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"I do not peddle flesh. I sell dreams."
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[Apr. 15th, 2009|02:34 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | 4400, billy campbell, buffy, heroes, i hate bugs, i hate clowns, shark, simpsons, smallville, stargate, supernatural, x-files | ] |
Do you guys know why the 4400 is better than pretty much every sci-fi/fantasy/horror show ever? It's not because it has Billy Campbell bringing heaven to earth (if the suckfest that was Shark proved anything, it is that not even Billy Campbell can rescue a show that is otherwise dire) or because there's a character whose ability is the power to make shockingly poor B-movie conspiracy thrillers, or even because Joel Gresch is a marvellous actor who really hasn't been given the praise he deserves in previous posts because I'm shallow and would rather talk about how beautiful and earnest his character is. No, the 4400 is better than it's peers because it has never, ever had an episode about bugs.
I hate bugs. I would rather face hoardes of ravening zombies in a nuclear wasteland than see some bugs. And that sucks because, from Buffy to the X-Files via Smallville and Stargate and Supernatural, in every sci-fi-ish show in the whole history of recorded time, there's always an episode about bugs somewhere. Even Heroes did it with that whole Mohinderspider thing - and really, way to take a character whose only positive attribute is his pretty face - not to mention, one of only a few really attractive actors left by that point - and totally wreck it for everyone. Stupid Mohinder. Stupid show.
Anyway, the point of this post is that I just finished watching Fear Itself, and I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with anyone's arachnophobia coming to glaring CGI life on my TV screen that I forgot about the bit at the start where the dude gets attacked by clowns. And now I'm having a total "can't sleep, clown will eat me" moment and I'm trying to distract myself and it's totally not working.
Damn it. I am going to make a hot chocolate and then sit up working on my Marked!Jordan/Shawn smutfic and try not to think about clowns with mouths full of yellowed, needle-sharp teeth and long, jagged fingernails tearing at my flesh OH GOD! |
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[Feb. 12th, 2009|01:00 am] |
There are not, on the whole, many things that would make me wish I lived in America. In fact, apart from the International House of Pancakes (why don't we have those over here? Seriously, why? How many fucking Starbucks does one city need, and not a single place to get delicious pancakes?) the only thing I really envy is the effort they put into Halloween. Like, I'm sat here watching Jericho, and bear in mind these people have just survived a nuclear Apocalypse, not to mention the fact that they live in Kansas so their lives must be shitty anyway, what with the hurricanes and Superman being such a dick and all, but when Halloween rolls around, the decorations go up, the costumes go on and the candy comes out. Over here the only acknowledgement we get is like, a selection of three shitty plastic masks at your local 24-hour Spar, and that's only if it's a big Spar.
Seriously, England. Learn. |
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[Jan. 5th, 2009|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | 30 rock, a town called eureka, buffy, heroes, mad men, near dark, profit, smallville, star trek, stargate, utena, vampires yay, year of the pasdar, zac efron blows goats | ] |
Profit arrived last week. Oh my fucking God! It's like somebody sat down and thought, "Hmm, let's design a show specifically to appeal to Froodles. What do Froodles like? Nakedness, killin's, Nathan Petrelli - I HAVE IT!" Seriously dudes, this is what Mad Men would be like if Don was actually a sociopath rather than just kind of a dick. And did I mention, there is so much naked Nathan Petrelli!
Starting immediately, 2009 will be known as the Year of The Pasdar. Anyone caught not celebrating the Year of The Pasdar will be doomed to spend the next 360 days in Hell, which is a small room covered in pictures of Zefron fondling his nipples while a tape of Jade Goody talking plays on an endless loop and there's nothing you can use to take your own life and end the pain.
Of course, since he hasn't been in much besides Heroes and Profit and that one really random movie with the cowboy vampires (no, I'm not making this up), it may be necessary to Pasdarize some other shows in order to have enough entertainment to last the whole year. Suggestions so far:
- Nathan: the Vampire Slayer
- Battlestar Pasdarica
- Stargate: SG Pasdar
- Pasdar Atlantis
- Pastrek
- Pasdarville
- A Town Called Pasdar
- Revolutionary Girl Pasdar
- 30 Pasdar
On a related note, I saw the season finale of Heroes when I was home over Christmas and Sylar is such a goon! He's totally fallen into the trap of having plans that are too complicated to actually work - I'm not going to go into too many details here because I can't be bothered to look up the cut tag, but I swear he spent five minutes gloating to Mr Bennett about whatever the fuck his evil plan was. And Mr Bennet looked bored. Whatever, Sylar. I liked you better when you just ate brains and stalked Mohinder. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2008|12:07 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | big daddy luthor, blood ties, bones, joseph gordon levitt, kathy najimy, lou diamond phillips, numb3rs, smallville, the dave, the wire, werewolves yay, will patton | ] |
So, is it just me or is the entire plot of Numb3rs pretty much "everyone wants to molest Charlie"? Seriously dudes, I have even broken it down into list form and the evidence is clear.
-You've got the Core Charlie Molesters, aka Amita, Colby and Don. It's actually canon that they want to molest Charlie, so I'm not going to bother talking about them today.
-David probably wants to molest Charlie, but Alimi Ballard seems incapable of portraying any emotion other than "amused condescension", so it's hard to tell*.
-Milly really wants to molest Papa Eppes, but I bet if she had the chance to indulge in naughty Charlie-touching, she would.
-Megan wants to, but she's smart emough to realise that Don would cut her like a bitch, so she wouldn't go through with it.
-Ditto The Bunk. He would think about it, and smoke some cigars.
-Larry is busy being distracted by the cosmos and Megan, so he has no time for Charlie-molestin'. He's the exception that proves the rule.
-Big Daddy Luthor wants to, but Charlie spent that whole episode sulking because for once, he wasn't the one with the most magnificent hair on the show, so it would never work between them.
-Russ Brennan definately wanted to, but he caught fire, so that's that.
-Lou Diamond Phillips pretends he's teaching Charlie about shooting, but really it's an excuse to touch him up on the gun range.
-Oswald Kitner hasn't realised his own Charlie-molestering desires yet, but he's probably not over the suprise of getting shot at and recruited into the Sooper Sekrit FBI Baseball Doping Detection Team. Give him time.
-Vicky Nelson for sure wanted to. She's all, "Oh Professor Eppes, let's talk about stupid car crashes and shit while I flick my hair attractively!" Then she had to go fight evil in Toronto, so that was that.
-Lady Lawyers usually prefer molestin' Don. It must be a secret rule that Alpha Male FBI Agents and Lady Lawyers are attracted to each other, as The Dave has pretty much the same arrangement in Bones, ie all Lady Lawyers are belong to him.
-Marshall Penfield not only wants to molest Charlie, but actually goes so far as to math-stalk him. That's whole new levels of creepy.
-that random English neurosurgeon did, but then she was like, "Oh wait, I forgot I am actually engaged, so, bye!" and that was the end of her.
-Finn Montegomery did, but he killed himself. Good day, Finn Montegomery.
-Joseph Gordon Levitt did, but he was busy murdering folk and going to jail.
-Random Columbian Exile did - did you see how inappropriately close he was getting when Charlie was explaining how to not get assassinated?
-Will Patton pretends he's too gruff and no-nonsense LAPD-like to want to molest Charlie, but we know better.
-The idiot Black Ops guy who tried to put sarin in the water supply did, but he was an idiot, so, later for him.
I was going to write something about work here, but it would have been boring and negative, so I shall leave you with my "everybody wants to molest Charlie" ramblings and go to bed. Adieu!
*This is actually true. David would have the exact same expression even if he was bitten by a werewolf or something. Colby, Don and Megan would be all like OMGWTFWEREWOLF! and David would have this look on his face like he's enjoying a private joke that nobody else is smooth enough to get. Lycanthropy would not even dent the surface of his cool. He'd be like, "Oh, I'm a werewolf. How mildly entertaining." |
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[Mar. 26th, 2006|10:44 pm] |
I have decided that from this point on, whenever Lee Adama talks, I'm going to imagine him sounding like GIR from Invader Zim. It's the only way to control my increasing irritation at his almost unbelievable skill at getting on my nerves. I think somebody needs to replace Adama with like, movie!Denethor or Big Daddy Luthor (only as a temporary measure, of course, since it would be a crime against humanity to lose the Pure Awesomeness that is EJO!Adama), just to give Lee an example of what it's really like having an asshole for a father. Plus, it would be absolutely hilarious, next time Lee tries to beat his dad with the Stick of Zakguilt, if Adama just turned round and said he wished Lee had died instead. Absolute fucking smackdown. Man, I would love to see that. |
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[Feb. 12th, 2006|11:23 pm] |
Oh noes! Skanky Alma is in Highlander. I just cannot escape this woman; I swear Molly Parker follows me wherever I go, like a Spooky Chihuahua in a lowcut top and a stupid, unnessarily breathy voice. She plays the same character in everything, too; the only difference between Mrs Ramsey and Mrs Garrett is the colour of their hair.
Whenever I watch Deadwood, I always feel bad for Trixie, because part of me wants her to not have to be around that dozy tart, but having her on-hand with a well-deserved verbal bitchslap is the only thing that makes Alma even slightly bearable. Who knows, maybe if Chloe and Lois were more willing to administer a good tongue-lashing, (in a completely non-lesbian way) Lana might not be as insanely annoying as she is.
But I doubt it. |
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[Jan. 10th, 2006|08:33 pm] |
Okay, why did nobody tell me That 70's Show was so awesome? I bought it because it was on sale and I vaguely recalled Ashton Kutcher wearing many a tight shirt and reminding me of a guy I had a crush on in college. I didn't expect to be sitting there howling with laughter or squealing over how adorable Fez is.
And I certainly didn't expect to be having a religious experiance, unless Ashton Kutcher's waxed manchest was involved in some form. You see, lately, I've been going through something of a spiritual crisis. I've been worried. There are times when I think that I might be shallow, that in my never-ending quest to watch pretty boys kissing and occaisonally murder small children, I could be missing out on the better things in life. Who knows, there could be more to the Star Wars prequel than Hayden Christensen in black leather and eyeliner. It might be about good, and evil, and the importance of protected sex and not falling into lava like a total dumbass.
And then, just when I'm begining to doubt myself, WHAM! The heavens open, and God says unto me, "Behold, young Froodle, I give you Eric Foreman and that kid from Third Rock From The Sun that you had a crush on, snogging!" Don't you see? This proves that I'm following the right path; God doesn't want me to care about the nature of the soul or the state of the world - he just wants me to watch Joseph Gorden Levitt snogging other men.
Also, I think Smallville would be massively improved if we just replaced Clark with a super-powered Kelso, Lana with Jackie and Lex with Fez let the good times roll. |
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[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:47 pm] |
That hairy palms scene in Ginger Snaps: Unleashed? Best scene in a werewolf movie, ever, full stop. And aww, poor Whitney. He never get a break. Dating Lana, getting blown up, getting replaced by a shape-shifting lesbian psycho, and being fed to a werewolf over something you didn't even do? Harsh, man. |
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[Nov. 16th, 2005|10:47 pm] |
Next week we have some stupid litigation thingie to do. I haven't bothered to find out much about it besides the fact that it requires me to call another student "Master" for the space of two hours. For this reason, come next Wednesday I shall be sporting a Padawan braid and speaking in the perviest voice I can manage.
On a related note, how cool is Liam Neeson going to be as Aslan? This so proves my "Liam Neeson is God" theory.
In other news, am in hysterics over that episode of Smallville with the kid that ages really fast, where Clark is moping because he's an alien and he might not ever be able to have kids. I so imagined him as Ted from Scrubs being like, "My guys swim in circles". Oh Clark. Even your sperm is retarded. |
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[Nov. 8th, 2005|10:04 pm] |
Yay! Happy birthday me! A most rockin' day, despite shameful amounts of both work and rain. Now I have cool pirate gloves, a creepy doll, ribbon hedgehogs (I call them Sparkles and Danny) and the ability to watch my Dukes of Hazzard DVD without mentally imagining Selina leaning over my shoulder saying "It's not your birthday yet. Bad Froodle! Put that down! No Bo Duke for you!" In a few minutes, I shall go have a delicious Christmas-smelling bath and make myself a Santa beard out of bubbles. Because what's life if you can't pretend you're Santa in the bathtub?
In other news, every time somebody replies to my last post and I get that little "reply to your post" email from LJ, I open it up and the first thing that catches my eye is the phrase "Bondage!Clark". Damn you, LJ!
And also, damn Edna for making me sit next to Cricket today, making me all flustered and embarrassed. He called me by my name the other day and I had a total Ted from Scrubs moment standing there in the library like, "He knows you name!" Stupid Edna. Stupid Cricket. Stupid Cricket's naughtily rumpled suit. |
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[Nov. 7th, 2005|11:19 pm] |
I really want this poster of Bondage!Clark they have in Virgin, but the part of me that still clings to the tattered shreds of my dignity insists that I can't lower myself to being the kind of person who has pictures of Tom Welling on her wall. For a start, I'm not bald or a billionairre... Damn you, tiny fragments of Froodlish pride.
In other news, a very annoying weekend at work. Got no studying done, as was forced to train a new starter, and am also faced with either having to take on extra hours to comply with stupid new policy that all employees must work a minimum of 20 hours per week, or getting fired, end up with no money and be forced to sell one of my kidneys in order to pay my bills. Situation not helped by the fact that Idiothairdresser appears to have been exposed to some kind of cosmic ray of Superannoyingness, turning her into a vast glowing cloud of pure rage-inducing stupidity that knaws on the paper-thin margin seperating civilized people from cannibalistic space rapists and talkshow hosts. Eventually either my spleen will burst from bile or my sanity and I will finally and permanently part ways when I leap over the desk with a cry of "Stop having shouted conversations across the office while I'm on the phone, you fucking stupid bint!", gouge out her eyes with my fingers and devour them before my horrified coworkers. |
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[Nov. 4th, 2005|10:50 pm] |
It's probably dreadfully old-fashioned and unprogressive of me, but I always imagine God as an older gent hanging out in a castle made of fluffy white clouds. Only instead of being some besandled Santa, I like to imagine him as Qui Gonn Jinn. I figure, if there has to be some old guy in space looking out for me, I'd like it to be Liam Neeson. The moral of this story is that everything that happens to me is ultimately attributable to Liam Neeson.
In other, more Smallville-flavoured news: Oh Lana. Just when I thought I couldn't hate you any more, you go and catch baby rabies. Between Tom Welling, Kristen Kreuk and that freakish toad-like baby, there was more vacant, glassy-eyed stares and drooling than in any zombie movie I've ever seen. Also, it says a lot about what a tool Clark has been this season that I seriously expected him to have a go at Lex for using Freakbaby's genetic material to cure cancer. Bring back Prom Queen!Clark and Ranty Evil!Lex, say I.
Doesn't Clark's blood bring people back from the dead? There was a big thing with Lana's multi-talented yet forgettable love interest last season using Clark's drugs to be non-corpsified. Clark could so have resurrected Freakbaby's dad and harvested his bone marrow to save Freakbaby, but no, he has to be a selfish dumbass like always. I desperately miss the Clark/Lex sweetness from the earlier seasons, but damn, Lex could do so much better. Except for, you know, the part where all his other floozies end up trying to kill him or banging his dad or stealing his company. Who knew being a sexy, morally ambiguous billionairre was so hard? |
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[Nov. 3rd, 2005|09:20 pm] |
Damn you, Smallville. You're like the abusive boyfriend I never had; always smacking me around with your stupid, stupid Lana-centric stories, putting me in the hospital because my sheer rage at Clark's superdickery causes my spleen to rupture, splattering everyone around me with pure venom that melts the skin from their faces... And yet every time I try to break free, you reel me back in with Lex and his Magical Nipples and tales of body-switching Prom Queens and my God, was I the only one in hysterics over Clark stealing Chloe's tiara? "That crown is mine, bitch!" Oh Clark. All you ever wanted to do was be a Prom Queen.
In other news, saw the start of Stargate: Atlantis season 2 over the weekend, and Ronon Dex? Needs a good slap. He is the male equivilent of Busty McMidriff and that alone earns my hatred, but in a universe where mankind are bred like cattle to feed an alien race, who the fuck wears their hair like one of the Wraith? He's like the futuristic version of annoying middle-class white English kids who go around talking and dressing like black ghetto kids. I bet he crashes Wraith houseparties and is all like, "What up. G? Word to my homies!" and the Wraith are like, "Who the fuck is this jerk? Oh well. Let's put a tracker on him and hunt him for sport!"
You know who I really hate? That fucking monkey from the Coco Pops advert. There's this one where he and some stupid punk skater racoon are at some stupid punk skater concert for stupid punk skaters, and there are these rats playing and the fucking monkey is going on about how much they suck, like he could do any better with his shitty jungle friends (and why the fuck is he mates with a racoon, anyway? Racoons don't live in the jungle! Fuck you, Coco Pop monkey!) so then he and the shitty racoon decide to forcefeed some Coco Pops to the rats, and the rats teeth all break and Coco Monkey is like "What are they so ratty about?" Probably the fact that you broke all their teeth with your shitty cereal, jerk!
Man, I hate that monkey. |
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[Nov. 2nd, 2005|08:56 pm] |
You know, I could sit here and complain about how my Fucking Ear Thing has come back just in time to screw up a mock exam, the deadline for a research project, Bonfire Night and my birthday, but instead I will say only this:
Holy shit, Chloe had sex with Jimmy Olsen.
You know, I just... I have no words. I'm gonna go watch Onyx and giggle at how silly Evil Lex is again. "He's thought about killing you all!" I love Silly Evil Lex. |
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[Oct. 31st, 2005|11:17 pm] |
So, apparently Lex is a sexaholic. When did this happen? The whole weird thing with his mother and Martha Kent and that whole barrel of wrongness, I have no problem with, since it was actually mentioned on the show. But this? Was something completely out of the blue.
And don't get me wrong, the Lex nookie is always a welcome balm to the unending pain that is Lana, but what the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? I mean, I know I've been pretty nasty about Julian McMahon's receeding hairline in the latest series of Nip/Tuck, but I was unaware that Lex has suddenly morphed into Christian Troy.
...does that make Clark Kimber? |
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[Sep. 8th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
First of all, let it be known that BT are fucking weasel-felching monkey rapists, and I hope everyone connected with them dies a painful and fiery death, possibly involving lava, severed limbs, and Hayden Christensen's inability to act.
I wonder who would win in a battle of crappy acting, Hayden Christensen or Tom Welling? Hmm...
Secondly, Round the Twist is out on DVD? Why did nobody inform me of this most awesome fact sooner? Like, before I spent all my money on Stargate DVDs and historial novel porn? You people fail at the internets, yo.
Thirdly, speaking of Stargate, how much did they steal the plot of SG:A from the Vision of Escaflowne? I hope the Wraith steal Jinto and turn him into a vain, gender-confused pyromaniac who develops a weird psuedo-sexual obsession with... I dunno, Pointy? Smalls? Jinto is actually the only name I remember, except for Steve and Bob. Still, I hope something bad happens to Jinto, just so I can laugh at Beard's anguish at the loss of his precious son.
My predictions for future plotlines: Either Skeletor or Busty McMidriff develop psychic powers. Scottish Doctor gets his arm bitten off and replaced by a metal claw and becomes evil, only not really, and also has lesbian catgirls. Pointy grows wings and pilots a giant robot! Sir Issaac Newton is the King of the Wraith! Smalls and Fluffy-Haired Doctor totally get it on already! More stuff! Giant robots! Flying galleons! Floating fortres- oh, wait, already had that one... More stuff! Noses you could ski down! Machines that control fate! Freaky experiments with blood cultures- oh wait, had that one too...
And a soundtrack by Yoko Kanno. Because I have a need for Yoko Kanno that Wolf's Rain and Escaflowne are failing to satisfy.
And did I mention, Smalls and Fluffy-Haired Doctor so need to get it on? |
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[Aug. 8th, 2005|07:55 pm] |
Hee. I have just finished watching that episode of Smallville where Lex gets split in two (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTS!) and I must say, I'm very disappointed that the writers threw away such a perfect opportunity for hot Lex-on-Lex action. Although good!Lex was actually quite annoying with his overly-perky attitude and oh my God what the fuck happened to Big Daddy Luthor?! I'm not sure I even want to watch this show anymore if he's not going to be amoral and flowy-locked. Boo!
On the plus side, that scene where Clark is bitching and moaning about how evil!Lex isn't really Lex, and evil!Lex is all, "Sure I am, want to check me for distinguishing birthmarks?" and Clark is like, "Lex would never try to kill his friends," and and evil!Lex is all, "Yes, but he's thought about it"? Hil-fucking-hairy-house. I can so imagine Lex waking up in the morning and being like, "Shall I kill Clark today? ...Nah." It's totally that scene from the Princess Bride with Westley and the Dread Pirate Roberts, where every night the Dread Pirate Roberts is all, "Good night, Westley. I shall probably kill you tomorrow." and Westley is like, *sadness*.
Man, Lex would be such an awesome pirate. |
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[Aug. 6th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
Hah! Not only is Clark's dad a spaceship, but he's also James D'Arcy's dad from that stupid film where he's a hacker and has to solve this demonic Rubix cube to avert the Apocalypse. Or something. Don't you just love genetics; one of them grows up to be Superman, the other becomes Tom "Stalker Extrordinairee" Pullings. Although actually, Clark is pretty stalkeriffic himself, and at least poor crazy Tom doesn't have to deal with Lana. So, Tom wins. |
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[Aug. 5th, 2005|11:34 pm] |
I take this opportunity to inform you of a matter of gravest importance to you and your loved ones:
That Star Wars Lego game for the Playstation 2? Rocks. I don't think I will ever get tired of making Darth Vader and Whinykin fight each other, or hearing that weird little orgasmic noise Padawan!Obi makes when you hit him with a lightsabre. And the moustaches? They make my life complete. From now on, whenever I watch Star Wars, I shall imagine the characters carrying mops and wearing big fake Groucho Marx lip-ferrets.
In slightly related news, every time I hear the words "I am your father", or variations on that theme, I imagine them being said in the Vadervoice. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I swear, there are so many characters with daddy issues in Smallville, Christine Daae could visit her father's grave in nothing but lace-top stockings and a bustier and feel completely normal. Except she does that already, so... never mind. And it's not that I don't get a good laugh out of imagining Lex going "Nooooooooooooooo!" and having his hand cut off and falling into a bottomless drive-shaft (and it's doubly funny when it's Lana) and then being rescued by Lando Calrissian and having adventures and... what was I saying? Oh, never mind.
And HAH! Clark's dad is a spaceship. It is entirely possible that that will never stop being funny. |
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[Aug. 4th, 2005|07:46 pm] |
If ickle!Clark and ickle!Lex having a moment in the front seat of Daddy Kent's pickup truck of frequently and quite often messily-requited love is officially the cutest thing to exist in the history of the world, then Chloe dissing Lex about his baldness in the episode where she and Pete get bitten by X-TREME centipedes is the most hilarious. You might say it was X-TREMEly funny. Funny TO THE MAX, even. Okay, I'm done now.
Actually, no I'm not. I'm sitting here at my computer and pissing myself laughing just thinking about it. Of course, the Fangirl part of my brain is going "OMGWTF YOU DO NOT DISS THE LEX, HOR!" and possibly waving a shotgun at Chloe while sipping hillbilly-brand hooch from a jar, but the Nasty Older Sibling section has been hot-wired by fourteen years of having a younger brother whose head is not only massively out of proportion to the rest of his body, but covered in the most fucked-up, patchy, dreadlock's-excuse for hair ever to exist on God's green earth, and Chloe's toupee crack shot straight through there and triggered my "laugh cruelly for hours" mechanism. Also, I have that "Mister Bad Toupee-Wearer" song stuck in my head. Hee! My mind is a crazy whirligig of fun. |
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[Jul. 30th, 2005|10:55 pm] |
Yay! Evil Ghost Paul is in an episode of Smallville! And Clark brings Lex like a million tulips. This is officially my favouritest episode ever, in the whole world, so far for this day.
Although seriously, not to be a total bitch or anything? But when someone is paying you to do a job, it's not unreasonable for them to expect you to just do the fucking job and not, for example, turn into an invisable loon because your boss won't date your whiny-voiced sister or cut in on your alone time with your booblicious, fake-accented girlfriend. If I was Lex, I would have been less "I pay for your therapy, creepy stalker girl and psychotic Evil Ghost Paul brother" and more "I have you committed and never darken my door again EVER and here's a restraining order plzkthx".
You don't get to turn around and whine because, oh my God, you were hired to be house staff and you're expected to act like Goddamn house staff. It's like, I used to like eating in the Hard Rock Cafe, but they have this waiter there who always talks to me about his shitty band and other boring stuff, and I'm like, for fuck's sake, stop telling me shit I don't care about and bring my fucking milkshake, jackass!
Now I just go to Starbucks. |
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[Jul. 29th, 2005|11:39 pm] |
Alan and Jess came over tonight. They ended up watching about half an episode of Smallville, since it was on when they arrived. I don't think they were very impressed...
Alan: You are such a geek. How can you make fun of me for watching Stargate when you watch bloody Superman?
Froodle: He's not Superman yet and anyway, Smallville's good.
Candyman on Smallville: WHERE'S THE ELEVATOR?!
Alan and Jess: *hysterics*
Froodle: Shut up.
Alan: They have a whole episode about not being able to find an elevator, come on!
Froodle: Shut up.
Jess: You're only watching this because the box has a picture of a shirtless bloke all tied up on the cover.
Froodle: Shut up!
*later*
Big Daddy Luthor: *arrives*
Jess: Aaaahahahaa, he looks like Geriatric Fabio!
Big Daddy Luthor: *tosses his fabulous mane of hair*
Alan: Here comes the science part; concentrate!
Jess: You know he only keeps it that long to annoy Lex.
Alan: Yeah, I bet when Lex was a kid he'd come down for breakfast and his dad would be like, "Oh, I'm having such a bad hair day... oh, hi Lex."
Jess: And Lex would be like, *sob*
Alan: He's lucky, I would have made him wear a wig. Like, for fuck's sake, nobody wants to see your naked head!
Froodle: You know, this is how kids grow up to be evil supervillians.
*later still*
Clark: GET TO THE ELEVATOR!
Alan: What the fuck? There is no elevator! Has he not been paying attention? That was like, the entire point.
Jess: Oh, they found it in the end. It was behind a wall.
Alan: What the... okay, why can't he pull that guy up even though he's Superman?
Froodle: The guy is made from Kryptonite.
Alan: This is retarded.
Froodle: You're retarded!
Alan: He can't even fly, what the hell. Boo!
Jess: And why is he saving Lex Luthor?
Froodle: Because they're boyfriends.
Jess: I knew there was a reason you watched this.
Froodle: ...shut up!
Later we put Red Dwarf on while we made dinner; it was one of the ones with the line about Rimmer adding "BSc" every time he signed his name and it standing for Bronze Swimming Certificate:
Alan: Oh man, can't you just imagine James doing that?
Froodle: Are you fucking kidding me? I bet he adds "LLB (Hons)" to everything he writes now. Even like, Christmas cards and credit card slips.
Jess: Do we even know what LLB stands for?
Froodle: No idea. Probably a Latin tag for "Baccalaureate of Law" or something.
Alan: At least you have something cool to go after your names. I'm just going to be "DIP".
Froodle: You sound like a sidekick in a superhero comic. "Dip Man".
Jess: You have a little symbol on your chest of a bowl of dip with a crisp sticking out of it.
Alan: Until some lazy parents get all whiny about their fatass kids and make me change it to low-fat dip with a stick of celery.
Froodle: That's way too phallic. You try that in America, the religious right will crucify you.
Alan: Fuck them then, I just won't save them from my enemies.
Jess: You could have Doritos instead of throwing stars, and an advert like, "Does your party need something extra? Call DIPMAN, for all your Sour Cream and Chive needs!"
Froodle: And an underground lair with like, a giant Fondue set.
Jess: Do you think you can insure underground lairs? I mean, if I was like, Batman, and some asshole blew up my Batcave, I'd be so annoyed if I couldn't get the insurance to cover it.
Froodle: Yeah, but if you were Batman you'd be super-rich anyway.
Jess: Batman can't be super-rich. That's for Supermans. Batmans have to be like, Batrich.
Froodle: Do they go to the Batbank to draw out a couple of hundred Batdollars?
Jess: Yes.
Alan: *sadly* I wish I had some Dipdollars.
Froodle: Well, insure the Dipcave and then get some enemies to blow it up for you.
Finally we watched Mansfield Park, which is much improved by pretending all the characters are in fact characters from Revenge of the Sith. Fanny is Anakin; Edmund is Obi-Wan; the Crawfords are Sith Lords; Ickle Midshipman William, while not actually in the film, is Padme; Lady Bertram is Yoda; Sir Thomas is Mace Windu and Mr Rushworth, of course, is Jar Jar. |
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[Jul. 28th, 2005|10:10 pm] |
Augh! Why is the Candyman in Smallville? Why?! Didn't I suffer enough insect-related trauma in that episode with the kid that gets bitten by Kryptobugs? (Also, no need for his mother's dessicated corpse! I swear that image will haunt me until something else creepy comes along and pushes it aside) And poor sad Lex at the end of Jitters - watching the Kents with that expression on his face like he was the saddest little future evil genius in the world. *sniff*
In other news, I have been watching the second season of Nip/Tuck, and my God, what is it with people and trying to cut up Christian's pretty face? Seriously, that bloke in the terrifying creepy doll mask is like the third, fourth person to try and fuck Christian's face up. Go pick on Sean, damn it! Or Julia. Actually, pick Julia. She annoys me so much. Stop whinging and blaming everyone else for your problems and go do something worthwhile with your life, bitch! Not to mention, that mask has frightened me half to death and now I don't dare have a bath until tomorrow when it's daylight in case the Carver gets me. I am Wuss, see me cower.
Also I have a mark on my head from slamming it into the coffee table when Julie was telling Ava that she could rise from the ashes of her despair "like a Phoenix". You just know whoever wrote that line thought they were being so fucking awesome. "Hahahaaa, it's funny because she's Famke Janssen and she played Jean Grey!" Jackass.
And finally, Deadwood. Am I completely missing something here? I get the impression we're supposed to think Bullock is this incredibly noble stand-up guy, when really he mostly comes across as a santimonius prick. Star, on the other hand, genuinely does come across as a nice guy. Bullock? Is a twat. |
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[Jul. 27th, 2005|01:23 pm] |
Gather ye round, for I shall now recount, in the best traditions of the Family Von Froodle, the woeful story of Lex the Angry Flying Spoon.
Yea, once upon a time there was a Froodle. And she did have a mummy Froodle, and a daddy Froodle, and three baby brother Froodles, although they were not all called Froodle, because that would be confusing. Also this story concerns only the mummy Froodle and the youngest Froodlebrother, who is called Buzz.
And it came to pass that Buzz did possess some Smallville DVDs and a healthy lust for Chloe, who is awesome and way hotter than Lana Lang, so there. And one day Froodle and Buzz were watching of these DVDs and discussing how unbelievably gay Clark and Lex are, when they were chanced upon by Mummy Froodle.
And Mummy Froodle did say unto them, "Hark at thee, with your claiming that any two male characters who so much as share screen time together are partaking of the Horizontal Funky Monkey Tango. It is silly and you shall have no cakes today."
And Buzz and Froodle did cry protest and invite Mummy Froodle to watch Smallville with them and see with her own eyes the gayness of Clark and Lex, and she agreed and they had yoghurts, but only on her sufference, and they were much a-tremble with the knowledge that a delicious cakey future was at stake.
And yea, it came to pass that there was a scene with Johnathan Kent and Lex, and Froodle did say unto her progenitor, "See you how all of Lex and Johnathan's conversations do amount to 'I don't want you dating my son'." But Mummy Froodle's heart was black with doubt, and she did require further edification.
Now it so happened that Buzz had recently laid down his half-eaten yoghurt, and lying upon the kitchen table was both the spoon and the yoghurt pot. And Froodle did snatch up the latter with a warrior-like yell, and cried, "Behold, this yoghurt pot shall be Johnathan Kent." And Buzz did seize the spoon likewise and did cry, "And verily, this spoon shall be Lex Luthor". And so began the Ballad of Lex the Angry Flying Spoon:
Lex the Spoon: Hello.
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: I don't want you dating my son.
Lex the Spoon: I attempt to buy your respect with DELICIOUS MONIES!
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: I make a speech about how you are exactly like your father.
Lex the Spoon: I make a rejoining speech about how I am not, because my father is evil and meen and I have daddy issues.
Johnthan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: I am scornful. So filled with scorn, I am! Like a delicious dairy snack, I overflow with scorn!
Lex the Spoon: No really, I am nice and good and want to make an honest woman of your son.
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: You lie! You merely want to steal his spaceship so that everyone will think he is a person of questionable morals and he will never wear white on his wedding day. You Are Bad.
Lex the Spoon: No!
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: Yes.
Lex the Spoon: No!
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: Yes!
Lex the Spoon: No!
Johnathan Kent the Yoghurt Pot: Yes!
Lex the Spoon: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhh!
And then Buzz did hurl Lex the Spoon across the kitchen table, the better to demonstrate Lex's anger, and Lex the Spoon did fall off the table and onto the floor. And Mummy Froodle did ask of him, "Yea, is the moral of the story that Lex Luthor is in fact an angry flying spoon?" and Buzz did reply unto her, "Yes," and did ask her to pass him a clean Lex from the cutlery drawer.
And that is the story of how Lex Luthor became an angry flying spoon. |
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[Jul. 26th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
Apologies for lack of updatiness, it's been a rough few days. Graduation was last Monday; big ceremonies aren't my thing at the best of times, and my parents came down Sunday night and demonstrated the amazing ability of parents everywhere to transform a mildly unpleasant event into a nightmare of proportions so epic, participants should be wearing sandles and Ridley Scott is directing the whole endevour.
In the end, the ceremony itself wasn't that bad; instead of the three-hour extravaganza of loathesomely self-congratulatory speeches and general wankage, it was a reletively painless forty-five minutes, most of which was the Masster of Ceremonies calling our names. Was incredibly relieved that he pronounced mine right, although considering the fact that he didn't stumble over the various Chinese and African names, in hindsight I probably shouldn't have worried so much. Also I refused on principle to buy tickets to the sickeningly masturbatory "mixer" organised by our pitiful excuse for a Law Society, so at least I didn't have to suffer through that.
Unfortunatly, my parents seem to be under the impression that I am some kind of prize-winning thorough-bred horse they can take out for a canter round the paddock to impress all their champagne-swilling friends, thus forcing me to pose for ridiculously over-priced graduation pictures which will no doubt end up in the local newspaper, so they can flaunt me in my blue-ribbon'd glory to everyone they know. I suspect I'm supposed to be gratified that they're so proud, but mostly I just feel humiliated at being treated like an expensive possession.
On top of that, I was wearing knee-high silver-buckled lace-up purple cobwebbed boots and a tarten and lace mini-skirt under my robes, and the fucking photographer had the nerve to tell me to go home and change my clothes, and when I got offended, to insist it was a joke. This by itself made me want to choke him by shoving my mortar-board down his throat, but the fact that my dad laughed along with him almost had me storming out of the studio in tears. I mean, how the fuck is that okay? To laugh when someone insults your daughter at the pinnacle of her academic career? On the plus side, there was a booth offering this awesome thing where they take your picture, and then etch it in 3D inside a block of crystal. So now I can keep my own head on a light-up rotating stand on my mantlepiece, which frankly is something everyone should have the chance to experiance. I'm thinking of getting a little voice chip thing so when you switch it on, it goes "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
I pretty much forgive them their misguided asshattery though, partly because I know they don't do these things maliciously, but mostly because they got me the most awesome graduation gift ever - my own handmade teddybear, complete with replica of my graduation gown and hood (though thank God, the bear's hood is a pretty teal colour rather than the nauseating lime green we were forced to graduate in), with my name, student ID number and degree stitched inside it, carrying it's own little passport (it's a running joke in my family that I never remember to renew my passport) and wearing a replica of my floor-length black lace gown and black rose choker with silver bells for the stamen. They must have commissioned her months ago and kept it secret; I don't even know how they got hold of my student ID number. I was in tears when they gave her to me.
After that, I went home for a few days to see my brothers - Buzz is addicted to Smallville and I fear he has infected me with his silliness, despite my forswearing all things Superman. Have copied his DVDs from the first two seasons and brought them back to peruse at my leisure, by which I of course mean "decide whether Lex, Clark or Whitney is the most deserving recipient of my lustful Fangirlish hormones". Clark is a little too dewy-eyed for my taste, and Whitney looks like Jared Leto's younger, less hot brother, but on the other hand, Whitney has pretty hair and Lex has... no hair and is also secretly ginger, so I am in a quandry. In fact, I think I shall go watch some more episodes and tackle this difficult moral dilemma. |
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