[Oct. 23rd, 2008|09:46 pm] |
Cramps. CRAMPS! Argh why! Why would you turn up now, at the start of the weekend, when things should be beautiful and full of joy? Why not turn up on Monday when your evil agony would just merge into the general agony of having to work in customer service and I would barely notice the difference? Bastards!
On a related note, work was even more annoying than usual today. I was mentoring - which essentially means I sit with some poor recently-employed sucker and lie to him about the many and varied joys of being employed at the House of Gas - and I had to write up a bunch of quality assessments and a "personal development plan*" for him and hand it to his training manager and the guy who will eventually be his full-time manager, and once I'd done it I got emails from both of them praising how thorough I was and how professional it looked.
And all I could think of doing was emailing them back and saying, "Yes, don't you think I should be on the fucking Correspondance team?!"
Ahem. Not that I'm holding a long-festering grudge or anything.
Anyway, I'm going to try and be happy and watch Numb3rs and eat this chocolate orange I bought at lunchtime. I just watched that episode where Papa Eppes has to go to a scary old lady birthday party and Charlie and Don have a spat in front of the FBI building about who has to go with him, and Charlie walks off in a mood and then you get this shot which is just Don standing there fuming for about ten seconds before he goes back to work, and it's beautiful. Oh Don, ILU even if you don't pistol-whip people enough anymore.
*Which, by the way, is a fucking joke - you only get put forward for non-Phone Monkey-related tasks if your manager decides to do it, meaning, in essence, it's not what you know, it's who you blow. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2008|10:23 pm] |
Lately I've been trying to convince myself that even though working at the House of Gas is slowly destroying my will to live, it's really not a good idea to leave before I've found another job. So this morning, Grantil and I were making the dread journey in together, amidst our own pitiful attempts to shore up each others spirits in preparation for the soul-sucking morasse of pain that awaited us:
Grantil: Well, we do get three days off every week. I mean, that's not bad, most people don't get that.
Froodle: Yeah, I actually sat down and worked it out, and we spend more days of the year away from work than we do at work.
Grantil: Seriously?
Froodle: Yeah, it works out as 180 days on, 185 days off. I mean, you have to count bank holidays and vacation time, but still.
Grantil: But how many vacation days did you add? 'Cause they say 23, but it's really less than that because they count eight hours as a whole day.
Froodle: Yeah, that's 19.89 days for us.
Grantil: Oh my God, you actually did it properly! You should be on Numb3rs.
Froodle: I should. I'd be like, "Using science and fucking retarded analogies I have calculated an algorithm that scientifically proves that our jobs are shit and we should all bunk off and drink coffee and then maybe gang-bang Charlie."
Grantil: That would be the best episode ever.
Froodle: That's what every episode is like anyway. They don't say it explicitly, but it's pretty clear the whole point of Numb3rs is that everyone wants to gang-bang Charlie.
Grantil: We need to go and work for the FBI.
Froodle: Seriously. We should say that in our exit interviews. "Qutting due to lack of gang-bangable mathematicians."
Grantil: Awesome. I'm putting that as a "suggestion for improvement" on my next Employee Engagement survey.
I didn't want to bring him down by pointing out that King Gas and the Royal Court of Price-Hiking Money Grabbers Who Can't Even Buy Us Decent Computers never listen to those suggestions, so I changed the subject to "non-fatal accidents we could get into that would prevent us from going to work." Incidentally, if somebody wanted to bomb the Crown Point around 9.40 tomorrow - I will love you forever, if I survive.
God, I hate my job. |
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[Oct. 15th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, american gothic, bones, carnivale, in bruges, jericho, meme, numb3rs, stargate, sweeney todd, the lost boys, the tribe, zodiac | ] |
Right, because all of you except chibimarchy are losers, there is only one answer for the meme I did a couple of weeks ago. Seriously you guys, epic fail.
The list of fifteen names was:
Lucas Buck (American Gothic)
Dr Matt (American Gothic)
Ray (In Bruges)
Todd (Stargate Atlantis)
Jake Green (Jericho)
Ben Hawkins (Carnivale)
Agent Booth (Bones)
Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd)
David (Lost Boys)
Micheal (Lost Boys)
KC (the Tribe)
Ebony (the Tribe)
Jordan Collier (4400)
Paul Avery (Zodiac)
Don Eppes (Numb3rs)
And the one and only question was:
You decide to pair two and eleven in a super-hot smut fic. Where does the 'action' take place?
I would like to point out for the record that I would never, ever write Dr Matt/Ebony, as that is sick and wrong even for me, but if I was going to, it would go something like this:
After Megas' bioweapon renders the City uninhabitable, Ebony, sick of Amber and Trudy always stealing her menfolk, decides to strike out on her own. She makes her way to Trinity, which has escaped the Virus unscathed (as Lucas and Merlyn do not hold with plagues they didn't bring about themselves). Being Ebony, she immediately sizes up the power structure in town and, with Selina sullying herself with Dr Billy, makes herself Lucas's newest go-to wench.
Meanwhile Caleb, prompted by Merlyn, has left Trinity and thrown in his lot with some South Carolinian tribesters. Lucas, faced with the prospect of handing his mantle over to the Gailbaby, is trying to locate him and drag him back by force. He suspects Dr Matt knows where Caleb is, but Dr Matt is still pretty pissed about being thrown into the Crazy House for Boys and isn't saying jack. So he dispatches Ebony on some mission-of-mercy-come-femme-fatale-seduction-fest in an effort to wheedle the information out of him. Hot sex ensues against the padded walls of Dr Matt's crazy-cell.
I don't know what happens after that, but it probably ends with Lucas and Ebony engaging in an all-out power struggle for control of Trinity. They'd be pretty evenly matched - Lucas has the power to make things happen, and Ebony, well... she's Ebony. |
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[Aug. 24th, 2008|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 24, batbale, batman begins, bones, breakfast on pluto, bsg, buffy, carnivale, christian bale, cillian murphy, colin farrel, dark knight, david boreanaz, deadwood, edward james olmos, heroes, highlander, idina menzel, in bruges, johnny depp, keiffer sutherland, moomins, nbx, numb3rs, ouatim, rent, sweeney todd, the dave, the downey, the wire, tove jansson, utena, zodiac | ] |
Aww fuck, you guys, I think I just permanantly destroyed Batman Begins for myself by watching it right after I watched Breakfast on Pluto. And for once it's completely my own fault, because I've seen both of them multiple times so I can't claim I was tricked into watching or anything. Now every time Dr Crane gases anyone, I keep seeing that scene from BoP where he imagines himself as an undercover counter-terrorist agent, complete with black PVC minidress and flashing a bright yellow bra, and he neutralizes all the bombers by spraying Chanel perfume* in their eyes, and it just destroys me.
In other news, I have decided to invent some kind of coolness scale where characters are awarded points based on the liklihood of them karate-chopping a midget. It'll look something like this:
Karate-chopping a midget: 10 coolpoints
Doing harm to a midget other than by karate-chopping it: 5 coolpoints
Not doing anything mean to a midget: 0 coolpoints
A midget karate-chops you: minus 10,000 coolpoints
I decided to test it out on a random selection and it works pretty well, as shown below:
Jack Bauer: would karate-chop a midget: 10 points.
Sweeney Todd: would cut a midget's throat and make it into pie: 5 points
Al Swearengen: as above, except replace "make it into pie" with "feed to Mister Wu's piggies": 5 points
Edward James Olmos: would shout or glare at a regular midget; only karate-chops midgets if they are Cylons: 7.5 points
Methos: doesn't know karate, but from a moral perspective, would have no problem karate-chopping a midget: 10 points, because he can always learn later.
The Dave: unable to bring himself to harm a midget: 0 points.
Giles: would karate-chop a midget, then fire-bomb its house, but only if the midget really pushed him to it: 10 points
Nathan Petrelli: no qualms about karate-chopping a midget whatsoever: 10 points
Angela Petrelli: would belittle the midget so much it karate-chopped itself: 10 points
Peter Petrelli: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Everyone laughs. Minus 10,000 points.
Agent Sands: if he still has eyes, karate-chops the midget; if not, shoots the midget after locating it by the sound of it's tiny midget feet: 10 points, because the intention is there if not the physical ability.
Moominpapa: doesn't know karate, and anyway has tiny Moomin arms unsuitable for midget-chopping. Would probably write a chapter in his Memoirs about how he karate-chopped it anyway: 5 points for inventiveness.
Mark Cohen from RENT: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Minus 10,000 points.
Idina Menzel, in anything: karate-chops that midget and makes it cry little midget tears. 10 points.
Akio Ohtori: karate-chops the midget, steals its fine midget hos, then runs the midget down in the Akiocar. 10 points.
Stringer Bell: karate-chops the midget only if economically viable. Otherwise, arranges to have it gunned down in a drive-by. 7.5 points.
Oogie Boogie: karate-chops the midget, sings a song about it: 10 points
Ben Hawkins: karate-chops a midget, spends three episodes angsting about it. 9.5 points, as he gets half a point deduction for angst.
Don Eppes: pre-The Bunk, karate-chops that midget and takes a suspension. Post-The Bunk, tries to work out his differences with the midget, then gets Lou Diamond Phillips to karate-chop it for him instead. 7.5 points.
Harvey Dent: gets karate-chopped by a midget, cries like a bitch. Ditto Two-Face, but with half as many tears. Minus 20,000 points because both personalities fail.
I call it the Froodilicus Scale of Karate-Chopped Midgets. Obviously you can't rely on it entirely - for example, Brennan would have no problem karate-chopping a midget whereas The Dave would, but clearly The Dave is clearly cooler than Brennan. But as a rough guide, it's pretty accurate.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking of buying a new storage unit as the number of books, DVDs and random crap in my house has once again reached critical mass. At the moment I am torn between this and this. On the one hand, the cabinet gives me much more storage space and as it's got glass shelves, I can put my models and suchlike in there and not have to worry about dusting them. On the other hand, it's white and white wooden furniture always makes me feel like I'm trapped in a John Hughes movie circa 1984. Comments? Suggestions?
Oh, and finally, and having nothing to do with anything discussed above: MOAR ZODIAC PORN PLZ. That is all.
*For the record, given that pretty much every Chanel product smells like catpiss, I think it would be very effective as a weapon used either by or against terrorists. I know if you sprayed it on me, I'd be too busy choking and retching to even think about blowing stuff up until I'd had a shower. |
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[Aug. 1st, 2008|03:10 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | batbale, bones, daleks yay, dark knight, dr who, harvey dent is a tard, heath ledger, miracles, numb3rs, nurse!joker, scream, skeet ulrich, sparkle motion, wes craven | ] |
Why is there not more Nurse!Joker porn? No, seriously. Why? If you're reading this and you haven't written any yet, you should be ashamed. It makes me doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion. Oh, and no Harvey, plzxthx. His stupid zombie-face annoys me.
On a totally different note, I feel it is necessary to state how much I love that episode of Miracles with Sherwood. I love it to the power of one of those sideways figures-of-eight. That scene where he's spinning the wheelchair around in a circle like a disco-dancin' Dalek, and he's going "doo-dee-doo-doo" in his Steven Hawkins machine-voice and the words are also appearing on his computer screen? So awesome, you guys. And also when Skeet tries to stop him from blocking the door and he's like, "Oh, nice, shove a cripple!"
I liked that bit in the Civil War episode where they're in the woods and Skeet's all, "We is lost," and Alva's like, "No, the trees are moving FROM SPOOKINESS!" and Skeet's like, *annoyed face*. Unlike his "I am sad/take me now" face, his "annoyed" face is always appropriate and unambiguous. I bet Alva does that all the time - like, they're trying to find an exit on the highway and they get lost and Alva's like, "Supernatural activities are causing the roads to move around!" and Skeet's like, *annoyed face* and Alva's like, "Skeet? Why are you putting on that Ghostface ma- argh oh no I am stabbed!"
I have never managed to stay awake during Hand of God, though. I don't know what it is, as it's pretty exciting with the murdering and all, but about the time Russ's firebug sidekick from Numb3rs hits Skeet with the iron, I doze off. I think the Skeet/Alva angst just disturbs me so much that my brain shuts down in self-defence. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|09:28 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | american gothic, american werewolf in london, batbale, christian bale, cillian murphy, dark knight, gary oldman, heath ledger, heathfest, league of hot, lucas buck, numb3rs, snithy, the downey, werewolves yay | ] |
The Dark Knight, dudes! ( Read more... )
In other news, the Southernator and I celebrated Heathfest '08 with 10 Things I Hate About You and A Knight's Tale, the Southernator proved how much she fails at life by perving wrongly during TDK and forcing me to slap her, and also by not admitting the awesomeness of Numb3rs (another reason she has been removed from her position of power at the League of Hot) and we saw the WETA exhibition at the Royal Armouries and were confused by the random Poodle of Sauron armor. Also I totally broke my vow not to buy any more books or DVDs or random junk until such time as I have bought new shelves to hold them, and now I have to eat hobos for next two months. Fortunately they are drug-addled and easy to catch. I would like to add that really this is Snithy's fault, as she did not do as a true friend would and stop me, even after I graciously agreed to allow Robert Downey Junior be joint third with The Colin in the League of Hot. I even gave him his holy name - The Downey. I feel it says all that needs to be said. |
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[Jul. 25th, 2008|12:11 am] |
Aww, guys, I just saw the cutest thing in the whole world ever. And it wasn't even a monkey holding a puppy! See, I was sweeping up around the rabbit pen, and there were a few bits of leek that had rolled under the food bowl and been hidden from view, and of course as soon as I unearthed them there was this huge bunny feeding frenzy, and somehow Thlayli and Kagame managed to get hold of one end of the same piece, and it was totally like the spagetti scene in Lady and the Tramp only with bunny-kisses and no stupid Italian dudes in the background.
Speaking of things that are cute, how awesome is that bit in Uncertainty Principle after Don gets shot and Charlie is all hysterical and Don's like, "Don't say anything to Dad, okay? Charlie! Nothing to Dad!" And it's like, Don, it was an FBI shootout that was on the news! He's acting like he scratched the car and is all like, "Shit, I'm in so much trouble!" and also, as if Papa Eppes is going to miss your bandaged arm and Charlie throwing fits in the garage. This is like the Numb3rs equivilent of that scene in the Lost Boys when Sammy's all, "My own brother, a Goddamn shit-sucking vampire. Oooh, you wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!" and then storms up the stairs in a snit.
Oh no. I just reminded myself of the Lost Boys 2. I'm going to go cry into my pillow now. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2008|11:46 pm] |
Oh dudes, seriously, how gay is the second season ending to Numb3rs? That final scene where Charlie's dreaming about his mum, and then he wakes up and wanders into the dining room where Don's doing his paperwork, Charlie totally looks ready to jump him right there. Kiss my ass, Supernatural, this is what real homoerotic brother-on-brother tension looks like.
In other news, I'm afraid it is my sad duty to inform you all that the Southernator has gone completely insane, and has therefore been removed from her role as my co-executive director at the League of Hot. So complete is her delusion, she actually suggested Chad Micheal Murray, aka That Squinty-Eyed Idiot from One Tree Hill, as the third member of the Holy Triumvirate of Hotness. This is not only ridiculous, it's blasphemy, as everyone knows the Triumvirate, comprised as it is of the three most beautiful men alive, consists of Johnny Depp, David Boreanaz and Colin Farrell, aka The Depp, The Dave and The Colin. Anything else is heresy and punishable by being burnt at the stake.
Also, she's pretty much totally in love with Dan the Man. I'm not making this up. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2008|12:07 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | big daddy luthor, blood ties, bones, joseph gordon levitt, kathy najimy, lou diamond phillips, numb3rs, smallville, the dave, the wire, werewolves yay, will patton | ] |
So, is it just me or is the entire plot of Numb3rs pretty much "everyone wants to molest Charlie"? Seriously dudes, I have even broken it down into list form and the evidence is clear.
-You've got the Core Charlie Molesters, aka Amita, Colby and Don. It's actually canon that they want to molest Charlie, so I'm not going to bother talking about them today.
-David probably wants to molest Charlie, but Alimi Ballard seems incapable of portraying any emotion other than "amused condescension", so it's hard to tell*.
-Milly really wants to molest Papa Eppes, but I bet if she had the chance to indulge in naughty Charlie-touching, she would.
-Megan wants to, but she's smart emough to realise that Don would cut her like a bitch, so she wouldn't go through with it.
-Ditto The Bunk. He would think about it, and smoke some cigars.
-Larry is busy being distracted by the cosmos and Megan, so he has no time for Charlie-molestin'. He's the exception that proves the rule.
-Big Daddy Luthor wants to, but Charlie spent that whole episode sulking because for once, he wasn't the one with the most magnificent hair on the show, so it would never work between them.
-Russ Brennan definately wanted to, but he caught fire, so that's that.
-Lou Diamond Phillips pretends he's teaching Charlie about shooting, but really it's an excuse to touch him up on the gun range.
-Oswald Kitner hasn't realised his own Charlie-molestering desires yet, but he's probably not over the suprise of getting shot at and recruited into the Sooper Sekrit FBI Baseball Doping Detection Team. Give him time.
-Vicky Nelson for sure wanted to. She's all, "Oh Professor Eppes, let's talk about stupid car crashes and shit while I flick my hair attractively!" Then she had to go fight evil in Toronto, so that was that.
-Lady Lawyers usually prefer molestin' Don. It must be a secret rule that Alpha Male FBI Agents and Lady Lawyers are attracted to each other, as The Dave has pretty much the same arrangement in Bones, ie all Lady Lawyers are belong to him.
-Marshall Penfield not only wants to molest Charlie, but actually goes so far as to math-stalk him. That's whole new levels of creepy.
-that random English neurosurgeon did, but then she was like, "Oh wait, I forgot I am actually engaged, so, bye!" and that was the end of her.
-Finn Montegomery did, but he killed himself. Good day, Finn Montegomery.
-Joseph Gordon Levitt did, but he was busy murdering folk and going to jail.
-Random Columbian Exile did - did you see how inappropriately close he was getting when Charlie was explaining how to not get assassinated?
-Will Patton pretends he's too gruff and no-nonsense LAPD-like to want to molest Charlie, but we know better.
-The idiot Black Ops guy who tried to put sarin in the water supply did, but he was an idiot, so, later for him.
I was going to write something about work here, but it would have been boring and negative, so I shall leave you with my "everybody wants to molest Charlie" ramblings and go to bed. Adieu!
*This is actually true. David would have the exact same expression even if he was bitten by a werewolf or something. Colby, Don and Megan would be all like OMGWTFWEREWOLF! and David would have this look on his face like he's enjoying a private joke that nobody else is smooth enough to get. Lycanthropy would not even dent the surface of his cool. He'd be like, "Oh, I'm a werewolf. How mildly entertaining." |
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[Jul. 20th, 2008|12:16 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | 28 weeks later, angel, dahmer, i am sick, jeremy renner, job of doom, kathy najimy, liam neeson, liam neeson is god, lou diamond phillips, numb3rs, swat | ] |
So apparently I have laryngitis. I would like to say YES OH MY GOD THANK YOU LIAMNEESON! but I have completely lost my voice, so I can't say anything at all. And in case you're wondering why I should be so joyful about contracting a voice-stealing viral infection, it's because I am now doctor-ordered to stay off the 'phones and away from fuckwit customers. So in your FACE, House of Gas, if you'd let me off when I first told you my voice was going and my throat hurt, it probably wouldn't have gotten to this stage, but now? Now you can suck my DICK for the next few weeks. That'll teach you to treat your employees like shit and assume you know the rhythms of my body better than I do.
On an entirely different note, is there some kind of secret rule that Jeremy Renner doesn't get to live to the end of any movie ever? Even when you really think that this time will be the time he makes it, he always ends up getting stabbed or run over by a train or set on fire by the stupid US Army. Also, it's very confusing when people keep calling him Doyle. I don't think that should be allowed.
In other news, I have been re-watching the earlier seasons of Numb3rs, you know, back when Don supplied the required amounts of suspect-beating and manly violence, and seriously, it is so awesome. I love that bit where Megan and Charlie are having a conversation about some evil professor dude having a poker tell, and Megan's all, *gives psychological advice* and then Charlie asks to borrow some FBI survelliance equiptment to spy on the evil dude and Megan's like, "Uhh... no." And Charlie looks really put out, like it was a totally reasonable request and Megan's just being awkward about it. Also, the whole Thing with Megan and Larry is so cute and filled with convoluted cosmic metaphor and general coolity. Like when they're having a conversation about bathtubs and Megan's all, trying to insinuate Adult Things and Larry keeps going on and on about Archimedes and other Larry-like stuff and it's just great and adorkable.
Also, the whole Colby/Charlie thing has totally grown on me - like in the treasure-huntin' episode when Liz is all new and Charlie is jibbing about some... I think it was a towboat or something, I don't know... and Liz is being all skeptical about the POWERS OF MATHS and she's like, "Tch, silliness!" and Colby's all, "No really, he's fun to watch" and Liz gives him this look like, "Yeah, maybe for you, I prefer my Eppes with more MANLY VIOLENCE, thank you very much." And when Kathy Najimy keeps trying to manipulate Charlie into doing stuff by comparing him to James Bond, and he shows up at a crime scene in a tux and he's all, IMMA LIKE JAMES BOND WITH MATHS! and Colby is like, "no" and Charlie is like, *sadface* and OMG you guys it is so cute, go and watch Numb3rs!
Argh... you know when you want fic, but you're too lazy to go look for it yourself? That's what I'm like at the moment. Somebody go find me some Colby/Charlie fic that is awesome and contains no sadness or angst or anything bad. Oh, and especially nothing where the characters waste pages and pages whining about how Don/David/Alan/Larry/Megan will react. They will be awesome, just like they always are. Lou Diamond Phillips will probably be disapproving, but he and Don will glare at each other through their alpha-male sunglasses until they feel the issue is resolved. Then everyone will drink coffee. It's just like a real episode, but with mankissing! I should totally write for TV. |
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[Jul. 17th, 2008|12:30 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | bones, bsg, buffy, david boreanaz, deadwood, fuck you david caruso, jericho, lou diamond phillips, nip/tuck, numb3rs, skeet ulrich, supernatural, the wire | ] |
So, FX have just announced that the sixth season of Nip/Tuck will be the last. I'm pretty much in favour of this, not because I have any issues with the show itself, but simply because there are so many shows that outstay their welcome and then what once was beautiful and pure becomes this evil-smelling swamp of ridiculous plots and shitty inconsistant characterization and dialogue so bad you want to gouge out your eyes from the sheer horror of it all.
Yeah, I still have issues relating to those last few seasons of Buffy.
But seriously, I think there should be some sort of law that if you want to extend your show beyond three seasons, you have to prove it won't suck beyond all measure before you're allowed to do it. Like, I'm sad that Deadwood is no more, but nothing like as sad as I would have been if it had degenerated into pointless crap involving mysically appearing kid sisters and Al becoming some whiny tardface with his stupid fake soul and lovebots and fucking annoying high school nerds gone Darkside...
Ahem. I'm sorry, I really will shut up about Buffy now.
But anyway, with Nip/Tuck going off the air, and what is most likely the end of my love affair with Bones, and this season of the Wire being the last (like Deadwood, an example of an awesome show that has the foresight to bow out gracefully and with lots of fake serial killings) it means I'm pretty much left with Numb3rs to fall back on. And BSG, of course, but that's not really light after-work viewing, and frankly not homoerotic at all.
And although The Bunk is of course awesome, I do not approve of how much more laid back Don is since starting therapy. I missed it the first time, as I was busy being relieved over the whole "Colby is not a filthy Communist spy" thing, but Don has not pistol-whipped anyone, hurled a suspect around an interrogation room or allowed Lou Diamond Phillips to torture people at all this season. I really do not approve. Bring back the old Don, who shouted at everyone and then shot a bunch of guys and looked serious! Charlie is adorable and Colby is burly and Larry is awesome, but seriously, I require more manly violence! Somebody recommend some shows with manly violence in them to me. Oh, and not any variation on CSI - fucking David Caruso's syphilis-raddled face has poisoned me against all forms of CSI forever. And not Supernatural either, for the same reason only substitute "Jared Padalecki" for "David Caruso".
God. Why is there not more Jericho? WHY YOU GUYS?! Okay, Jake Green never tied a bunch of hams to some guy so alligators would eat him, and he can't fight crime with maths, but he can fly planes and look sad, and I bet Mister Hawkins is the World Champion when it comes to pistol-whipping and the torture of suspects.
Goddamn you, television. Don't force me to entertain myself! |
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